Feeling lonely as a step mom
Yesterday I had a pretty big meltdown. My stepson was at his orientation for college. Called me and asked me to come down and help him with something. It was an hour walk to the college and when I got there he was walking with the other students to a room to sign up for classes. He walked right past me without saying hello and I asked him how he was doing. He said he didn't need me there after all and he had to go do some other stuff. I told him Id just go ahead and walk home then if he didn't need me and he just walked off without saying thank you or goodbye or anything.
I cried the whole time walking home, I felt heartbroken. I felt like I am less than a human being in the eyes of my stepkids.
I decided to stop at my husband's work because I needed someone. I knew I shouldn't say anything to him about it but I was so upset it all came out. He gave me the response I knew he'd give me because he's said it so many times before. He said his son probably didn't mean to upset me or even know that he did something that upset me.
It wasn't that I believe that my stepson did it to hurt me. My husband is right he has no idea I'm upset. Its that I know he doesn't think about my feelings like he would another persons feelings, he wouldn't have done that to anyone else. It's like I'm not allowed to get upset about anything or have needs of love. It's like I'm expected to mother, and love my kids but if I expect anything in return I'm being mean.
I cried on and off all day yesterday. My husband caught me a couple times. I tried my best to explain how alone I feel. I don't feel like I'm a part of my family. My husband and my kids are the only family I really have.
I feel completely alone. I have no one in my life who is a childless stepmom, that can understand what im going through.
My husband is the olny person I can talk to and the one person I can't talk to about this.
I don't expect my kids attitude towards me to change. I really wish I could make my husband's attitude towards me change. I feel like when I get depressed about the kids he gets defensive like I'm being a bully like I want him to be mad at his kids because I'm upset. I feel like in his mind the kids are perfect but I'm not. even when the kids are being mean they are just kids and we have to except it and be the adults. Thats true but its easier for him because he gets to feel love from them after the fact. If he makes a mistake it's not a big deal if I make a mistake it gets everyones attention. Im not allowed to get upset with the kids or I'm in the wrong. I can't even make a comment to my husband about Feeling unloved by the kids without getting a speech about how the kids are perfect and loving, they just can't show it because of their mom. Anything they do wrong is there moms influence. Most of the time when I ask him to do something about a problem with one of the kids he blows it off. He acts like I'm being over critical. It's like he genuinely believes I'm just being resentful or something.
I feel like I have a good relationship with the kids most of the time. In some ways thats the problem. I let myself believe they love and except me, that they want to see me but I really don't know how they feel about me. Almost every time they come over I feel rejected in some way by one of them. Even when they try to show affection towards me its awkward. Like they don't feel like they should.
I know I'm not there mom and I don't try to be. I get excited for events and holidays only to feel like a 5th wheel. I don't recieve craft projects or gifts for my birthday or holidays. It turns the holidays into a really stressful time were I try to do as much as I can for my family only to feel unloved and unwanted.
I love them like they are my own kids and anytime I am reminded that they don't love me it breaks my heart.