I don't believe in "soul mates" but if they did exist, wouldn't that mean the person was compatible with you in terms of life goals and interests?

He didn't get "trapped", he failed to use birth control that could prevent him from being a father.   And if he doesn't want to get married and want more kids, then no, he's not the right man for you; especially if you don't like having his kid around. 

And yes, you will find love again. Please don't fall into romantic fantasies. There are lots of people right for you in the world. 

Can it work? For now yes it appears to be, but as time goes on and you both realize you aren't going to change each other's minds on what the other person really wants, then no it will stop working.

Also he claims he was trapped into being a parent...um no it takes two to make a baby, and both people have the choice to use protection or not.

There are a few important things in life that people should not be talked into if they really don't want to do it, or out of if it's something they truly desire.

Marriage and having children are two of them.

You will find love, again

He has told you that he does not want what you want.  He is not the person that you want either with his child etc...

I also am fairly certain that he has given you some revisionist history when it comes to his EX and how his child came to be.  I am honestly shocked at the number of posts on here where the SM or stbSM states that they have been told that the BM trapped their SO.. that their SO was always disgusted by the BM... that they never cared for her etc..

I call hooey on that about 85% of the time.  I know my DH is disgusted by his EX NOW.. but he did love her and want a life with her at one time in the very distant past.. before he realized some of her flaws and after many instances of betrayal and discord occured.  Shoot, he even had an operation so that they could more easily become pregnant.  His kids weren't a mistake.. at least not the first one.. the 2nd may have been a "let's try to save the relationship" though.

But.. again.. believe people when they tell you what they are and he has said he is not the marrying kind.. and he didn't want the first child.. and likely doesn't want more... and sometimes that is said when they mean they don't want them with "you".. but in any case.. he has said he can't give you what you say you want.  he is being honest.

What would be dishonest is to go forward secretly hoping he will change his mind.. or doing something like trapping him "again".

If you want to marry someone and have a family.. you probably need to keep looking.

"But can it really work if I want things he doesn't even though we really believe we are each other's soul mate?"  No.

I can tell you from experience that if we are raised in an unloving environment that we tend to be 'comfortable' with the wrong people.  Before you even consider marriage with this man - who does not want to marry you, please see a therapist and deal with self-worth issues associated with your family history.  This man represents the family who rejected you, and you are trying to heal yourself through your relationship with him..  You are WORTHY of a relationship with a man who thinks you are WORTHY to be his bride. 

1. There's more to the story of his ex and himself that he isn't telling you.

2. He's love bombing you.

3. He's love bombing you.

4. Unpaid babysitter

5. You're not motherly enough.

6. I can't marry you.

7. You're wrong. WROOONGGG. You're a woman without children. You are a HOT commodity. HOTHOTHOTHOT. Trust your gut.

Agreed with others here. If you disagree on marriage and more kids (two of the biggest decisions you can make) then, no. It can't work.

And even if he did decide to "give in" and have a baby and/or marry to appease you and keep you around, would that be good? In my opinion, no. Do you really want to have a child (again, one of the biggest decisions you can possibly make) with someone who really doesn't want to have one?

Some therapy to sort these things out might help you, especially if you're carrying around emotional baggage from your family of origin.

It may feel like you'll never find love like this again, but I can tell you that that's not necessarily so. SOOOO many people have felt that way. A little over a year in, you're still in the "honeymoon phase." Trust me. That wears off.

Soul mates -- it's a romantic concept in fiction. It sounds good. But it's not true. Real relationships, even with people who are ideally matched, are a lot of work and take a lot of effort and compromise. Fundamental decisions that affect the entire course of your life should be made with people who share your vision. Otherwise you're in for a world of hurt, disappointment and growing resentment.

Will this work? No, because you want two totally opposite things & nobody should ever compromise on wanting or not wanting kids. He doesn’t want more, you want your own. Don’t compromise that for anyone. 

Also, like everyone else said, he wasn’t ‘trapped’. That’s something guys say when they dont want to take responsibility for their choices & mistakes. It’s bullsh*t. 

I don't think it can work long term. You don't want a man with kids - he has kids. He doesn't want to marry - you do.  You might want your own kids - he divorced his wife because she wanted a 2nd child. Those are fundamental things.  I also don't believe in soul mates, especially when those souls aren't in sync with their desires and dreams.

I also call BS on the "trapped into a kid/marriage just for health insurance" narrative. There might be some regrets on his part, but I highly doubt it's the whole story.

And.. Fundamentally different means something more along the lines of you are an ardent conservative and he is a diehard liberal.  or you are very religious and he is agnostic... you are a saver.. he is a spendthrift.

Those are differences that many people can figure out a way to overcome by compartmentalizing those parts of their lives to an extent.  But, you can't compartmentalize wanting to be married and have kids.. you can't compartmentalize his kid away.  You are not different people as much as you have different goals and limitations.

You've been with this man for a little over a year. This is the honeymoon phase darlin'. At 37 most of us have experienced how sweet it is in the beginning. Everything is all rainbows and butterflies with awesome sex to top it off. Please let go of the "we're soulmates and I'll NEVER find someone like him again" scenerio. We're grown here, not 15 years old.  You already have your mind made up and already setting it up where he's the love of your life and its not possible to find love if you leave him. If you want children and he doesn't, this relationship is not for you. Your biological clock is ticking away so really reconsider this. 

Yes you will find love again and possibly one without baggage and that is healthier. 

No one has a perfect life.  Everyone has baggage, problems, etc.  Outsiders aren't always privy to what problems others might have.  But no one is charmed.

Agree with the other posters that there is no such thing as a soul mate.  Just people we all get gaga about during the initial honeymoon phase.

Also, although you have been clear to point out it's you who said his was trapped by his ex who got pregnant, unless she put his legs in shackles and forced him at gun point, he was a willing participant in an act that he knew would result in pregnancy.

Please take this as being said with only concern for you: counseling for you might be in order to 1) help you get over magical thinking and 2) help you clarify what you really want.

You seem very sweet and a tincey bit naive.  Having a professional to help you figure out what you really want can help protect your heart and future.

Good luck!

...is worth giving up the opportunity to be a Mom. Not a stepmom. A MOM. It is awesome, trust me! If life doesn't work out that you end up having kids, that is one thing. But if you make a choice to stay with someone who will not share your dream of having your own child, he is not the right person and you will just end up bitter and resentful. 

Because settling is exactly what you would be doing by staying with this guy. Who says you have to date 37-year-olds? Ever hear of younger, baggage-free men? I could never be with a guy who married someone else but wouldn't marry me... Who had a kid with someone else, but didn't want to have a kid with me. Hell, I broke up with a divorced guy who told me I would have to wait and he wanted to date me for at least four years because his first marriage happened after only two years of dating. No one is holding me accountable for mistakes that have nothing to do with me.

To me, it is much more desirable to be with a baggage-free person. If a guy with a divorce and a kid wants to land a woman with no kids, he needs to up his game to give you a courtship rather than hold his mistakes against you. 

Don’t live together for a while. Enjoy some time all together, and get your ‘you time’ as well (ie leave them too it for a day so they get time together). 

Go and see friends/family/shopping/ whatever really. Hopefully that would keep everybody happy.....

Yes, absolutely IF you change your life goals to match his. 
 

I think there are many potential soul mates out there, and what is considered baggage to others could be considered interesting by you. 
 

Underneath it all, I think you're scared to look elsewhere, or you somehow believe you won't find somebody else who has the wonderful qualities your current fella has, but you're wrong. Great for you for making a therapy appointment. Remember, sometimes you have to "audition" more than one or three to find a therapist you click with. Then work on your self esteem, because a great person like you will (especially when you regain your well-deserved self-confidence) find plenty of other people out there who will fill your soul with love and joyfully walk a path of mutual goals and milestones for the next five decades or so!

i agree that you shouldn't settle!

You already know what you need to do, and you're going to hurt for a while, and that's okay.
 

You've got this!

Nevermind

These poor poor men who don't know how babies are made!  

Finding the love of one's life is no coincidence.  Neither does it happen when severe character flaws and crapy human behaviors are ignored.

Two people experience and grow which makes them individually a good fit for each other.  When their paths cross they can make a life together. A life based on commitment, having each other's backs, being equity life partners, etc.......

It is not magic, It is difficult.  Without commitment and respect even "soul mates" won't make it.

Throw the insane stress and drama of Skids and the potential for interference, manipulation and invasive crap from the blended family opposition, extended family, the courts, etc,etc, etc..... and even love between soul mates is highly likely to not be enough.

It takes absolute focus on making each other and the marriage the undisputed priority and the defense of that priority against anyone and anything a given to overcome the significantly higher odds of failure of a second marriage.

As for the "typical" woman.  Why would anyone want a typical woman any more than anyone would want a typical man?

My XW was a beautiful brilliant and dynamic young woman.  Far from typical I would say.  But... her atypical characteristics extended far beyond her beauty, brilliance, and dynamism to include volatile temper (she liked slashing the tires of people who she felt cut her off in traffic), complete lack of character exhibited by her incessant infidelity and cheating her way through her BSN, etc......  Sadly, I helped her with the BSN.  Fortunately I got my reprieve when she chose divorce (and gave me the greatest possible gift).

I met my bride 3 years after my divorce was final and we married 4 years after my divorce was final.  Though she had a baby I would not consider that she had baggage. I was post divorce and I would not say I had baggage either.   

One thing

I do know for sure, you cannot create the unconditional love you did not have as a child by having children.  It does not work that way.  My wife's family is struggling with young women who have a POS mother (crackhead, etc, etc, etc.) who are sequentially having children to have someone who will love them.  It is sad and it is pathetic.  The first is a very intelligent and driven young woman who sadly hops loves of her life and ended up having an OOWL baby when she was 20.  That love of her life was transient and she immediately got knocked up by another baby daddy.  She is all  into the unconditional loves of her two babies and how her status as a ( serial out of wedlock breeding young single) mother makes her amazing.  Her hyping up of her self fulfilled quest for unconditional love  motivated her younger sister (Just graduated from HS this year) to get knocked up so she would have someone to love her as well.   They have a younger sister who will invariably do the same stupid shit to have the same unconditional love that her older sisters have.  Their Aunt (DW's eldest 1st cousin) also created two kids to fulfill her need for unconditional love.  These babies are screwed. They exist only because their mothers are on a quest for unconditional live.  That is never a reason to have a child.

That side of DW's family (Bio Paternal Side) exhibits significant addiction tendencies and for some reason the children they raise are marginalized and feel unloved.  My DW was raised by her mom and her SF after her father was killed in a single car accident (while on heroin as I understand it) a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with my wife.

Blessedly my DW does not exhibit the breeding for unconditional love gene or addictive characteristics.

It get your history of a difficult childhood and family life.  Please commit to yourself that you will not settle for a tragically flawed man who is in large part responsible for the Skid drama you are struggling with. Find a quality partner and make a family together. I hope that you will never find a love like this again. A "love" that will not marry you, a love that has polluted your life with his shitty life decisions, etc, etc, etc.  I hope that you find a love that will put you first, that will be the partner that you should have, one who will make your life better and one you can love and who will love you without onionskins and limits, and one that will not transfer to your children his bullshit baggage.

Good luck.

"I hope that you find a love that will put you first, that will be the partner that you should have, one who will make your life better and one you can love"  When you believe you deserve 'healthy love' rather than thinking you have to negotiate for something less, you will find it.

 "I do know for sure, you cannot create the unconditional love you did not have as a child by having children.  It does not work that way."  Heal yourself first.

It can only work if one of you is willing to throw away your dreams and settle for theirs.  In your case that would appear to be any hope of children and marriage because he was burned on them by someone else.  From what you are saying, the only "job" that is open with him is for a "sidekick" to have fun with.  Anything else would take too much trust and that area is closed.

Why you would settle for this I have no idea.  No one is that fun.  But if you think there is a chance with him then be honest with him and tell him straight out that you want marriage and children and being with him is keeping you from finding it.   Can he see himself in the very near future as a husband and father with you?   If it is a "no" (forget the "maybe later" crap - that means no"), then it will be great to see him once in a while for lunch to catch up as friends.  But time to get back out there and find Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now. 

If he cares a thing about you as a person, he will be very sad but ultimately understand that it is best for you.  Perhaps if he more than cares - if he actually loves you - then he will consider what genuine changes he can make to give you what you need for a partner in life.  But if he is mad then he is a user and a jerk that just cares about what you can do for him.