Disengaged...
Since I have disengaged from being involved in decisions or situations regarding the SKIDS, my life has become easier. It's easier for me to accept that, whether I like it or not, the situation is as my DH wants it to be. I reason that if he wanted it to be otherwise, he would do something about it.
Anyway, the last conversation that I had with my DH is that I am tired of him throwing it in my face that I can see my BS16 any time I want. Or that I don't understand what he's going through because I have a good relationship with my son's father.
Excuse me, but I busted my butt to have a "good" relationship with my son's dad. My son's dad busted his butt to have a "good" relationship with me. It's just what we did. We agreed to love our son more than we hated each other. It has worked for us. It wasn't always easy. I mean, sheesh, there is a reason why I am divorced from the man - I can't stand him! So believe me, it has NOT been easy to just "get along" for the sake of our son. Yet, on the other hand, it would be way, way worse to treat each other like crap.
I may have digressed from the reason for this post.
I came on here today to vent about how my DH is already complaining about how this weekend with SD10 is going to go. He took my advice not too long ago, to try to schedule having only one of the kids at a time. He is simply a way more effective parent when he only has one of the twins. The twins together are a total nightmare.
Well, as you all know, this coming weekend is Mother's Day. He is, naturally, anticipating that BM is going to have a problem with "allowing" SD10 to come spend time with her father this weekend. I asked him how he planned to deal with it. As per usual, he had nothing to say about it. I neutrally suggested that he negotiate an earlier drop-off for Sunday, so that he can still see SD10 for the weekend AND BM will get some Mother's Day time with her daughter.
I mean, it all seems fair to me. It's what my XH and I do in regards to Mother's/Father's Day. Whatever. Right?
Um. No. He starts making excuses. He's scared of BM and won't engage or stand up for himself or his children to her.
That right there folks, is the end of the story for me. I no longer care. I stopped listening.
If HE doesn't care enough to assert his rights as a father, why should I care? If HE doesn't want to do something about it, why should I?
Honestly, the whole situation is so toxic for him. I mean, he loves his kids to death, but they treat him like he is a total piece of crap. BM makes sure of it. So, when the SKIDS are in our home - I watch how they treat him - I hate them for it - he feels like sh*t the whole time - he does nothing about it - and the cycle continues.
So whereas I feel that I should be "encouraging" him to fight to see his kids more, the truth is - it's almost better for him that he doesn't. Because he loves them so much, I know that he misses them when they aren't around. But the truth is, blah. It's so much better for EVERYONE else (including him) when they aren't around.
I don't know if I even have a point to this blog.
I think I just wanted to say: I may have a peaceful weekend afterall. BM is going to flip out about SD10 not being home for the weekend (because it's Mother's Day weekend) and my DH will do nothing about it.
On another kind of weird note: Am I really the only mother in the world who feels that being ALONE on Mother's Day is the best gift of all? I find that Mother's Day is really just another day in which I still have to do everything to make everyone else happy - even while they are trying to make me happy. It's still a day about everyone else - not about me.
For example: I remember one year my son's dad bought movie passes for our son to give to me for Mother's Day. What an awesome gift! Well, of course my son wanted to take me to the movies. Makes sense, right? Except that we ended up seeing Spiderman.
Am I really the only mom who feels that Mother's Day should actually become a kidless holiday? We should be able to go to a spa, or on a vacation, or have the entire house to ourselves ALL day long - so that we can actually have a break from being MOM.
Ok, I'm off.
Have a great day everyone!
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Comments
I just realized that I am
I just realized that I am going to have SD10 on Mother's Day. Seriously? :sick:
I really hope BM flips out and won't let her come. Why should MY Mother's Day holiday become all about SD...?
F*ck that sh*t.
AMEN SISTA!!! You took the
AMEN SISTA!!! You took the words right out of my mouth. You just summed up what I was trying to say in my original post.
There ARE ways for him to make it happen. He just has to be willing to be "confrontational" with the BM to make it happen. He doesn't want to? In my opinion that means that HE is the one who is CHOOSING to not spend the weekend with his daughter. I refuse to feel sorry for him when it was his choice. You know?
I'm not allowed to
I'm not allowed to participate in disciplining them, because I am "too stern." I argue that I am the ONLY person in their life that bothers to be stern with them at all. Otherwise they wouldn't act like wild animals. Climbing on the counters? Not in my house. Bouncing a basketball off of the ceiling? Again, not in my house.
I just told my DH that if he didn't want me to participate in discipling them, then HE needed to get certain behaviors under control - or I would, regardless of his wishes, handle the situation my way.
For example:
1. I have already warned the SKIDS that I will treat their belongings the exact same way they treat mine. The look on my face must've showed them that I meant business, because they stopped jumping (with their shoes on) on my leather sofa.
2. The moment a kid acts like a wild animal in my house (running around, climbing on furniture/counters, bouncing walls, kicking walls, slamming doors, damaging property, etc.) - and their father doesn't deal with it - then I WILL deal with it my way. What is my way of dealing with it? I will grab the offending child by the ear and gently but forcefully lead them out the front door and onto the front lawn. At that point, I will inform the offending child that a) wild animals belong outside b) wild animals are not allowed in my house, and c) until they can stop acting like a wild animal, they aren't welcome in my home. I will then release them, walk back into my home, and close the door on them. The kid chooses to "run away?" Perfect.
3. The next ball that gets bounced in my house and/or off of a wall or a ceiling - will be grabbed in mid-air from the offending child.In front of the child, I will then take the ball into the kitchen, I will grab a butcher knife, and I will stab the ball. It's carcass will be dropped right into the garbage can. Every ball that gets bounced in the house will die the same death.
My DH knows me well enough to know that I am dead serious. I don't make idle threats. I do what I say I am going to do. I mean what I say. My yes's mean yes and my no's mean no. I don't bullshit around and I refuse to allow anyone else to bullshit me.
I informed my DH that he absolutely had the right to tell me that I am not allowed to participate in disciplining his kids. HOWEVER, that decision of his does NOT mean that I get to be a victim of their shit-ass behavior or that I have to sit back and watch my property be damaged and/or destroyed. I told him that if HE wanted to be the one to discipline them, then he better f*cking do it - or I WILL. Muahahaaa....
I'll be honest, he sure has been on his toes about their behavior. He's actually trying to control them. It's one of the reasons why he agreed that he is a more effective parent when he only has one of his kids rather than the two together.
I feel that it's a really good arrangement for the kids. They are finally (but slowly) learning to respect him and I don't have to be the bad guy.
This is how it's done!
This is how it's done!