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BM drama cont...

LRP75's picture

My H and I discussed whether we need to pursue having the twins come live with us for the summer. Naturally, he's all ready to do it.

But then I had to bring reality down onto his ass:

"So then, we are going to file with the FOC to have CS ceased while the twins are living with us, right?"

The look on his face was priceless.

"She would never allow them to come live here if it meant losing CS."


hereiam's picture

Guess that settles that, then. Did he really think you'd let them live with you guys and still pay her CS? What a loon!

LRP75's picture


I don't think that he actually thought that. I think that all he was thinking about was wanting to help his children. His brain hadn't quite made it to the semantics of it yet.

As far as I can tell, we are faced with making one of four choices:

1. Do nothing.

My thoughts: ...

2. Pay BM's bills for her so that she/the kids will have utilities.

My thoughts: I am *not* inclined to pay her bills for her. We have our own over here that we need to worry about.

3. Have the twins come live with us, but keep paying BM support.

My thoughts: Even if we could afford it, I wouldn't do it.

4. Petition the court for an emergency move.

My thoughts: This would be flushing money down the toilet. The judge in her county is notoriously pro-mother. We would never win. As a matter of fact, if history has taught me anything about how that judge rules, not only would we lose, but we would also end up having to pay her more in CS, all of her bills, *and* my H would probably have his parenting time cut in half. Or some insane bullshit like that.

I've asked my H to call her aunt to see if he can get some insight as to what is really going on. We can't trust anything that BM tells us. BM's aunt is an ok lady, as far as I can tell. She may not be 100% honest with us, but she might be able to set some things straight for us.

Until we get some clarification, I am just going to adopt the belief that this is just some sort of shake down. BM is just trying to get more money from us.


hereiam's picture

This would not concern me the least bit. If I remember correctly, she gets plenty of money to pay her bills, plus food stamps.

Even if it were true, would her aunt really put her out, with 2 kids?

Do not pay her bills. Very slippery slope there.

To even begin to believe this story, I would insist on a detailed account of her financials, everything coming in, everything going out. I am sure she does not want to give you that.

I would do #1 but I am a bitch. She is a grown woman and will figure it out, if it's even real, which I don't believe. Not with what you posted the other day about what she gets in CS, food stamps, money from the state and whatever else there was. Something else is going on.

My SD and her BM tried to pull crap similar to this several years ago and I sat down and analyzed the crap out of everything they were saying and spelled out all the inconsistencies to my husband (we had to start recording all calls) and as hard as it was, he did nothing and let it play out. None of what they said turned out to be true, it was all a ruse to get more money.

LRP75's picture

I agree with you 100%!!!

BM's financial woe's don't concern me in the slightest. IF ONLY because I do not believe that her aunt will really put her out with FOUR children. Only the twins are ours to deal with. There is an oldest daughter by one man and a younger son by another. BM has had three pregnancies with three different fathers.

This is why I want to talk to the aunt. I highly doubt that what BM is saying is true. Do I think that she is having financial problems? Yes. Do I think that it's something that *we* need to do anything about? No.

I really do feel like this is a shake down.

LRP75's picture

I mean, why would BM be so forthcoming with this information?? You know, considering that one of the viable options that we would have to us would be to petition for an emergency move for the children? She doesn't want that. I am surprised that she would risk it. But the mere fact that she would risk it, tells me that she is confident that we wouldn't win. Why wouldn't we win? Either because it's not entirely true and/or because the judge will never rule in our favor even if it were. So what would be the point in us spending the money on court?

So she has nothing to lose, but everything to gain if we fall for it.

bulletproof's picture

What I want to know is how you get your husband to see the logic in these situations. Mine doesnt. Ever. He only wants his kid to visit when he is supposed to, no matter what.

LRP75's picture

OMG it took him a looooooooong time for him to get his head out of his ass.

We reached a breaking point in February of this year. He was all like, "I don't think that you are capable of forgiving my kids and you will never like them."

I was all like, "I will try to like your kids only when I see that you are parenting from a place of, 'it's just the right thing to do for my kids,' instead of, 'I have to be a parent otherwise LRP will be pissed at me.'"

In the meantime, I had 100% disengaged. I didn't talk to his kids - not a good-bye nor a hello. I only referred to them as "him, he, his" or "her, she, hers." I never looked directly at them. I made myself scarce for most of their visit. The rest of their visit, I planted my ass on my sofa, in my living room, watching my TV. I didn't budge.

The kids were so acutely uncomfortable around me, that they wouldn't even come out of their rooms.

I didn't ask about their education and if my H even brought anything up about either of their school experiences, I would just nod, not say a word, and then change the subject. I forbad him from talking about BM. I would tell him, "You are no longer allowed to speak to me about her. You don't ever intend on doing anything about any of it and that is your problem. I won't have my peace destroyed by problems that you won't deal with."

He eventually learned not to talk to me about any of it. At all. Ever. And I never, ever, ever asked.

So we reached our breaking point. One last blow-out.

I had to start trusting that he was parenting his kids, because it was the right thing to do. He had to parent his kids, because it was the right thing to do.

Then I had to open my heart and start to forgive. Once I started to do that, my H got better at parenting. The more I forgave, the better he got.

Things over here aren't perfect, but boy ho boy is all of that crap behavior gone. My H handles his kids. But they no longer act the way that the used to. He squashes anything that even looks like it might get out of control. Consequently, the kids act like normal human beings.

bulletproof's picture

It sounds like our situations are different, then.

My DH disengages himself. I think he feels defeated so it's easier on/for him to not put forth a great effort when it comes to SS. He makes sure he speaks to him during their weekly phone call, and he was sure to get SS here to visit this summer, but that's it. No responses back to the child when he writes DH letters, and their phone calls are very superficial.

I don't discuss SS unless necessary, ie; "Did you look at plane tickets yet? I'd like to get it early so we don't spend more than necessary." I don't inquire about phone calls. I am to the point where I will tell him that I don't want to hear about SS saying he "loves" and "misses" me when they talk when I'm not around. I told him before I want to hear nothing that BM says to him unless it affects me. When SS is here, I discipline him if DH isn't around and if he is I discuss discipline with my DH and he implements it generally, unless it's something my husband didn't see and it pisses me off.

Before we moved, DH would discipline SS but he always played the guilty card. He'd try to tell me that we were being too hard on SS, and SS took note of that so he plays DH against BM and vice versa all the time. My philosophy is that if he continues to disrespect or whatever, he continues to be punished/disciplined. You don't stop until the child stops because otherwise you teach the child that if they get to x point, they win and you give up punishing/disciplining him/her.

We have a list of rules (some are new) for SS's visit this summer. We composed it together, and they are the same rules that we will hold our child (I am pregnant) and future children to. My husband will feel the wrath of hell if he tries to tell me that "SS hasn't been with us in three months" or "SS is a child of divorce, his expectations need to be different than our expectations of our kids."

My husband is already talking about when SS visits next summer, and to be honest I don't know if I'm going to want that to happen after this visit. I need to see how it goes, because I will be the one caring for SS while DH is at work. If he makes the visit hell, he won't be welcome back next summer because I will have an infant during that visit. We can go stateside to see SS, but he won't come here.

I just think my husband only sees the "I want to see my kid" portion of things and doesn't think about how seeing his kid has a negative effect all the way around. He's actually told me before that he wants his time with his son, as dysfunctional as things are when SS is around. When will it get to the point where he realizes it's not worth it? (Rhetorical question)