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When do you give up?

lovetoteach's picture

I'm so tired....

ive been with my bf for 4 years and I'm at the point where I'm ready for marriage. His SS and I have the best relationship and he loves me dearly. Although I will never like the way he was conceived (1 night stand) we're still amicable and have a good schedule w his bio mother. 

Bf is nearing 30 and I'm in my mid 20s. He thinks the issue lies w financial aspects but I just don't understand that bc nothing much would change. 

basucally I'm tired of him being fully committed to another woman in terms of a child and not to me through marriage... that might be petty but I do everything for him and his son/family. 
how long do I wait or should I?


please help 


ndc's picture

IMO, barring unusual circumstances, 4 years is more than enough for a marriage-minded person to determine if the person he's dating is the one he wants to marry and to take steps in that direction.   So if I wanted to marry a boyfriend and after 4 years of dating I wasn't already engaged or married, and he had excuses for not moving forward, I would move on.

Not everyone wants to get married, and if a person is already living with a girlfriend/boyfriend and has most of the benefits of marriage, there may be no incentive to take the next step.  Some people are happy to live together without marriage, and others have good reason not to marry.  But if YOU want to get married and, knowing this, your boyfriend is not moving in that direction, it's probably best to cut your losses.

lovetoteach's picture

We have lived together for about a year now and I guess that was my first mistake. I do all the things a doting wife would do and I take care of his son just the same as a mother would. It is exhausting at this point but being together for so long it's hard to give up... and I have almost no friends or anyone to be there for me if we did call it quits 

ndc's picture

Not having anyone to be there for you is not a good reason to stay in a relationship that is not going to work out for you.  If you haven't made friends in 4 years of being with this guy, maybe leaving him will be the impetus for you to make friends and meet a man whose goals are more in keeping with your own.

GoingWicked's picture

Honestly, by 12 months, if he didn't want to get married to me, or didn't know, that would be it.  I wasted 2 years on a guy that didn't want to marry ever, fine until I wanted kids and a husband though.  I let him go, a year and a half later he got married.  He just didn't want to marry me.

SMto2's picture

" He thinks the issue lies w financial aspects but I just don't understand that bc nothing much would change." What does he say about that specifically? This sounds like an excuse to me. Is there any prospect for either of your financial conditions to change in the near future? If not, that may be his way of telling you he never wants to get married. I think it's time for you to set an ultimatum that either he decides he wants to marry you and you move forward on that, set a date, etc., or you move on with your life while you still have time to find someone without the "financial aspects" or other baggage he's claiming keep you from marrying.  

Winterglow's picture

What exactly does he mean by that? Is he referring to the cost of a major event wedding? Does he understand that not all weddings cost an arm and a leg? Or does he mean that he doesn't trust you with money? Does he know that you can both keep your finances separate?

mshilton16's picture

"basucally I'm tired of him being fully committed to another woman in terms of a child and not to me through marriage.."

In my experience, this feeling hasn't gone away even after marriage. I felt this way prior to being married and thought it would go away once I was carrying his last name. Unfortunately, it hasn't. He's still tied to her through a kid and she's still in my life through him. I am married to him now, but so was she due to the pregnancy. She has a child with him and I don't. So now there's that... 

It's very hard to ever feel like you're first as a step. My only advice is, if he's not willing to make you feel like the most important woman in his life amid it all, then leave him. You deserve a commitment.