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Grandparents

lovetoteach's picture

Okay so this is a touchy subject for most people and I understand that. 
 

I grew up in a family where I got to see my grandparents kind of often when I was young, bc we lived near them still, then we moved to a diff state and we began seeing them only during holidays, occasional special visits etc. that was fine w me as a child and if anything it made my time with them all the more special! 
 

However, my FH family's situation is so so different. His family members basically all live in a 10 mile radius of each other, and that's nice for them. We live about an hour away due to my job and school (plus SS's school). 
FH grew up seeing his family members nearly every day, weekly dinners with the whole gang. I found it charming until it continued into his late 20's and interfered with our plans to develop a relationship. (We managed and he realized he could detach from a weekly dinner at cousins bc the drive wasn't safe on a weekday night w drinking involved) 

This brings me to what my main point is, FH's mom used to watch SS on the scheduled days of FH's while he was at work ever since SS was born, and then on BM's days her mother would watch him or he would go to daycare bc BM also had to work. Now that's all really nice and great to have family watching their grandson. No problem with that. 

The issues is now...almost 6 years later, FH's mom has some very serious enmeshment issues with SS. Can't grasp going 2 weeks without seeing him. Doesn't understand that we can't make the hour drive for dinner on school nights bc bed time is early, and doesn't seem to understand that sometimes when he is with us on his one weekend a month, we would prefer to have our own family time, rather than send him off to her like she often begs us. (She doesn't ask for all of us to come, just wants SS to spend the night). She does also have a young son of her own (she's a young grandma, had her kids at 17 and latest child at 39) She also has another young grandchild that is just a year younger than SS. So I often ask myself, why are they not getting the same card and attention? She's not often begging for her other grandchild like she does w SS. Idk maybe I overthink (jk I know I do) 

 

honestly I don't want to come off as rude but I do think it's important for FH's son to have family time w his dad in our home, he's only here a short period of time and if he's constantly going off to his gms, we just don't get that QT in. 
 

can anyone relate or offer advice? Please know I am not judging anyone's similar situation or regarding this as a bad thing. 

Comments

lovetoteach's picture

FH giving his son to his gma every time he is home during his custody time is not the right thing to do in my eyes. And I put myself in these situations bc I'm not a passive stepparent. I care about a familial bond between all of us. I don't keep him from his gma, but his son needs time w FH. 
Yes, obviously I would love FH to communicate that we can't go to Gmas every weekend bc it's far and SS has school the next day. Gma gets her feelings hurt rather easily and yells at US for it though and I'm a little tired of it 

lovetoteach's picture

Lol ok. Are you a step parent? Don't think so but thanks for your name calling and rude judgment. I don't need any more of your "advice"

BethAnne's picture

Seems you are the only one with a problem with this. As it is not your son there is nothing for you to do. You have voiced your opinion to your Fiancé and he has chosen what he wants to do. You can choose to not actively facilitate these visits yourself if you want, but that is about all you can do. Best just to accept it fir what it is than fight against it and get frustrated when nothing changes. 

Different families work in different ways. 

lovetoteach's picture

No. I'm not the only one w a "problem" w it. My FH finds it annoying that his mom gets butthurt she can't take his son every time he's having at w him. I find most of these replies a little bit scary and probably just a big sign of just how many bio moms are trying to slander steps. I tried. 

tog redux's picture

It's not about bio moms trying to slander steps (though Curious Georgetta is NOT a stepparent). The rest are stepparents, and advising you that as such, it's helpful to let the actual bio parent make decisions about the parenting.  You can say, "Hey, I'd love to have more time with SS on your weekends," but beyond that, it's up to your FH to set some limits on his mother.

It really does help a lot to not get overinvolved or see yourself as an equal parent, or even any kind of parent at all. (Yes, I am a stepparent, but my DH did the parenting, not me).

BethAnne's picture

I don’t know about everyone else here but I have no biological children, just a step kid. Not sure what that has to do with anything.

I understand the point of view that it would be better for the child to spend more time with the father. 

But if your partner cannot have a conversation with his mother and explain his situation and tell her that he will be sending his child to her less often that is his problem. He is the person who could change all of this. 

Personally I would not listen to my husband complain about something he can control. He chooses not to change his actions yet complains to you about it.

I would tell him either to stop complaining to me or to tell his mother things are changing and stop sending his kid to her.

His inaction suggests to me that he is ok with the situation but likes to make out he is the helpless victim to you and that he is not just a lazy father. 

beebeel's picture

There isn't much you can do besides encourage your BF to stand up to his mom. It's not uncommon around here for a high conflict MIL to cause problems. Sorry you are dealing with one of them!

 A healthy, stable grandmother would realize asking for her son's only weekend with his child is selfish and inappropriate.

lovetoteach's picture

Being in a child's like from 2-6 (extremely formative, developmental years) I'm not just a gf to my FH...... his child adores me and respects me. Sometimes people have the nurture gene and some dont ...

Jcksjj's picture

Are you planning on having kids with this guy? My biggest concern with this would be either that there will be favoritism or that gma will expect the same amount of time/control over that kid too.

Livingoutloud's picture

Unfortunately you have no control over this. You can express your opinion it’s clear that your SO will do things his way. Nothing you can do