Body art and lying
Sorry if this posting isn't directly related to stepkids, but I have recently found out something which is unaccountably bothering me.
I'm not a great fan of tattoos or body art, don't have any myself, but don't mind if other people have them. My husband has 2 tattoos, one on his bum and another in a fairly....ahem...intimate space. The second one is of an intricate design and supposedly symbolizes yin and yang or two halves that make a whole, or some suchlike idea.
A long time ago, after I got to see them the first time, he told me that he got them in his wild college days, and I thought nothing more of it since.
However, few days ago, he had a Whatsapp argument with his ex (quite common - always about arrangements for the stepkids.) Anyway, things got heated, he got upset, I asked him what was wrong, and he showed me the conversation on his phone. In amongst the usual to-ing and fro-ing, his ex wrote something like: "Yeah, those you and me eternally together tattoos that you and me had done, worked out real well, didn't they?" (The one in his pants, of course - 2 halves making a whole.) He only met his ex about 5 years after finishing college, and it's clear they both got the same one. How romantic!
I pretended not to notice that one and didn't confront him, but it's bugging me. How come he lied to me? And now, every time I see him without his shorts, there's this body art dedicated to his ex staring me in the face, as it were. Can't get it out of my mind.
What should I do? Just carry on keeping quiet? Ask him for an explanation? Tell him I'm disappointed?
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He voluntarily showed
He voluntarily showed you the conversation. Maybe he did not realize that it was in there but it was and he should have known better. The cat is out of the bag now and you have every right to discuss it. It is pretty obvious why he lied. No one is going to tell the truth about something like that in the heat of passion the first time they are with a new lover and then there is never a "good time" to correct the lie. And it is unlikely that they will ever be found out so who will it hurt? Ooops...
I personally would ask for him to have it removed as I would have a hard time being intimate now that I know the truth behind it. Will it hurt? Yup! Bummer, dude. Should have given more thought to getting the tattoo in the first place and it was his own fault that his "secret" came to light. It is not like you snooped or anything. This is 100% on him.
My thoughts exactly
I'm sure he was just upset with his ex and then forgot about what he'd told me years ago, so it slipped out without him thinking about what he'd said.
I didn't want to write it so explicitly but yes, being intimate with him is a lot harder, with the thought of "her" tattoo touching me. Sure wish I hadn't seen the truth in the texts, though.
I know what you
I know what you mean about wishing you didn't know. I have been in similar positions with things that really were none of my business and that I could have gone my whole life without knowing just fine. But now that I know it becomes a "thing." Thanks a lot, idiot!
No kidding... I found
No kidding... I found something out a few months ago that I’d been blissfully unaware of, and if I could unlearn it I happily would. It was none of my business but now that I know it’s completely changed how I feel about certain things. Frustrating!
Yikes. I’d confront him about
Yikes. I’d confront him about it & make sure he either got it covered or removed completely. Something like that would put me off wanting to be in bed with him at all, all I’d be able to think of is BM being in bed with us. No thanks. Gag
Hate being lied to so much.
Hate being lied to so much. DH lies to me to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. Drives me nuts cuz the truth always comes out.
Id be furious!
Hate being lied to so much.
Hate being lied to so much. DH lies to me to avoid conflict or hurt feelings. Drives me nuts cuz the truth always comes out.
Id be furious!
I think I'd be more concerned
I think I'd be more concerned that he's still having "heated arguments" with this same ex, where intimate tattoos become a topic of conversation. When you are truly emotionally divorced, those arguments no longer happen because you don't care to engage in them.
(The tattoo would have grossed me out from day one, though. Not sure if I could have stayed with a man who has a tattoo on his tallywhacker - signifies poor judgment to me).
Talk to him.As difficult as
Talk to him.
As difficult as it may be, you have questions and he needs to answer them.
If this were me, I would be miffed to the point of demanding he had it removed, but it is his body and his choice.
However, he lied to you.
He needs to be honest with you.
It’s his body, you’re right.
It’s his body, you’re right. But my body wouldn’t go near his body until he booked the appt for removal! *biggrin*
Regret of that tattoo is 100%
Regret of that tattoo is 100% why he lied. Can you imagine dating someone with that tattoo in that place and ever expecting another woman to have sex with you again?? Once the lie was told, if it wasn't brought up again when you were in a serious relationship/married I get why he didn't bring it up himself.
I also understand why this would now be a huge turn off! I agree with the others that he needs to do something with that tattoo- removal being the #1 preferance I am sure! A cover up at the very least. Be honest with him. Reassure him that you love him and that you trust him but that he needs to be honest and trust you as well. Tell him that it is just something in your head now that isn't going to go away and you need him to take this step for you now that you know what really happened with it.
This is a lie I could live
This is a lie I could live with. One I could have went happily along my whole life without ever knowing and been fine with it.
With all honesty, it's not much different then when BM branded him with kids.You knew the thing had been elsewhere. Sure, maybe he was not as young as he said he was and the tat doesn't mean exactly what he said it did... but you already been sleeping with and loving that thing for a long time. He's the same man, I assume still a good lover. What's next? Trying to send his kids back because they came out of BM?
When you married him he knew you were getting a 'used' man, that he' had a se life pre you (the skids were a pretty strong point of evidence of it if nothing else).
Because of it's extreme delicate placement, you best consult with professional medical persons about any risk before you take anonymous advice off the interest an start demanding he remove it.
He would need
He would need to go to a dermatologist to get the removal via laser. Proper removals are medically supervised. But I would not be too worried about his "delicacy." After all, he went to a tattoo parlor and had a needle repeatedly stuck in there to have the tattoo done in the first place! LOL
So I like tattoos, and my
So I like tattoos, and my tattoos all have multiple meanings. I have a GIANT fairy sitting on my shoulder that was the first "piece" of multiple I was supposed to get with my XH. It symbolized our relationship, but also my love of fairies and all things whimsical.
Should he have lied? No. But it also may not have been a lie. He could have wanted that symbol, XW may have liked it, too, and they decided to get it together. Once their relationship ended, the significance behind the tattoo lost its meaning in relation to XW, just like my fairy has lost the significance for XH and I'm assuming his tattoo that includes our birthdates (it's a barcode number on a barcode tattoo) has lost it's significance to me.
No removal is ever going to completely get rid of it, and any cover-up will just be a reminder of what is underneath. You know that it's there and that it was there. You're going to have to work it out in your own head that it's just ink.
Now, what you CAN do, and SHOULD do, is confront your DH about his intimate conversations with BM. If he didn't respond to her making that comment, then he is doing what he should; she said it as a way of getting under his skin. If he responded to it, though, I would say:
"DH, now that I know the whole truth behind that tattoo, I feel uncomfortable that you are discussing it with BM. It would be no different than if you were discussing your wedding, or a favorite holiday, or anything else intimate between the two of you. It isn't okay to reminisce with your ex, even in argument. It shows you are still emotionally connected, even if negatively, and that hurts. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference."
I understand where you're
I understand where you're coming from. DH got a matching tramp stamp with several guys from his unit. Le Psycho liked it and got a matching one too. I was PISSED when I found out. Not because he had lied (technically he hadn't) but because what woman wants her husband to have a matching tattoo with someone that causes them daily angst. Not me, not you, virtually no one.
It stings, but the sting fades with time. Not gonna lie. I still hate his stupid tattoo with a passion though. I don't really touch it (But I mean, I don't typically gravitate towards that area anyways).
I'd be pissed about the lie though. Lying to me is COMPLETELY inexcusible. Yes it was probably a shame lie. But still something that if he told you earlier, you'd have time to adjust. Lies always come out sooner or later. If it comes out rather than being told, it's a shock to your system.
Talk to him
i would tell him you know about the matching tattoos and ask if he would consider covering it. They can do cover up tattoos most of the time.
I get how hurt you are. You feel betrayed like your DH wanted to keep this secret and then forgot by showing you the text.