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slow it down, lmdavi0, rome wasn't built in a day

lmdavi0's picture

so dh moved out last night. he wrote me a really nice letter and my best friend and i sat there and read it through blinding tears. love is hard, marriage is hard, especially when dh is super stupid. i am taking things one day at a time. i am really proud of myself though. i did it. i stood my ground and demanded respect. you can't just f#ck me over and expect me to come back for more. he said he isn't giving up, that he will prove to me he is the one. i think it would take a miracle. i also had an hour with my shrink last night. gotta love professional help. i felt so good about everything. and she has told me that, for me, since i asked him to leave and i am in our house, it will get harder for me. meaning that as i was staying with my best friend, he was at the bottom and i was at the top. now he is going to start recovering and i get to hurt some more––basically this is the time when i will start missing him. that's just awesome. Wink so i'm taking it slow and i'm praying a lot. i just want to heal myself and see what tomorrow brings. love you all.
lmdavi0, newly 'single'


Colorado Girl's picture

I am so glad that you are taking all the necessary steps to make things better for YOU. We're all here for you when you get blue and start missing him.... Smile

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Anne 8102's picture

And it's also good therapy. If leaving the environment isn't the ticket, then changing it might be. Splurge on yourself and get some fabulous new bedding. Paint the walls a new color that YOU love. Rearrange your furniture. You get the idea. Reclaim your home as well as your heart. (((((Hugs)))))

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

lmdavi0's picture

i was thinking to have a painting party actually. i already loooooove paint and i think i have my colors picked. dh came by last night when i wasn't home and he asked me why i took down our pictures...because i didn't want to look at them! duh! Wink he wrote me a really nice letter that included everything you would want it to say if your dh was stupid and f*cked it up, but they are just words and i don't think he can pull off the action. plus, each day i remember something else that he did or said or didn't do that pisses me off. my shrink said this is normal...god, i have a shrink.

always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.

klinder180's picture

built in a day. Repairing and rebuilding yourself takes time. An end of a relationship hurts. Trust me. Been there many times -- a divorce; broke up with HS sweetheart (engaged to her); and recently this summer a break up of a four year relationship. Whether a person is the "dumper" or the "dumpee" it hurts and is hard.

There are several good books out on how to "recover" from the end of a relationship. Just go to and type in "relationship break up" -- books about dealing with the hurts; books about how to "hate enough" to get over it; books that deal with a person's view of their self worth.

I guess what I have learned is that "who" we are is not defined by our relationship status. Each person is an individual and brings different things to a "relationship table." If it doesn't feel right; chances are it isn't right. Probably one of the saddest things I see out in the dating world are the "wounded" people out trying to date -- they are still suck in the hurts of their relationships. They don't feel they can bring "value" to a new relationship -- but they meet people and then break up to quickly or lead someone on or hurt someone -- that other person sees "the good person" inside but that person just can't see it themselves.

Then there are the bad people out there -- the drug/alcohol abusers; the cheaters and liars; the people with real mental problems. You might not spot them right away, but if you are careful you will see the problems then you have a choice to either run away or stick with it.

Then there is the situation of lots of the DH/DW's (or in my case the ex gf) -- they are good people, but have been put in a bad situation by their exs. Financially and emotionally scarred. Sometimes their children have behavior problems or have been messed up by the divorce. Add a wonderful BM/BD who "really is a piece of work" and a stranger who comes in with love in their heart -- well, thats sort of why this site is here.

The invasion of the "Bay of Pigs" comes to mind when I think of some of these step parent relationships. Faulty intelligence about the relationship before hand -- either no recon or sometimes flat out deception; improperly preparing to deal with the situation (BM or behaviorally challenged child); sabotage (either the BM or even DH/DW/DG encouraging the behavior causing the problem.

The Bay of Pigs invasion ended badly -- I think a lot of Step Parent relationships end badly as well. I know that my situation has gotten better for me personally, but I think the ex gf's kids are worse.

Am I happier? At times yes. At times no. At times I miss her. Almost all the times I don't miss the reasons why we broke up and realize that if we would have stayed together, there would have been no change to things. So I wouldn't have been happy now if I would have stayed, but I do have more of a chance for happiness now. Maybe in her own mixed up dysfunctional world, the ex gf might have a chance at happiness as well if she gets control of her children and her issues. We can't deal with a problem unless we recognize it. Sounds like your DH might be there right now.

So in the end, it all comes down to what is best for you and making sure you are okay. Time is the only thing that heals wounds.


lcooper's picture

When my ex and I broke up I moved out for a little while, and then came back. I tried staying there for a few months, should have made some of the changes you ladies suggest but didn't at the time, but I found it to be so depressing to be surrounded by all of the memories we had built together with my daughter for so many years. So, I eventually sold and moved on for good. I wish now I would have had the guts to stay there, I desperately need the room that house provided now, but at the time, it was the right thing for me. I agree, that changing the scenery will make a big difference, saturate the place in your own vibe.

And interestingly, I feel like I found myself during that time period. It was my first time being a single mother, and working full time since she was born. Accomplishing those things and doing them well, gave me a sense of empowerment. I felt like "Wow, I can do this. I am not broken." Made me realize I am stronger than I thought I was.

Best of luck!