venting to those who understand
This sucks. Here's the background.
The last few years, we've had a horrible "blended" Halloween. This is the ONLY holiday where BM gets to come over to my house, involve herself in MY family and in this case trick or treat in MY neighborhood. She's innappropriate, passive aggressive and just awful to be around. After last year I told my DH that it would NEVER happen again. He said he understood. I told him a few weeks ago that my plan was to take my kids and do my own thing- he, his ex and kids could figure out how they wanted to handle it but I had other plans.
He waited until last Thursday to tell her that she couldn't come over.
He told her by saying that "he was being made to choose" how to spend his Halloween. Now what he meant was that he was being made to choose because of the situation, not by me, but I'm sure we can all guess where that went. Bullseye, on me.
She flipped. She told DH that he had to tell the girls. So we did. We sat down a dinner last Thursday night, told them that like all other holidays Halloween was going to be seperate. Sure, they were a little bummed but they got it. We also got to talk about how it would be wierd if MY ex was TOT with them. Dissapointment, but acceptance.
Fast forward to the next day. 2 hours after BM picks the girls up from school we get a coached message from SD10 that she's mad at her dad, hates me and wishes her parents were married again- all because mom can't go TOT with us. BM continued to whip up the drama because she lost control of the situation AND told the kids that I was the reason for this, and that made BM sad. SD10 is hyper protective over "victim" mom (BM's worked for YEARS to get it that way)
We let it settle, called SD back in a few days and she was still mad. "I hate M." DH had to accuse BM of PAS to even get the kid on the phone to try and talk thru the issue. When she finally did, she didn't back down, probably because BM was in the room with her the entire time. DH asks why she hates me. SD10 hates me because my kids are spoiled because they have more toys (they don't), that I bark at her about her manners all the time (which I do, they're awful) That was about it. DH and BM aruged for a long time about LOTS of stuff and in the end, she agreed to get SD10 back in therapy which will help with so many issues, it was a win.
The other important thing to note is the day before the horrible voice mail, SD10 had a bad morning. She got stubborn, dug in and wanted to aruge with me about a stupid winter hat and almost made me and her sisters late. She does this stuff all the time. Mad over dumb stuff and then pouting/stomping/sassing for HOURS after. Only this time, I was the one to give her concequences for her mouthiness and sass and I dropped her off at school. Then she called Mom from school to tattle on me! (BM had way too much fun calling DH about that one) SD and I talked about it later in the day, hugs, I love yous, all that, and the next day, she hates me again, more than the day before.
I feel doomed! BM does not like me, which is fine, feeling is mutual. But I don't share that with the kids. Hating me has become a bonding thing for BM and SD. SD is showing loyalty and is encouraged to protect her mom and BM is too immature to see the harm that she's doing.
This is going to SUCK because SD10 is the most hard headed argumentative person ever. She argues with me, trained my her mom, about EVERYTHING! The color of the sky, brushing her teeth, putting on her shoes, you name it. Everthing is a power struggle. My very presence in trying to be the mom of the house and try to be a parental figure will give every bit of ammunition against me.
Trick or Treat indeed. Thanks for listening.