Childless SM question
Hello everyone! I have a question pertaining to my own SM who doesn't have any children.
A little background my relationship with my SM. My situation might be a little unique. My mother is a lesbian and my SM is her partner. I have a younger sister who is 7 years younger than me. I'm in my early 40s. Throughout my childhood, my SM was what is referred to on this board as "disengaged". But she took it to a whole other level. She basically ignored me and the only time she ever interacted with me was to criticize me or say something negative/hurtful. On the other hand she adored my younger sister she was cute sweet kid and I was a teenager. I was treated like a second class citizen and my mother allowed it. Finally I couldn't take it anymore, and at the age of 16, I moved out and moved in with my paternal grandparents. (One day I'll blog about my dysfunctional childhood lol).
My SM is just not a nice person. She only has one friend and has ostracized her whole family. No one in her family speaks to her. She has always been a career woman and made a decent living. But do to a variety of factors she can't (ie, won't) work. She has not worked in the past 10 years and has no source of income. DH and I have helped her out a lot. Even though she bad mouthed me and my husband. She wondered out loud if "DH was abusing me" at a family gathering. We weren't there of course. I didn't find out about this until much later.
She always tries to guilt trip me into helping her. She says that it's the least I can do because she raised me. She spent all her hard earned money on me while I was growing up. I'm like I only lived with you for 3 years and you made sure to let it be known that you didn't like me and I wasn't welcome.
In the past 10 years we've bought her 3 cars. 1 brand new car that I financed in my name because she promised to pay the note with her lawsuit money she never paid me a dime. I eventually took the car back and sold it. Another car that wasn't good enough because it wasn't a 4 wheel drive and this final car a SUV with a 4 wheel drive.
Forgive me for writing a mini novel, I just really need to vent.
Recently she needed surgery we live on the East Coast and she lives in the midwest. Because she has no friends or family she didn't have anyone to drive her to the hospital. I found someone to drive her. She was unable to much for about 2 weeks. I paid for a home health aide to help her. It was not cheap.
All this got me to thinking about what happens when she gets older and can no longer do anything for herself? Who's responsibility is it to take care of her? Normally, if you have biological kids they would do it. But are adult sks obligated to take care of their stepparents? Also, my younger sister won't have anything to do with her. She wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire.
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Comments
I wouldn’t even do this much
I wouldn’t even do this much for my own father and he was at least somewhat better than your step mother. You don’t owe her anything. I personally don’t think it’s automatic for kids to owe even biological parents. My family knows I’ll be taking care of my mother when the time comes and my sister gets dad. My mother has been a rock for me and gone far above “basic” parenting. I love my father, don’t get me wrong, but his care ended once the check hit the bank and while he's done better since their divorce I'm still closer to my mother. Thankfully both my parents have VA support so when the time comes neither my sister or I will be supporting them on our own.
Ugh, your SM sounds like mine
Ugh, your SM sounds like mine. She was a terrible woman and made my childhood hell. Open contempt and hatred of me that included name-calling and cruel punishments. My dad allowed it all. Oddly enough, she became "nice" when I was in my 20's. Maybe because she knew I wasn't a little kid that would take it anymore. Here's what I did with that- I am cordial to her if I see her. I don't hold a grudge. But I certainly do not go out of my way to try to talk to her, much less do things for her. You are only doing this because of your step-relationship and sense of obligation (which is misplaced, honestly). She treated you cruelly and continues her abuse by not paying you back as promised and expecting you to do things for her. She's manipulating you and using you. And for some reason, you are allowing it. You didn't mention, where is your Mom in all of this?
The good thing about growing up is getting away from abuse that has happened during childhood. You get to choose to be happy, and not to be a part of it anymore. I'm glad I no longer deal with the abuse my SM inflicted on me. I'm happier without her in my life. Life is too short to keep toxic people in it, and you owe her NOTHING. People will treat us like crap as long as we allow it. Cut out the poison.
Why are you wasting time on someone who treated you terribly?
That's a very good question!
That's a very good question! I definitely need to do some soul searching to figure out why I keep helping her. My mom is still there but she's very much under my SM's control. I'm glad you were able to put your SM in her place a young age. Thank you for the advice.
XO
Because You Are a Wonderful Person.
You grew up to be a wonderful person. God bless your kind heart. I am sorry for all the pain that SM caused you, and proud of you for not turning into a bitter, vengeful person.
Agree with others above, you don't owe her. Take care of you & yours,
"My mom is still there but
"My mom is still there but she's very much under my SM's control."
The ol' SM mind control ploy. I almost felt sorry for you until you spewed this classic skid line. I'd love to hear your SM's side of the story about how she helped her partner raise 2 grateful, well behaved, accepting SD's who welcomed her into their lives with open arms.
Stop bending over backward
Stop paying her way. You owe her nothing. She owes you respect and you have never gotten that. Don’t pay another dime to help her. She is preying I’m your weakness and using you. Walk away from her.
You don't owe her anything -
You don't owe her anything - stop helping her. Bio kids don't even "owe" their parents help in old age, though if they were good parents, I think morally it's the right thing to do. I have no issue with helping my mother as she ages, as she was a good and caring mother, and the same for my father before he died.
I am childless and I don't even picture my SS speaking to me in old age, and he liked me. But he'll never be free of his mother or free to care about me or his father. I hope my nieces might help me out, but if not, I'll live in a senior home and get my help there.
Oh, but I want to add, my
Oh, but I want to add, my mother lives in an independent living for seniors building, and there is a woman whose stepson comes to visit her for dinner weekly, like I do my mother.
I think it's very sweet and it makes me sad that my SS is such a turd.
When my sister-in-law was in
When my sister-in-law was in college, her parents divorced after her father's affair. Her dad married his mistress, who never had kids. Many years later, after the dad died and the SM was diagnosed with something terminal, I remember my sister-in-law asking, "What is my obligation to this woman?"
Now I am that SM without children and getting older. My SD has always hated me, so I know better than to expect a damn thing if my husband dies other than her drama and probably a challenge to the will. If you are a person who burns bridges, you should also be a person who plans really well. I am planning really well.
Your SM should have planned really well. You're off the hook.