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Loan Cosign

capp1978's picture

So last night BD was watching videos on DH's phone.  DH was in the shower and a text comes through.  It's from SD talking about student loans.  So I confront DH about it.  As I posted previously SD19 decided to go back to college and needs to obtain student loans and needs a cosinger and DH did it without speaking to me about it.  SD has not proven herself responsible.  We bought a brand new car for SD and we had 2 rules no drinking and driving and no smoking.  Well there's burn holes in the seat, there were pictures posted online of her drinking behind the wheel and we found drugs in the car (and yes she no longer has that car).  While SD was in high school she was able to take college courses for FREE well she just didn't go to school and failed everyone of them.  SD's been fired for 9 jobs due to call offs/no shows.  She currently works for DH & he even admits if she wasn't my daughter I'd fire her.  And now DH is cosigning for a loan for her to do this all over again?

I'm sure many people are going to give me flak over this and tell me it's his daughter he should cosign for the loan so she can better herself and what is it to me if he wants to cosign, it's his money.  Now IF SD proved herself as being a responsible adult, being able to hold a job (outside of working for her dad), if she didn't continually break the rules of the car that she was given, if she treated me with respect instead of calling me a bitch to my face and telling me I'm a horrible person and she couldn't stand me then I'd have no issue with him cosigning a loan for her. And yes it will eventually affect me b/c DH & I do have joint checking & savings accounts (for the time being which we may not after this).  With that being said what's going to happen when SD defaults on this student loan?  Who is going to be responsible?  DH will be responsible since he cosigned, which in the long run affects me and our family as we could end up paying the loans.


ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Especially with combined finances he definitely should NOT have done that at all. I'm so sorry Sad You're right though, you'll likely end up paying on them, and who knows how many she'll take out beyond tuition Sad I'm so sorry.

capp1978's picture

Or drop the classes and keep the money.  SD always complains she's broke the way it is and she couldn't even afford to buy her 2 year old sister a bday card so how is she going to afford student loans?

notasm3's picture

You are screwed. Even with split finances you will be impacted. This would be a deal breaker for me.  

capp1978's picture

I know I am completely beside myself last night and this morning.  I've never felt so hurt by DH as I have been for this.  I feel like this is a huge committment that we should have discussed.  If I didn't see this text, he would have never told me about it.

beebeel's picture

This nearly destroyed my own marraige. For me, the point of contention was cosigning a loan for his sister without talking to me about it. I was a raging bitch for months until he got his name off that car loan. He knows I will leave his ass in a heartbeat if he ever pulls that shit again.

shellpell's picture

We have an agreement that dh will never co-sign a loan for skid. If something happens to DH, I’m responsible! No thanks.

ESMOD's picture

Based on her track record, he needed to give her some smaller goals to meet before he went "all in" on a loan. 

I personally was a bit of a flounderer in my  I was asked to leave the Ivy league university I attended.. because I wasn't really attending class..haha.. Anyway, my parents made me come home.. get a full time job and live on my own paying my own bills.  When I said I wanted to go back to school after a couple years in the salt mines.. my parents told me they would pay for me to take a class at the local CC and then we would go from there.  I started out still working FT and taking that one course,  If I maintained a good grade in it.. they would pay for more courses (my parents could well afford to pay for our educations.. and it was important to them).

Over the space of 18 months.. I took courses and transitioned to taking courses "ft" in CC by the end of that time and then my parents said they would help me to go to finish at a state univ.  Which thed did do because I held up my end of things.

My parents actually had a rule about never cosigning for us... they might lend or give us money.. but wouldn't sign on a loan.

In any case.. your DH should have if anything.. offered to front your SD the money to sign up for ONE CC class.  Success?  maybe he would help her with more.. and maybe if she eventually proved it to you both.. you might be ok with him cosigning? 

But right out of the gate with poor history.. no.


capp1978's picture

This is exactly what I told him.  She needed to prove herself to be responsible before co-signing on a loan.  He tells me that I haven't given her the opportunity to prove herself.  I told him I have given her multiple opportunities to prove herself over the years and she hasn't proved herself yet.  Maybe we can help her when she proves herself to me.

ESMOD's picture

TBH.. you are actually at a perfect time to give her the option of testing herself.  He should insist that she take a class or two at the local CC.. IF she gets a B or better in both classes (distance learning.. in person either one).. then he will agree to cosign for a loan of up to 50% of the costs.. she will of course be working full time in the next months.. so she can save the other half.


She can take these classes now through the summer.. then in the fall she could start a ft semester if ok.

capp1978's picture

I completely agree with you.  I want her to prove herself at a local community college first.  If she can prove to be responsible, actually go to class and get good grades then we can consider helping her the second semester.  

ESMOD's picture

It doesn't even need to be full time.. just two classes DH.. maybe make her pay for the first one up front.. and DH promises to reimburse her if she gets a B or better?  Then he will front money for the 2nd class.. and then if they both go well.. let's try school ft?  It seems really reasonable.  It's too late for spring semester.. so summer or distance learnaing classes are really her only option until the fall.  Let's see if she is serious enough to commit to a small amount before we let her fail with LOTS of money.

shamds's picture

because when it involves joint finances its not just his money. Its your money. Your husband does not respect you hun, if he did he knew the basic thing is to discuss it. He made an executive decision with no consideration of you, your household and kids

ntm's picture

It’s not a marriage when one person makes unilateral decisions that could have/will have profound effects on the family’s future. 

DH knows I would throw him and his belongings into the street if he EVER co-signs a loan for either of his daughters. Parents co-signing loans for adult children is the number one reason why people can’t afford to retire. 

Your DH needs to rescind his co-obligation TODAY. NO excuses or arguments or drama. She had a chance and she blew it. Now she needs to put on her big girl panties and figure it out for herself. And yes that means she works while taking classes. Not one person in my family has not done that, and we all have college degrees. 

If he refuses, he can start paying you child support because this is a hill to die on and you will go see a lawyer and file for divorce. And make sure you get paying for college expenses in the custody order. 

I’m furious with him for you. How dare he? 

capp1978's picture

Thank you.  I never thought we'd have to have this discussion b/c he knows how I feel about the decisions she's made and the way she's treated.  I have worked so hard for our family and to build the life we have together.  We're not rich by no means but we live comfortably.  I'm don't want the debt of some irresponsible adult hanging over my head.

shamds's picture

You are not in a marriage hun because important decisions which affect the household need to be discussed together and mutually agreed upon. It doesn’t matter if you are the sahm your husband doesn’t get to make unilateral and executive decisions without discussing with you and mutually agreed upon.

late last year i had this major talk with hubby. I started first with if he respected me. He of course says yes he respects me as his wife. I called bullshit on it and stated the facts, him making executive decisions with skids involving our time, my time, our 2 toddlers time to revolve around them. I was not consulted on anything but hubby last minute guilted me into going to such and such events when we had other major things.

boiling point for me was a nephews wedding in jan, i had made it clear we are not chauffeurs for sd’s because hubby always volunteered to pick them up at their home, its a 1 hour detour either way and they are never ready on time. They are capable of getting to the event or location on their own as eldest sd drives. I am never consulted but have to deal with 2 very cranky carsick toddlers starved of food and water to minimise the risk of them vomiting while we play taxi for lazybums...

So since hubby made the executive decision again knowing full well how all the skids are, how rude and disrespectful they are to me and our 2 kids together, how they do not respect our boundaries and how i made it very clear to hubby i would not go if sd’s would be there. He assured me they would not. 30mins later sd’s confirmed they would be there and as usual change their plans last minute and hubby assured me we would not change our plans but behind my back he agreed to pick them up etc and they would go straight home after the wedding. But because they last minute changed plans they would be at family home and Having an adult sd bang on your bedroom door like last time for unimportant things in early hours of the morning with sleeping toddlers is rude and something i will not tolerate.  

So i told hubby don’t lie to me and say you forgot, you knew my decision and you chose to lie for what? To have me put in a situation i wanted to avoid? To have me suck it up? To have me lose it in front of them. I felt i was being gaslighted at that point.

i told him i refused to go, i and our toddlers would stay home. Hubby chose to not go to the wedding solemnisation that day but went for the reception the next day. Lo and behold sd’s got picked up by hubby of course and were dressed like they were in mourning going to a funeral. 

I stand my ground when hubby makes these executive decisions because after a while his sisters will notice i refuse to attend important family events like weddings when sd’s are there and will question him and hubby is afraid of this. Attending family events is supposed to be a fun time but hubby making these executive decisions and putting me in these very uncomfortable situations makes me hate and disrespect him

i suggest you start asking him directly or by text when he is at work “do you respect and love me as your wife?” He of course will reply “yes of course” 

this is when you lay the facts down that as he made his executive decision, he does not respect or love you. You are garbage to him because a man who loves and respects his wife involves her in joint finance decisions. If hubby is unable to cover the loan personally, they go after joint finances to cover it. If something happens to hubby, they can go after him and garnish wages or money from his bank acct or any  joint assets if its a secured loan. If the bank decides to declare him bankrupt, they go after anything he owns. If they see a joint bank acct, its in his name and they see funds they don’t care about you, its joint money and he owes so now you’re in this mess for something you were never consulted on. What happens if they go after your house. So repeat to hubby you are not his wife, you do not respect and love me so why should we be married?

i told hubby i was better off being a single divorced mum because lets face it he claims to be married but lives a bachelor life making executive decisions with no care or concern how it affects his household and immediate family members...

even after this he slipped up again. I am currently finishing my university studies, this 1 semester i told hubby you can’t just disappear on weekends with your mates for golf etc. I really need the weekend to fully focus with no kid distractions and since he is a dad, he needs to do his part since he has crazy work hours during the week. I told him if he were not capable of this that i was better off finishing my studies in my country. We have spotty mobile internet reception so its a daily struggle. He took off a whole day like early morning till 9pm. He got home and i got my textbooks and went to our bedroom, locked the doors and studied. I studied for 2 days for assessments coming up as this was 1st week at uni so more reading than usual. 

I told him he wasn’t supporting me at all and making executive decisions on what he could do when he has responsibilities as a husband and father. He shaped up big time then as i was ready to buy a 1 way ticket back to my country. He assured me previously he would be supportive and would ask first if it were ok to play golf etc incase i had major assessments or exams etc then but ignored and disappeared fora whole day... a day i was swamped with alot of work to do... he never again pulled this shit again.

every weekend he is asking in advance if i have assessments and sometimes there are several online exams and assignments all due at once so if i’m busy he stays home watching the kids while i finish my studies.

until you have this firm talk with him and make it clear you never signed up for this so he needs to make it that you don’t ever become financially liable and since he is co-signer of the loan, he needs to remove himself. If he can’t or will not, sd has a choice to take a loan in her name which she likely can’t if no stable job and bad credit rating. 

He could have offered to reimburse a portion of her fees if she maintained good grades but this means she’d have to get a kob to cover costs and poor sd she needs to be privileged and pampered

advice.only2's picture

I’m sorry that sucks, can you have him show you the terms of the loan and how much?  That way he can either pick up a part time job or start figuring out where he can set aside to pay for this loan that will be his to pay?

capp1978's picture

That's the thing, DH just trusts SD and he honestly has no idea terms, the interest rate nor the amount.  He said it can't be that much it's one semester at a state school.  I asked him did she look into financial aid?  Did you look into financial aid for her?  I said how much is this going to cost?  His response to all of this I don't know & did you look into fiancial aid while in college? My reply was yes, who doesn't look into all their options?

Jcksjj's picture

Cosigning a loan for an irresponsible person isnt helping her. Its enabling - DH feels better about himself because he did something and she continues to be irresponsible and not learn a thing. All that will come of it is a second person's credit getting ruined. My inlaws did this for SIL when she was like 18 - shes now 30 and it's still biting them because she just defaulted on the loans a second time. 

I'm sorry he did that. I'd be absolutely irate.

Love_and_Loathing's picture

I would give him an ultimatum, and I hate ultimatums, but: get your name off that loan or I’m done here. 


That was was beyond disrespectful and it’s enabling his daughter to continue being an absolute fuckoff. I was an absolute fuck from 14-20, and my ma never ever would’ve co-signed a loan for me. However, I did maintain a part time job from 18-22, and kept my grades decent in college, so at least I figured it out (because my ma kicked me out when I graduated high school and told me to be a goddamn adult). 

TwoOfUs's picture

Hmmm. I guess I should feel lucky that my DH has very minimal income and wouldn't be able to cosign a loan for his kids, then. lol. 

Seriouosly...this is the worst. What an idiot. Who doesn't look into grants and other free federal money before taking out a loan? Of course, if your SD is such a terrible student, she may not be eligible for any of it. Even the federal government won't back a lazy student...that should give your DH pause, don't you think? 

And one semester at a state college = at least 10K and probably more. Because it's not just tuition. They inflate the loan you're eligible for because they put books, fees, rent...and cost of living in there as well. 

This would make me incredibly upset. 

MommyT's picture

That’s wrong. When his choices affect you, then it needs to be a joint decision. 

still learning's picture

It sounds like she needs a bus pass and a pamplet to the local tech school. This is what happens when too much is given to someone who isn't ready for the responsibility.  She'd take much better care of the car if she'd contributed to it.  She would have tried harder in her classes if she'd earned scholarships or had to pay for it on some level.  

Definitely separate finances. At the moment SD is a money drain and DH is just going to keep pouring it in trying to fix the problem.  

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H deep down knows that cosigning wasn't the best decision which is why he didn't tell you. He keeps the details from you because he knows it may bite him in the @ss. The fact that he made such a decision without consulting you first would make me separate finances ASAP. Have you considered doing so? If she defaults this will impact you and for him to take this risk on is baffling.

capp1978's picture

Yes I have thought about separating finances since I found out.  I sat down this morning and tried to figure out how it will work and when bills are due to give him a breakdown.  I honestly never thought about it until now b/c we are supposed to be a team. 

Cbarton12's picture

This would make me furious. Because no matter, it is going to affect you if she defaults. Your SD had clearly proven to be an irresponsible and ungrateful person. I wouldn't give her one cent until she proved she deserved the help. 

ndc's picture

SD can take out a $5500 guaranteed student loan without a co-signer. So unless she and your DH are incredibly lazy or stupid and didn't fill out the FAFSA and pursue that loan, whatever he's co-signing is on top of that. It affects his credit, not only if she defaults but right away, because it is considered his debt too.

The fact that he is sneaking around doing this without discussing it with you is telling. This would be a hill to die on for me. You should separate finances immediately and let him know your extreme displeasure in whatever way seems right to you.

capp1978's picture

I emailed DH several links in regards to financial aid and federal student loans.  I texted him (I haven't spoken to him since last night) and said I spent about 5 minutes and used a little thing called google to look up financial aid and federal student loans which DO NOT require a cosigner.  You can borrow up to $5,500/year for federal student loans without a co-signer.  Maybe someone shoudl do a little more research into their options.  I haven't gotten a response back and I assume I won't.

hereiam's picture

That's the thing, DH just trusts SD and he honestly has no idea terms, the interest rate nor the amount.

Oh my God, what an idiot. I would be livid.

capp1978's picture

My husband is one of the smartest men I know.  Until it comes to his sweet innocent little girl.  Then everything goes out the window.

Harry's picture

Buy takeing total amount of bills for the month.  DH pays 2/3 of them, you pay 1/3.  You also take the amount of loan and put that in a bank account in your name only.  When SD pays back her loan you put that money back into a joint account.  You DH might have to work harder to indulge his DD 

Thumper's picture

I could cut and paste many NEVER co-sign for your kids stories from financial wizards. Instead I will give you a short story. You can look the info up yourself.

SINCE your hubby co-signed and IF sd decides she cant adult---guess who they will come after. DH

They will attache his social security if they have to. They will garnish everything they can to get their money back. Seniors have lost their retirement because of bad decisions just like this. Look it up.

Hope everything works out ok.



notasm3's picture

This (financial infidelity) would bother me more than sexual infidelity.  Not that I would be accepting of either.  But at least with sexual cheating they can stop it.  There is no time out from student loans.