VALIDATION FOR DH!!!
Y'all, the nearly-impossible happened. Things may change, but I am taking victories where they come.
Y'all ready for the Skid Good Word?
Are you?
Ready?
Okay!
OSS wrote a SCATHING letter about BM to BM and left it on her computer. He actually said in the letter that he didn't think she would find it since she is computer-inept.
Anyway, the highlights were that OSS hates that BM babies YSS but expects OSS to act like an adult, but when he tries to do what she asks, all he gets is cussed at. He also says that BM doesn't know him like she thinks despite spending so much time with him, yet DH gets him while only seeing him 3 days every 2 weeks. It basically ends with "I could cuss you out, but Dad taught me better than that."
Y'ALL I WAS STIFLING LAUGHTER! BM sent DH the letter and asked him to talk to OSS about it. DH is going to, not because OSS is in trouble, but to make sure he is alright. I have no idea what he will say to BM about it, because what she initially said was in the letter is NOT what was actually there.
OSS is a good kid. He is quiet but witty. The letter was scathing, but in a respectful way. My biggest fear has always been him feeling like he has to care for his mom when he gets older, but some of that fear is subsiding. It was evident that he has felt this way for a while, and I highly doubt he'll change how he feels.
I do feel bad for OSS that he feels this way, but I can't help but feel goos for DH. Not because he is "winning" his kids, but because one of them notices that he TRIES. As an NCP who had a BM try to poison his kids against him, that letter is GOLDEN.
Now to await the fallout...
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Comments
Lt_dad, this may be the most
Lt_dad, this may be the most magical thing I've heard in a while! Kudos to your DH for doing his best! And kudos to your OSS for realizing what was going on on his own and admitting he has an issue with it! Too many kids will sweep it under the rug and continue to let it happen just becuase they're "mom." So good for him! Plus even better than he learned how to be respectful while stating his mind!
OSS is what I would call the
OSS is what I would call the "better" version of DH. He carries many of DH's good qualities and manages the bad ones really well. He is very self-aware, but I never imagined he would put his feelings into writing (though thats a very DH thing to do, so I shouldn't be surprised).
Good for him!!!
Good for him!!!
It is nice to get some
It is nice to get some validation that the kids actually do realize a little of what is going on. Unfortunately, if OSS is a decent kid, he willl probably still try to help his mom later on... even though he knows she has issues.
He probably will, but this
He probably will, but this gives me hope that he won't do EVERYTHING for her.
My fear was that when either boy gets out of school and gets a good job that she will claim she's too sick to work and move in with one of them. OSS would be the one who felt most obligated to help her to the point of giving up his own life, including finishing school. This letter gives me hope that, while he'll help, it will only be in the capacity that he can manage.
I don't want to have contact with BM after the boys age out, but I'll tell her exactly what kind of person she is, to her face, if she pulls the "woe is me" crap with either of them as adults. No kid, no matter the age, should be guilted by their parent in that manner. I have hope, now, that OSS won't fall for it...fully.
It's tough to worry about
It's tough to worry about that. My DH's EX was borrowing money constantly from both her daughters after they were on their own and got jobs. The youngest especially is very soft hearted. I think they have both cut that off after not recouping what they lent her. When she had custody... their grandmother used to hold on to any birthday or Christmas cash because anything that went to the girls got spent by BM. she would make them give her gas money etc... sad.... but that is the kind of person she is.
Yay for your DH! It is nice
Yay for your DH! It is nice to see the good guy win. Your DH has done the right thing by always being there and taking the high road with the BM. I like to believe that kids will see the light as they get older and put two and two together and be able to form their own opinions.
Unfortunately that is not always the case. I know my SO's dad had two kids from a previous marriage and from the sounds of she kinda poisoned them against him. He always paid child support, tried to see his kids and do right by them. When they were older and a few years after child support ended and they knew my FIL was making some big bucks they tried to say that he still owed them 2000 a month for support. Now this is all stuff I hear. But I find it hard to believe a man who is very generous and caring with my SO and SIL that he would not be with his two other children.
I have never met them, as there is really no relationship there. There is two sides to every story but it sometimes BM's can really take hold on kid mentally and destroy the other parent in their minds. It is so sad to see it happen.
Anyway sorry little off track. Hope all just moves on and there is not a big blow up from BM about it all.
I never expected either kid
I never expected either kid to verbally (or, I guess, in writing) acknowledge that BM was a problem. I mean, I expect fights (the boys are teens, it happens). This was much deeper.
My biggest fear of fallout is what will happen to OSS when he goes back home. I don't think he intended for BM to see it *this* soon, and with her being unemployed and it being summer break, they are going to have lots of time together. I don't think she'll be violent, but I do fear that her and GBM will gang up on him and/or turn him into Cinderella.
That's fantabulous!!!
That's fantabulous!!!
I hope this gives BM a wake-up call and she isn't crappy to OSS.
Now THAT is wishful thinking!
Now THAT is wishful thinking!
BM is the eternal victim. DH was horrible as a husband and that's why she left. It had nothing to do with the fact that she was verbally and physically abusive to DH so he shut down.
She kicked XH out at least 4 times since DH and I have been together (and has had at least 2 BFs while married to him, both times while he was STILL LIVING WITH HER), but as soon as he filed for divorce, she went victim mode. Last I heard, she was mad at him because he wouldn't move back in to watch the boys while she looked for a new job. That was earlier this month. They divorced in MARCH.
BM's truck needed a new motor before I came along. DH and FIL looked to help her but found nothing. Offered to help her buy a new (to her) car instead. She screamed at DH that he was no help and cussed him out, then hung up.
She ranted in front of OSS when he was little that DH didnt pay enough CS. When OSS asked DH why, DH explained that, in addition to the littlw CS he was paying, he was paying for her apartment, utilities, car insurance, and cell phone. OSS gave BM his change intended for his piggy bank saying she needed it more than him. Again, yelling, screaming, crying at DH.
Got a restraining order against DH before their divorce hearing, and managed to get temporary supervised visits for DH, because someone broke into "her" car. You know, the car that was in BOTH their names because they weren't divorced yet? The car that HE was insuring and had to pay to have the window replaced? The car HE has been trying to sign over to her for YEARS (just happened last year) that she wouldn't change her name on the title because DH always plated it so HE wouldn't get in trouble and HE, again insured.
BM kicked GBM out of HER OWN HOUSE and lived there rent-free until the home was condemned and BM was ordered to move out. While I didn't fully agree with how GBM handled that, BM brought it entirely on herself.
Yep, BM is always the victim.
Gads. I've known people like
Gads. I've known people like that and loathe them.
I guess BM wants your DH to
I guess BM wants your DH to lie to the kid and tell him that she’s not really a sack of sh*t.
That is my guess. I think she
That is my guess. I think she hopes that DH will tell him that he needs to love and respect his mother, etc.
To a certain extent, DH will do that. However, DH has his own strained relationship with his MIL, and I can see DH giving OSS advice on how to handle toxicity.
I'm less curious as to what he'll talk to OSS about and more curious what he'll tell BM. My dream is that he'll tell her to fly a kite and get her act together. Alas, he's too polite to do that.
I wish
I wish Ss here would do something like that. He has always had all the mouth about what a piece of sh*t she is and refused to go there (we would have welcomed the break) but he never opened his mouth to her or in writing.
He has
SEEN THE LIGHT!!! WOW!!! just WOW!!!
Won't ever happen in our case--waaaaaaaaaaaay too enmeshed!!
I'm so glad your SS sees
I'm so glad your SS sees through BM's BS! I wish my OSS would wake up- he's 19 and there's no sign of release from the PAS.