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How to navigate older children from a previous relationship

LCF13's picture

Hello everyone, 

I've been married to my current husband for 8 years. We jointly have a six year old. I have a 25 year old from a previous relationship.  My current husband's eldest children doesn't recognize or have any type of relationship with my daughter. Mind you he raised these girls from a previous relationship but they aren't biological his. He however does recognize and claim them as his children. However, his eldest two daughters doesn't have any relationship and they seem to have a problem with me especially his youngest from a previous relationship.  He blames me for the breakdown in there relationship.  Again, they are very toxic and I don't want my child around anyone who st the bare minium be cordial.  His youngest stated to me she would visit my home but not speak,  I in return asked her why would you visit my home and unwilling to speak to the homeowner? I told her I would never visit someone whom has an issue with me. She said you're right. Now 6 years later never had I had a conversation with her. She sends us a wedding invitation and because of the dynamic relationship with his ex disrespecting me by cursing me out and the fact no one has seen our daughter I felt he needed to attend by himself so the attention could be on her day without the distraction of our daughter.  He was okay with it until now two years later I'm still dealing with this nightmare. We are taking about young ladies who are 29 and 33 . Why am I still dealing with this. I told my husband I never told your daughters they couldn't visit she decided not to. The state is free and there are plenty of hotels for him to or her to book. He then wanted to take our daughter without me and I told him we are not doing that. Until these issues are resolved I don't think it's appropriate for our child to be caught in the middle. It seems I'm always the bad person and the reason why his eldest decided to cut ties and barely speak to him. I personally don't like that the relationship they have with him is transactional. Yes, he could do better in remembering and being a part of his grand children's lives. I used to buy then gifts but I never received any kind of thank you so I stopped. It's up to him to do that not my responsibility.  I truly feel that his ex has a part in why they have decided not to be involved in our daughters life and to kinda distance themselves from his life . How do I navigate this and put boundaries in to protect my daughter am I wrong? 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

1.  Your adult daughter and his adult daughters don't have to have any relationship.  that's their choice.

2.  You can put a line in the sand about your younger being exposed to his other daughters because of the estrangement.  

3. Were you dating their father before he left their mother?  is there any truth to the fact that you may have had a part in splitting up the relationship?  If so, I would expect it will be forever difficult for them to forgive.. their father was the one who cheated.. but it's often the partner that gets the blame.. because they are not their parent.. it's unfortunate.. but not unexpected.. and it takes very mature people to get past something.. most can't.  

4.  He is welcome to see his kids.. but you and your younger child.. are not obligated to join in.. if his kids cannot be civil to you.. they don't deserve your time or attention.

MorningMia's picture

The important things is for you and DH to be on the same page. Can't control adults' behavior. I'd totally disengage from his kids and move on. The only issue will be if your DH isn't onboard with that -- then you all need to figure out how to settle that. 
Our situation is that my DH sees his kids elsewhere. I have chosen not to participate in graduations, etc., although I did attend a wedding. That is the agreement we came to and it works for us. 

Rags's picture

THis guy is even more pathetic than the usual pathetic failed family breeder partner. He was never a breeder in that failed family yet he willfully drags the baggage along and blames you for it.

Nea

From your wording, it does not soud like he adopted them or took any official stand to make his position with them formal.

You are his mate, time to dictate and tell him that you would not tolerate their toxicity if they were his and since they are not his, there will be zero place for them in  your life, in your child's life, and in  your marriage. He keeps his interface with them entirely separate from the family and not one Cent of marital resources goes to them under any circumstances.

Make sure he is clear that he is faced with a shit pile of CS and a very zero tolerance next XW if he does not immediately gain clarity.

Grrrrr.

Full disclosure, I adopted my SS at his request.  Even with that, your DH is a piece of work.

Stepdrama2020's picture

I totally agree with this.

Personally Id dump a dude who relegates his wife as the bad guy and not the toxic non bio daughters of his. I know easier said than done. Dang it though your DD needs to see that husbands are respectful to their wives and put the toxic BS non bio daughters in their place.

Good for you for keeping your DD away from the toxic crap.

 

CLove's picture

Disengagement is your friend - your very best friend.

But make it clear that you will no longer be used as the scapegoat in his failed relationships with these adults.