This is personal, isn't it?
So I've had to restart as a new member as I was having some very bizarre technical issues, unfortunately that means all my background has gone. So, just for context, I've been with my BF for 7 years this year. He has 2 girls, 11 & 15. We bought a house 5 years ago, I was 1 year into a relationship with his children at that time. His ex wife is non HC thankfully.
Anyway, I've had a great relationship with both girls, non issues, all good. When thr eldest turned 14, she came for me (verbally). It was a bolt out of the blue, a shock to the system and sent me down some dark paths of anxiety where, I never ate, slept, my life basically was turned upside down..... by a 14 year old. It was a shock to me as I would never ever put up with someone like that pre relationship. Id have swung anyone out by their pigtails if someone spoke to me like that in my parents house which is where I lived before this relationship. I say there and took it, her mum was by her side, dad was also in the room who said nothing, I was attacked from all corners.
Anyway.. we bounced back from that but our relationship has never been the same as it was. It has taken me a while to get to where I am now, with the help of this forum, the amazing posts I read by Rags (and others, but Rags has been the one for me to get my head back on track, so thanks!). There have been a few bumps in road since, and dad has slowly started ro grow a backbone and start speaking up for me, backing me up, and see the passive aggressive stunts his eldest is playing, although there are times where he still has his blinkers on.
More recently, we had a blow up, and dad fully backed me on it, didn't believe her, we nearly split up, and this is what happened..
Teenage step daughter sneakily and quietly removes you from FB and you only realise when you go to tag her in something she would appreciate, and it says 'Add Friend'.
When confronted, the excuse is, 'I kept getting notifications from you and I didn't know how to disable them so it was easier to remove you sorry".
I hardly posted that week so not sure where the notifications were coming from, and out of all her 50 friends, I was the only one 'with notifications' yet all the family (her side and dads) all remain on her friend list.
Of course I took it personally and it blew up big time. Dad finally took my side and told her he didn't believe her. I detached a while ago but this was the icing on the cake to literally DETACH FOR GOOD. The fact I was singled out while all her family remained was the point I was trying to make.
This is a kid who has turned on me for no reason, sent me through some darks times of anxiety and low self esteem and self worth, my relationship has been on the line, but I'm now at the point if it blows up again you can look TF out.
Since then, any photo or tagged status that was on her profile that included me has been removed by the little turd.
Notifications issue? Yeah right
Facebook
One reason I'm not on FB is this very reason, the possibility of adding drama to my life. Stay disengaged and stay civil and polite. You know how she is now. Yes, it's personal. Hopefully, your BF will stay strong.
Thank you. I'm not a fan of FB either.
But for me it has its uses so that i can stay in touch with my family and friends... i moved quite away to be with my BF.
when she decides she can
when she decides she can erase you she forgets you can erase her as well. drop the rope. she is rude about your cooking, don't cook for her. she is ruude abou you in the home, she loses the privilege of your kindness, wallet, driving, buying, sharing. No one, and I mean no one, treats you that way in your own home and gets to enjoy any perks of knowing you.
I have a fb. I use it daily, as some here can attest. If someone unfriends me, blocks me, mutes me.... they lose out on the perks of my kindness on there. block me in a snit? you don't get to come back.
Little lady wants to play games, she plays them alone.
And you? Head up, back straight, she needs you a hell of a lot more than you need her. Drop that rope!!
Thank you!
You have no idea how these responses are helping me grow my confidence and get the old pre relationship me back!
Not. On. My. Watch.
Anymore.
Yes!
This! I like your no nonsense approach. Life is too short for nonsense. My natural inclination is to be warm and loving, unless someone does me dirty. When I am done, that person is dead to me. I find that the older I get, plus dealing with step nonsense, has resulted in me being 'done' much faster. I will still be cordial, I keep it short, and I move on.
Honestly... teen girls are
Honestly... teen girls are not necessarily going to want to be on social media with parents. and... at this point, I think you probably need to allow her to have her own boundaries. If she doesn't want to be facebook friends with her stepmom.. or her aunt Ida.. she shouldn't have to. Her bio parents should be able to maintain and have all access to her social media and email accounts.. and should be reviewing her activity and activity on her devices.. this does not have to be your issue. She is in your home.. she isn't like those people you moved away from.. you don't have to be on her social media to be in her life.
Her not being your friend doesn't change your ability to stay in touch with those people that you moved away from.
If you want to push it.. you can friend request her again.. but my personal opinion is that she should have some rights to who she wants to have on her social media.
Am I understanding correctly that you are upset because she
Am I understanding correctly that you are upset because she undfriended you on Facebook? And you were upset enough that you almost split up with your DH over it? Because I think there are a lot of teenagers out there, who if they still even have Facebook, would not want to be friends with their parents and step parents. She probably didn't want to come right out and say she unfriended you, so she came up with the excuse. My take would be to just count yourself lucky she won't see what you post on Facebook and let this go.
Sounds petty, doesn't it?
To me, it isn't. It's the way it was done. To me. And only me. Nobody else. The fact we have a volatile relationship which I've tried so hard to be liked, tried to mend, tried to make sure she realises im not here to take her dad away, it's more than just being deleted from social media. It's because it's me. ME. Why wouldn't I take it personally? Unless you are living in an awkward situation you are trying to better and these little passive aggressive stunts get thrown over to you out of the blue, it's hard to not over think what you've done, and nobody else seems to have done.
She's a teen girl.. she can
She's a teen girl.. she can be mean to someone just because her mascara didn't go on right this morning. But.. you know, it could be personal.
Maybe she doesn't like you. She doesn't HAVE to like you. She doesn't have to like you and give you a window to her social media.. no matter how hard you have tried to be nice and make her like you.
What she does have to do is be civil to you in your home.. and your DH should insist on it. Facebook is not part of that.
On your end.. how do you take that? Well.. does everyone in the world like you? probably not. No matter how lovely we are.. some people just will not like us. Can be for "personal" reasons.. or it can be just because of a role we are in.
For you.. maybe it's not personal in that she would be like this with ANY woman who married her dad? So, how you deal? You match her energy and disengage. You are polite but stop trying to win her affections. Being civil and kind to people in the home should be expected behaviors.. and it's up to your DH to insist on that.. but you can stop doing the extra niceties for a girl who apparently is not super interested in more of a relationship with you.
I'm disengaged to the point I
I'm disengaged to the point I act like SD and BM don't exist. They are both blocked on FB. SD14 has a cell phone, but I don't even have her number. No need for me to communicate with her.
Hey, I'm a dogmum too, the
Hey, I'm a dogmum too, the best mum to be!
Over the last 12 months my ability to disengage without guilt has come on leaps and bounds. I still find it quite awkward and difficult when she is here and we have to sit at the dinner table, but as my BF quite rightly said a few weeks ago, 'this is your house and you should not be made to feel like you can't sit at your dinner table while she is there, and not to give her the power of making you go and hide away while she is here'. I felt that! Disengaging is hard at first but everyone is right, it gets easier!
It is so heartening to see that you have found confidence and
It is so heartening to see that you have found confidence and purged the toxic step spawn to the point that you keep her in her place and kept her mother and anyone else circling their toxic drain in their places.
In my mind, the thing to celebrate the most is that your DH has gained clarity, recognizes how noxious and how much of a liar his spawn is, her mother is, and that you and DH have grown to deal with them as a team.
Enjoy living your best lives together.
As for FB. I use it to keep tabs on family and friends. There are a few people who get shitty when I comment so I pretty much ignore thair replies to comments I may make. Nothing hugely contetious.
Had one today actually. Someone I went to HS with posted a meme bashing Elon Musk for not donating new schools, or hospitals, and pretty much not being a philanthropist with his wealth. I had no idea about Elon Musk's philanthropic activities so I Shmoogled the topic and read the AI summary. In 2024 he was the highest donating philanthropist through his foundation. St Judes and a couple of other specific donations were mentioned. I just snipped the AI summary and put it in a comment commenting that I had never considered EM's philanthropy and that the summary of a Shmoogle search was under my comment. I got slammed by a another HS friend of mine who postes several articles about how EM's charity was self serving, etc, etc, etc...... I really don't care, I just posted that last year he was the #1 charitable donator in the US. No judgement, just facts according to Forbes.
So, I basically just present the facts and let those who are so inclined lose their shit over it. I do not even read the responses.
Live your best life. Share that on FB with those you want to share it with and be connected with. Let the noxious 14yo lose her pea sized mind and play her turn up her nose blocking games. I don't bother even blocking those types. I let them simmer in their pathetic crap.
You do you. You and DH live your best lives together. It is okay to bask in the light that living well is also the best revenge.
Thanks Rags.
It's been an uphill struggle with BF recognising his DD's passive aggressive treatment to me and only me. He definitley is the Disney Dad but the latest obstacles opened his eyes a bit. I guess it seems petty to some people but the principle and the point behind the action still stands and I will always stand up for what's right and how an action affects people! I'm always all for principle & point, regardless how petty it might be to someone else who might be stronger minded than someone else. If you want to raise a snotty entitled POS, be my guest, but the latest was the icing on the cake for me and gave me even stronger detachment reigns to pull. And I feel good about it! I was never that 14 yo. My parents would never allow it. She's smart and clever, she knows what she's doing. My revenge is in the making. Life is going to get a whole lot better. (I have no idea how to use the smileys..!)
Same as you, I have a FB account to keep tabs on family and friends. We don't live close in location, so it's perfect for me to stay in touch and see what everyone is up to!
!
It may be petty to some, but it affects YOU! I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes things that others may see as petty can be painful and there are so many 'whys' this may be...often it triggers unresolved issues. Do what you have to do to take care of you. Blessings to you.
disengaging become easier
With time, you must realize you will never have a relationship with this eSD. That she is just a boarded renting a room on your part. It you cook you make what you want with exter for SD, She can eat it or PB and J.
She's holding you at arms
She's holding you at arms length. So don't put extra effort into moving closer. Do you but do it w/ the knowledge that she has chosen to remove herself from your inner circle so to speak. She's a teenager, she's going to teenage. But when someone chooses to keep you at a distance, you don't have to beg for each inch closer.
The FB thing is silly but it's not silly. It hurt you and that I'm guessing was the purpose. Accept it. Absorb it. Move on. When someone rejects us through words and actions they reject the overlap that comes with us. For a parent, a step parent that overlap is those little extras you did just because. Those treats, those special events, those special meals. Don't stop doing them for everyone else but respect her distance. And take a deep breath then let it go and w/ it let go of this FB issue. It's done, wash it away.
Yes!
Solid, sensible advice.
SD chooses to play games
And it's a gamer on her part, To control your life, to control her BF. Yout SO nit having yout back gave SD more power, SO now has your back but not parenting his DD. Not telling her she is basically wrong. That she is a child and what her place is.
Unfortunately It may be to late. SD hurt you too much, to go back ''to the way it was''. You must create a new relationship with SD. What can be disengagement. If it was me, not a good example .. Not a penny of my money or time would go to SD. Any money from SO going to SD. EQUAL amount of money would go into a bank account in my name only.
There would be bedroom repercussions on SO. bad parenting.
I would never be connected to
I would never be connected to the Step-Diablas26&28 on social media. I count it as a blessing. I also do what I can to protect my BK's from SD's and have zero interest in them developing a relationship. I have realized that SD's refusing to be kind to my BK's was actually a blessing in disguise. They are a terrible influence and I don't want them hurting my BK's.
Same here
I'm kinda glad that SS doesn't use FB and he seems to have no interest in connecting with anyone family members (except for asking for things).
I won't know how to react if he ever sends me a "friend request"...