SO met with my lawyer today to restart this whole divorce/custody thing again (previous divorce was closed due to a lot of stupidity and dumb lawyers who shouldn't have a license to practice) My attorney set SO's retainer at a price he can afford and he's a good lawyer. BM got a new lawyer and I already had some insight to that ones currant situation (no paralegals, swamped with cases etc) because her son is the VP of my company.
We got to his appointment with the lawyer (side note I went with as I was off work since I'd been in the ER all night with a ruptured ovarian cyst didn't even know I had them, and SO kinda wanted me with to make sure I was okay) I hadn't really planned on going but #1 he asked my BD if she wanted to drive (she's got her permit and we try to let her drive every chance she can) #2 he asked me if I wanted to because he didn't want me home alone in pain.
We get there and have to wait a bit and we're talking about the papers BM dropped off to SO (crappiest divorce offer ever she gets the kids and he gets "reasonable visitation"
Now he was never "served" with these papers she went to her new lawyer had them wrote up stamped and all he'd have to do is sign in front of a notary and it's done. Turns out she's never filed with the court which was what I figured and since she handed them to him he wasn't legally served which I knew as well, and I explained all this to SO some time ago. He had previously said he wanted his kids full time, sitting waiting for the lawyer he's looking at the papers she gave him and says "Hmmm these terms really seem fine to me, and see she even put in we take turns claiming the kids" WHAT!!
ok first- "she claimed them both this year so you should get to claim them both next year, then after that you each claim one every year IF you don't have full custody of course. You did read the part where she keeps the kids whom she dumps on her brother and you get REASONABLE visitation right you know that means she lets you have your kids when SHE feels like it so your at her beck and call and kiss her ass to see your kids?"
SO- "oh guess I read it wrong"
Read it wrong are you kidding me we've discussed that's what it ment a few times! grrrrr. So here I sit realizing every time I've brought this up he's not really listened to me. Hi I'm Lalena I practically wrote my own divorce spent countless hours reading divorce law for my own case, my cousins divorce, my coworkers change of custody all so they could save $ and I do know what the heck I'm talking about why am I being ignored (my own personal thoughts when I feel my intelligence is being wasted on people who don't want to listen and yes I know it's a problem and why those words don't come outta my mouth)
SO's body language immediately says he's ticked that I know what's going on more than he does and I'm calling him out on letting BM run his life through this offer. Lawyer gets there and I ask SO if he wants me to come in and he says "NO your irritating me right now!"
He went in with the lawyer and I'm in tears I'm not trying to write his divorce for him it's his darn divorce, and his darn kids, but I am reminding him of what he's said he wants, what he can ask for, what he can do, and supporting his choices, and now I'm irritating him! Least he could of said no honey I want to do this myself or something like that instead of attitude. I went and sat in the car with my DD and almost had her drive me home and leave SO there. We've never in almost a year had a fight, discussions yes, fights no, and I got a fight brewing in me.
SO comes out to the car after his meeting and pokes me in the ribs I tell him "Stop your irritating me!"
He says "really your gonna be like that?"
Me "yep"
We got home and I had to take my painkillers cause but this point I hurt (I had no idea ruptured cysts hurt so much and swelling in my tummy from it is really awful) anyway they knock me out and I sleep till dinner (SO made me chicken broccoli rice and cheese homemade even) I eat then crash again till 10 so I spent all evening sleeping. We go to bed and SO says something to me about my being upset and I call him out on all he's said he wanted with the kids vs what he's saying now and that him calling me irritating hurt my feelings. He said he didn't want me going in and taking over! I'd of never done that what the hell am I to his lawyer, his divorce, to a judge, to BM or his kids I'm a GD mistress as far as they'd be concerned! (BM has a bf is he considered a mister or gigolo or what lol)and my opinion won't mean crap so no I'd not bother saying anything and it wasn't not being allowed in it was that he said I was irritating him. In the next breath he says "how do you feel about being my kids mother?" WHAT!!!!!
Me- "I'm never going to be their mother, they have a mom, and they are your and her responsibilities not mine, I will support you, but I have my own kids to finish raising, my own responsibilities, my school and future career."
He went on about giving BM sole physical and them having joint legal and blah blah blah, only thing I said after that was "as irritating as I'm sure it is to hear it'd be pretty dumb to set up a scenario to fight over doctors, school, and religion when you'll only have your kids eowe just do whatever but I won't be in a relationship with a man at the beck and call of another woman for any reason." and I went to sleep.
I know a lot of it was petty on my part, but I'm ticked he called me irritating when he's been asking my opinion for months, and I give advice as best as I can without concern how I factor in because I really don't. I'm ticked he didn't listen when I told him those papers were never filed so now legally he can file first and have her served and ask for the most and negotiate down, and he just blew it off, I'm ticked he asked me to mother his kids (I can aunt them but I'm not ever gonna be mom I don't want to be mom)
Maybe cause I see myself as a single parent, my ex as a single parent I expect him to see it the same just because we all have SO's in our lives doesn't mean we can expect them to be the other parent.
Or maybe I still have a huge wall up I'm not willing to bring down and let myself get hurt again, self preservation can sometimes be a detriment but I still need that protection, my escape clause, my way out when plan A failed I went with plan B which helps me have my escape clause so I don't ever have to hurt again.
Sorry it was such a long rant, advice, a slap across the face to set me straight constructive criticism or a funny joke is welcome while I lay here thinking gah my tummy hurts.