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It's nice to feel like there is hope

la_dulce_vida's picture

I know a lot of people in my age bracket who are dating and their stories are disheartening. I'm not on dating apps. I'm just living my life and doing what I love, believing that if my person is out there, we will find each other eventually.

I led a hike on the Appalachian Trail this past Saturday. I met a lot of nice people, but really enjoyed talking to one guy. We had a lot in common and he mentioned that he's part of a theater group (does lighting) that is doing a play based on a book I love. I looked it up when I got home and this is the last week it's running.

So, I reached out to him for information on the meetup app. He responded with THREE messages and gave me his cell phone number. LOL He said he was available for the Friday/Saturday night shows, but could make Thursday work. I swear my message to him was not asking him to go WITH me. I incorrectly assumed he was doing the lighting for the play and would be working behind the scenes. So, that kinda caught me off guard.

He was highly communicative (I'm not used to THAT! bahahaha) and asked me when I wanted to go. I told him there were a few variables affecting that and I couldn't really decide until this morning as I was an election judge and would be locked away without any connection to the outside for the primary elections yesterday.

When I arrived home after the polls closed, I had a text asking about my day, and I responded. He then said he knew I was probably tired, but asked if I wanted to talk. We talked for 3 hours, and now I have hope that there are nice men out there. I found out:

  • 61
  • Attorney
  • 2x divorced and he was the person who filed
  • 3 adult sons - also a grandparent
  • Christian (yay!!)
  • Likes all the same activities (hiking, biking, camping, kayaking) + skiing and sailing (I don't ski)
  • Like me, wants to find his person - wants to have partner/wife to share life with
  • Strikes me as anxiously attached (like me) with a bad picker
  • Politically similar
  • Attractive
  • Lives in a nice area

He's been dating since his divorce in 2020 and has had a couple of relationships that were amicably ended due to incompatibility.

We had a great talk. He's a bit of a talker but I'll chalk it up to nerves. He asked a lot of questions that made it clear to me he was trying to see if we are compatible.

The bugaboo: he's allergic to cats. LOLOL I have two and they are only a year old.

I told him there's nothing wrong with friendship. We can enjoy each other's company and maybe we each know someone who might be a better fit for the other. Networking!!

So, we're going together to see this play on Friday night, and I'm really looking forward to the play and getting to know my new friend.

Maybe he's an a-hole. It's hard to tell when you first meet someone. Maybe he's a nice guy. It's just really nice to spend time with men and just be myself, not worrying about romance, etc.

Happy Hump Day!!



Yesterdays's picture

The dating days.. It's a nice thought to know there are actually nice, caring and attentive and good men out there. Whether you date that man or not, he seems very interesting, cultured and fun. We see so many of the rotten ones on here. I do believe there are some good ones out there who really are caring and sweet . 

la_dulce_vida's picture

I only know what he SEEMS like, right now. That's a major mindshift from how I used to think.

I can't recall ever having friendships with men where we could talk about anything like I do, right now. This guy makes TWO male friends I have, now. The other one is almost 10 years younger, cute AF, close to finalizing his divorce but he has two sons: 10 and 13. We have so much fun together and I'm attracted to him, but I know there's no future. I am too old to deal with a guy who has minor children and still has to put them through college; I want to retire in the next few years. I don't want to be with someone who isn't free to travel and do lot of fun stuff. So, I told him I'm his "older, wiser sister." LOL

I also don't 100% buy his version of his marriage ending. Something is off. Something is missing.

Anyhoo, it is nice to experience men being willing to make an effort, who are self aware, seek counseling and can talk about their feelings. It's nice to hear men talk about wanting someone to share their lives with - wanting to commit. It's freaking refreshing.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I'm all about friendship right now. Even a romantic relationship should have friendship as a solid foundation.

Besides, there are nearly 8 billion people on this planet. The more friends I have, the more connections and opportunities I have to meet my person. Smile

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

There aren't any red flags so why not.  No harm no foul.  Have fun at the show.

la_dulce_vida's picture

It's early days. There could be a lot of red flags, but I'm paying attention.

However, why even entertain a possible future with someone who is allergic to cats? My cats will be part of my life for a long time and I would NEVER expect someone to get allergy shots to make it possible. It's too much.

Now, since I'm a dazzling woman (snort) who brings a lot to the table, he may be mesmerized with my wit and beauty, and pledge his undying devotion to me, volunteering to get allergy shots so he can be my prince charming. LOLOLOL

Yeah. No.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

My DH is allergic to cats. Like you, I would never expect someone to get allergy shots. All of mine passed away before we lived together so it was never an issue. Plus, after losing my beautiful princess (others were male), it's simply not in my heart to get another kitty.

My sister is a veterinarian and is constantly trying to get me to take another cat, stating my DH can get the shots. *shok*

A few years ago, she was serious when she said she was going to leave a kitty at our house as a way to force us to adopt one. I was furious and told her if she did, she'd come home to that kitty quarantined in her bathroom. 

WalkOnBy's picture

My husband is allergic to cats, as well.  When my beloved Sheba was alive, he did not react to her at all.   With our current resident cat, he has the same unless he touches his eyes after petting her, so he learned to wash his hands if he has to touch his face LOL. 

Back in the Medusa/Beast days, she maintained that BabyVoice was allergic, in an effort to force me to get rid of Sheba.  This, despite having her own cats - lol.  When questioned about it, she said that BabyVoice wasn't allergic to THOSE cats, but every other cat on the planet.  

I reached out to a vet friend and got quite the education about cats, their dander and how folks can react to one cat but not another cat.  I didn't know that, but was happy to use that information, plus an affidavit from my vet friend, to quash Medusa/Beast's ridiculous motions in court. 

Maybe this guy is awesome AND he won't react to your cats?  

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Enjoy the show and his company. One can never have too many friends! *give_rose*

CLove's picture

Birds of a feather - flock together, so perhaps he will suck it up (allergies) for you and be your perfect person, or maybe he has a twin friend just like him with no allergies Biggrin And if its a friend like him, hopefully not joined at the hip like husbands barnical buddy. And the kids are well adjusted and accepting...ooooooo going down the rabbit hole!

la_dulce_vida's picture

I've spent only a few hours with him, ever, in person. I've talked to him on the phone for 3 hours. It's early days. Everyone paints a rosy picture of who they are.

His story, so far, checks out. But I always wonder "What would the ex wife say about the demise of their marriage."

And I would NEVER ask or expect someone with an allergy to entertain being around my cats. I completely understand. But I like the idea of us being friends because it might be a path to meeting my person. <3

CLove's picture

yeah, of course not about the allergies, just trying to lighten up, Im feeling "heavy" today. Sometimes my humor goes flat tho.

When you mentioned the previous marriages and subsequent divorces, my question was exactly "whats the other side of these stories"... because there are always other sides...

But, enjoy the fact that you can enjoy nsa...


la_dulce_vida's picture

Well, I have two marriages under my belt and my story is: "Me = good. Them = bad."

But, what would my exes say about our marriages ending? I am jaded and believe that most men lie about why their marriages failed.

However, I am fairly open.

My first marriage failed because we weren't a good match. I was only 21 and I was dysfunctional, controlling and manipulative. He was immature, condescending, controlling with money, and generally disloyal with cutting me down and humiliating me in front of people and behind my back. He's not a bad person, but ill suited for me.

2nd marriage - poor choice on my part. I ignored red flags and was vulnerable to an abusive man. I do think I did my best under the circumstances. I was a good partner and wife, but I was naive and weak in the face of narcissitic abuse.

I contributed to the problems in my first marriage. I do hold myself mostly blameless in the 2nd marriage.

Rags's picture

I know I had some ownership in the failure of my first marriage. However, the serial adultery of my XW burries that to the point that I cannot clearly recognize or articulate what I contributed to the demise of the marriage.

I suppose, if anything, I was far too tolerant and supportive when I should have recognized that she was failing miserbly in abiding by my vaunted standards of behavior and standards of performance.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

It could also be the path to someone you know being his love interest. Before my DH, I met a guy through a dating app, we met for dinner. He had so much in common with a friend of mine, I spent half the time saying "my friend D likes that, too!". We got along well but there was no attraction. I asked him to a happy hour to meet D. They got married the following year. So you never know!

la_dulce_vida's picture

That's what I said to him last night. He has a large friend group and so do I. I told him maybe his person is in my friend group or mine is in his!! LOL

thinkthrice's picture

I won't even rent to an attorney or anybody in the legal profession.  They are not a protected class but might as well be.  JMO.

la_dulce_vida's picture

He works for the government. He used to work in the private sector, but has been with the government for a while. I don't get the "slimy attorney" vibe from him. He's not a trial or family law attorney, in other words.

Lillywy00's picture

I definitely wouldn't marry one .... just imagine all the loopholes they can use against their former spouse during a divorce proceeding to manipulate the coparenting situation or heck even before a marriage through a one-sided prenup or 

If not this scenario then the ones here are on hard drugs but it's overlooked 

la_dulce_vida's picture

The only other attorney I really knew was my former brother in law. He wasn't smarmy. He did contract law for construction companies and did have to appear in court. He was not into hard drugs. He's a family man. Not the best social skills as he tends to be reclusive, but he wasn't a creep. My divorce attorney did have a bit of a smarmy god complex vibe and he did cheat on his wife. But, my current family attorney is a lovely woman who seems really down to earth.

I don't think they are all bad. I've also checked our state's court records and he didn't represent himself in his divorces, and he's not a family law attorney so I'm not sure he would be well versed in how to screw over an ex, but he would probably have knowledge of the best cut throat attorneys in the biz. I think his background was in land trust type of law.

He met up with my friend and I on a bike ride last night. She's a little older than him but has NO CATS. She's one of my dear friends and they had a great time talking. He'll meet another one of my close friends tonight. She and her new boyfriend are joining us for the play. He's also invited a couple that he knows, so that's fun! I'm going to his house and we'll drive down to the play together.

He lives in a very nice old neighborhood. The house is not large and ostentatious. It's a lovely old cape cod that's been updated and has a nice sunroom added. It's on a little hill and has a gorgeous water view. It's the location and the water view that shows he's done well for himself, financially. The neighborhood is a much coveted place to live in Maryland, so kudos for him. The problem is that he might attract a lot of women who are gold diggers, with a house like that.

I try to keep the fact that I own two houses and have a well provisioned retirement account on the down low. I don't need to attract any parasites looking for "a nurse and a purse." LOL

I have a feeling he's invited me over to show off this little gem. That's all well and good, but I don't give a fig what's in your bank account and what your house is worth; I'm not about making a profit off of a relationship. I care about "have you sufficiently prepared for your own retirement?" cuz what I have saved is for ME to live off of.

And since he's allergic to cats and we've agreed to be friends, it's not like seeing his house is going to make me consider getting rid of my cats. Nope.

I care more about character, communication, consistency and empathy. With the right man, living a pauper's life would still be a joy.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Anxiously awaiting your next installment.

So glad he has the same values, thats a biggie.

Best of luck hun. I will live vicariously through you.


la_dulce_vida's picture

Y'all are so funny.

We can only ever be friends due to the cats. So, if there is an installment, it will be about how maybe I introduced him to someone and they lived happily ever after. Wink

For me, the triumph is in quickly recognizing why it won't work and instead of trying to force things, I'm accepting them as they are. I'm all about acceptance right now. I accept that my XBF didn't want me like I wanted him. I accept that this nice man is not an option due to his allergy to cats. I accept that I love my cats and they will be in my life for the next 15-20 years, God willing. I accept that I can have nice male friends without jumping into a romantic relationship, yada yada.

ESMOD's picture


I vote for getting to know him.  I know the cat allergy is a potential issue for him and for you... but at this point.. I don't think you want to throw away the potential to meet and spend time with someone that might be a good match.. even if that match is only as a friend.

Personally my take on the cat issue is this. 

First... unless he has already told you... you don't know whether his allergy is severe or mild..  maybe it's not as "life altering" as you may think it could be for him.

Second, since it is his health.. it's really his option as to how he deals with this.. and for him.. it might mean that he WANTS to take the shots because being in a relationship with you is that important.  (if that's his doctor's remedy)...

Third,  Maybe there are compromises on both parts that would work?  Maybe if his allergy is not very severe.. keeping the cats out of some areas of your home might work.. like the bedroom.. and your sitting room (where ever you hang out to watch tv.. and maybe a den/office for him.. with good hepa filters in the home etc? 

Ultimately, I don't think this is necessarily something that has to be worked out on your first meetup.. making the grand statement of ... "hey.. I'm never going to get rid of my cats.. do you want to proceed to dating?".. As you get to know him.. and he knows you.. he will learn .. you have cats..and they are young.. and you would not be inclined to rehome them.. you will learn the extent of his allergies.. and if HE is willing to keep going knowing that he might have to take shots.

It's not YOU making him take the shots.. but it could be a solution... along with some segregation of space in your home potentially. 

la_dulce_vida's picture

As soon as he learned I had cats, he said it was a deal breaker. I said, "That's okay. We can still be friends."

It was HIS decision. I respect it.