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2.5 Months - staying the course

la_dulce_vida's picture

Happy Thursday, friends.

Big news for DD30. She finally met her boyfriend's parents and it couldn't have gone better. Her company builds batteries for missiles and the BF's mother asked her "Is that bad for the babies?" LOLOL If that's not an endorsement, I don't know what is. DD30 has been given the greenlight to visit the parent's house anytime, but only the first floor! LMFAO. And BF's dad is coming to our house Sunday to install a Tesla charger at cost. They have really welcomed her with open arms. Both DD30 and BF are very relieved.

The other good news is that DD30's BF finally had an offer accepted on the house he wants. He's been searching for the last couple of months and has been outbid every single time. This time, he overbid and accepted the seller's conditions to let them live in the house for 2 months after closing (get this) FREE OF CHARGE. No rent back. Apparently the housing market in NOVA (Northern VA) is so competetive, this is now common. Ugh!

I was worried DD30 would want to move in with him, but her BF is buying the house with his brother and brother's wife. DD30, who is WAY smarter than her momma, wants to see how BF27 handles homeownership before she agrees to live with him. She said she wants to see how he handles the financial stress and maintenance because he's only ever lived with his parents and his mother does everything for him. They are talking of a future, marriage and a family, so she's taking the time to make sure he can handle adulting. She's lived on her since going to college and ever since. So, it looks like I'll have her with me for about a year.

As for me, I'm struggling. I'm busy. I'm happy, but nearly 3 weeks ago I ran out of my ADD meds. I'm between primary care doctors. Despite getting ample notice my dr. was leaving the group covered by my insurance, I dawdled and got another dr. to send it in. Because it's a new Rx, it took over 2 weeks to process it. It should arrive today, but my mind has been chaotic for the last 2 weeks. I've struggled to focus at work and I'm supposed to be studying for a certification exam. I CANNOT wait until I'm back on my meds. I've never been without them this long for the last 23 years.

I don't have to repeat it, it's as true as ever - I'm busy. But, I'm still grieving. I've got people trying to nudge me into dating. I'm not interested. There's a nice guy in my meetup group. Big time hiker. Does a lot of solo camping/hiking. That's appealing, but the other night at an event, he decided to announce that he has been married and will never marry again. It was in the context of the group discussion, but it just smacked of bitterness. I have no desire to be married for the sake of marriage. But I am open to meeting my person. Someone who loves me and wants to build a life with me. I'm not going to introduce someone into my life while I'm actively grieving my last relationship and/or healing. I do NOT want to spend my time with any man who is bitter or still obsessed about a previous relationship.

I've been done dirty in relationships and yet I still hold out hope that love may find its way to me in the future. I guarded, but not bitter. I'm meeting plenty of single men. Meh. I will not be making the effort with "boys" any longer. If someone is interested, I might consider it. But I still think it's unethical to date when you're still in love with someone else.

I'll close with confessing that I've missed XBF a great deal the last two weeks. I haven't cried as much, but it's made me weepy. My therapist says it's all part of the process. Today, she was trying to convince me I should look for companionship. I told her that I will not go on dating sites looking for a "companion." I have all the companions a person could ever want and I have a few new male friends. The one guy who is 9 years younger than me is a great friend and wants to do fun stuff together. I'm fine with that, but I am not going to post a personal's ad seeking a male companion.

I don't need a companion or a roommate in a man. I want to stay open to meeting someone organically who is interested in me and makes the effort. I want a life partner - someone who cares about my heart and my feelings. Someone who is secure enough to communicate and resolve conflict in a healthy way. Someone who wants to build a life with me. I may go my whole life and not meet this person, but it's much better than loving someone who doesn't love you back and won't/can't choose you.

Finally, Monday would have been my 36th wedding anniversary if my XH1 and I had stayed married. I texted him to wish him a happy FORMER anniversary. I told him it was a great day that brought 3 great kids. He said it was his happiest day only followed by having our 3 awesome kids. It was really sweet. I'm so glad we're able to be kind. It's been almost 10 years since we divorced and if DD30 and her BF keep progressing, there may be a wedding and grandkids that will put us in each other's paths. I would much rather be on good terms with XH1 for the sake of everyone involved.

Thanks for reading!! ((hugs))


Rags's picture

You, are an optimist at your core.  That is an increasing rare blessing.

I completely agree with your goal to meet someone organically.  All of my relationships were initiated pre-online dating or even dating service.

You are actively engaging in life, clubs, etc. That is a good start.  I would suggest that you consider auditing some courses at a local college.  Select classes that will tend to attract cerebral mature adult students.  Though it was not my goal, that is how I met my DW.  My goal was the completion of my BS.  I happened to meet the person I make a life with during the last semester of that very loooooooonnnnnnngg journey.  I was in class every  semester for 11 years.  DW and our marriage was the graduation gift that came with my receipt (degree).

Pick classes that interest  you, and talk with an advisor on the types of classes that will vector contact with organic relationship opportunities.  Using words like "my preference would be to minimize distractions from kids who are not interested in being serious students.  Which courses tend to appeal to adults or SOTA (Students Older Than Average) students?  I spent about half of my undergrad career as a SOTA.  When I was first branded with that label, I was a bit offended.  But I was not yet in my mid 20s when I transferred to that University.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I have a master's degree, so I'm burnt out from college. Besides, a lot of courses are online these days. I appreciate the suggestion, but I'm knee deep in single men with my current pursuits. I'm not looking primarly for smarts. The last two men I've loved have been incredibly intelligent, but look where that got me. Primarly, I want to meet someone who is active, so that's where my focus will be - staying active. There is no rush. I'm not ready to date. I just want to do fun stuff.

Stepdrama2020's picture

You are trusting the process with such positivity and grace. You have sucha  good understanding of yourself. I admire that.

Everything you are going through is expected.

Surely with your inside and ourter beauty and your positive energy will attract the perfect guy at the right time.

Love these beauty updates.


CLove's picture

Love the updates. Biggrin

ESMOD's picture

Great update.. and good for you for sticking to your guns on what you want.  Who knows.. maybe one day a companion willl be what you DO  want.. but if you want a true partnership.. hold out.

la_dulce_vida's picture

I have companions out the wazoo. I'm good on the companionship front.

I want the whole enchilada. My daughter has it. Her boyfriend adores her and is so in tune with her. I see other people with partners who are the same. They have partners who are actively learning how to love them and show up for them.

I can wait for it and would rather live the rest of my life single than pair up with another person who can't be arsed to love me properly.

Rags's picture

I can't wait for you to find it!!!

Have fun with the journey.  

I did.

For me, when I least expected it, it found me.  3+ years after I escaped.  I was ready. Not looking, but ready.  I had done the work, invested in me.

Then.... BOOM! 30  years later, I am beyond blessed and happy.  Every time we see each other it is like the first time.  Truly amazing.

Kiss 3

Lillywy00's picture

Glad to hear you all are doing well .... and your daughter is wise about seeing how her bf handles homeownership before moving in together 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You are so wise to ignore your therapist and your friends who are urging you to find a companion - what terrible advice! So glad you are listening to yourself instead. Hard experience tells me you need to be on your own for months, to completely get over a long relationship. You seem to be doing everything right. You will get through the hard days, just hang in there.