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Update: SD14 possibly moving in with BM

ksmom14's picture

DH called BM yesterday to try to discuss with her SD14 dropping out of the specialized high school. As expected from what we've heard, BM is open to the possibility of SD14 dropping out of the specialized HS, but is totally against SD14 going to our town HS. BM thinks that if she drops out, she needs to move in with BM and go to BM town HS.

BM proceeded to tell DH that SD14 wants to live with BM anyways, that SD14 tells BM every day that she wants to live with her. Also that SD14 is terrified of DH, that he yells at her all the time and she's afraid to tell him that she wants to live with BM. DH starts to believe her and says he'll talk to SD14 and go from there. BM basically wanted DH to say that he would let SD14 live with BM "if that's what she wanted" which he wouldn't do, just that it would be a discussion. BM then threw in his face that "in a court of law SD14 can decide now" which DH corrected her to explain that she is old enough to be HEARD by the judge, but not that she gets to just decide. BM told him "well I know that's how it would work out, because I just talked to so and so and that's how theirs worked". 

DH goes to talk to SD14, is very calm and just asks her to be honest and let him know what's going on. Tells her "BM told me XYZ that you've said to her". Well SD14 looks at him totally dumbfounded and is all "I never said any of that, I want to go to our town HS". Mind you, I truly don't think SD14 said she was terrified of DH (her wanting to live with BM, that may be plausible, but not that she's terrified of DH) she's talked to him about a lot of other "high controversy" things just fine. 

So it came down to DH and SD14 calling BM on speaker phone to sort it all out. SD14 told BM she never said the things BM is claiming she said and that it was BM that kept bringing up SD14 living with her, not SD14. SD14 let her know that her first option that she wants is to go to our town HS, but if her ONLY choices are between the specialized HS she's in now and moving to BM's to go to BM town HS, then she would pick BM town HS because she wants out of specialized HS so badly. So then BM told SD14 that she doesn't get to just make those decisions on where she goes, and DH actually called her out and said "well actually you just told me that apparently she does". So basically BM got called out on her pathological lying BS right in front of SD14. I know it's not ideal, but given the situation DH really needed to know what SD14's feelings where on everything, he couldn't trust BM's word, and he knew that if he just told BM that SD didn't really want to live with her she'd twist it around that he was lying (which she still probably will). BM really needed to hear it from SD14 that she wants to stay in our town. BM even at one point said "I don't know what DH told you before this phone call to make you say these things" and SD14 stopped her right away on her own and said "DH didn't tell me anything"

So it looks like DH will be allowing SD14 to drop out of the specialized HS, it's just a matter of when assuming she's still miserable there at that time. I'm sure it will be a battle to get BM to back down about her not wanting SD14 to go to our town HS tho. 

Through the years I've learned what DH has always told me, that BM is a pathological liar, and it's so bad that she actually convinces herself that her lies are the reality so that it's impossible to get her to see the light. You can't win a fight with someone like that!


futurobrillante99's picture

Can DH find out what about the specialized school is making SD unhappy and see if there isn't a remedy?

I don't think it's the end of the world if SD goes to the local high school, but doing it only to see her friends is not smart because girls are catty and her whole girl pack might fall apart at some point.


ksmom14's picture

Yes I agree with you, especially since SD14 has always been a "grass is greener on the other side" type of person. She always thinks she's got the short end of the stick, but then isn't happy once she's in what she thought would be "better" either. 

However, her main complaint about this specialized HS is the work load, which I can't disagree with, I mean she's getting a HS diploma as well as an assocaites degree, so it is a lot of work. SD also is one of those people that if she doesn't understand/excel something she's being taught she just feels stupid and gives up trying instead of working a bit harder to figure it out, or asking for help.

Also, she's had a lot of emotional, depression type stuff going on, and she seems to think it's all about this specialized HS and that's why she's unhappy in general. So it's all a big mess 

tog redux's picture

Who has custody? What does the CO say?  Who gets educational decision making? Is it joint?

ksmom14's picture

There is not a court order, they never went to court, did everything themselves and just filed it.

Originally in their divorce custody was shown as 50/50, however there is a signed contract between the two of them that was filed that states that DH is the custodial parent now and BM gets visitation.