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SD14 and the pants dilemma

ksmom14's picture

Before school started, so mid August, I took SD14 and SD16 shopping for clothes. SD16 picked out one pair of pants and 2 shirts, I tried to get her to get more, even offered to take her to a different place, but she said no. SD14 who is very self conscious about how thin she is found 5 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, and a sweatshirt. SD14 wore these clothes MAYBE 4 times each, and has since not worn the pants or sweatshirt. She started wearing only leggings which I assume came from BM's house. 

So I've kept my mouth shut about her not wearing her clothes, she picked them out we bought them, and if she doesn't want to wear them that's on her,they are available to her. She has not asked us to buy more/ different stuff so I've been able to let it go, even though it drives me insane how wasteful it is. 

SD14 started texting BM yesterday that she wants BM to take her shopping to buy new pants (telling her the ones she has don't fit), and that SD14 will pay for the pants. She asked BM to take her because BM lives close to the big city that has more clothing options compared to the small town we live in that's an hour away. BM then started harassing DH about SD14 buying pants here's the jist of the convo...

BM - SD14 wants me to take her to buy pants, she says she'll pay for them herself, I don't mind taking her but she should not be using her own money

DH - I've already talked to her about this, if you can take her that's great, I've told her I'd reimburse her up to a certain amount

BM - I will take her and pay for them and will just deduct it out of the CS I send you

DH - no, that's not your choice, I've worked out the finances with her

BM - I'm not going to let her pay for her own clothes, I send you thousands in CS every year, it's ridiculous that she doesn't have clothes that fit her

DH - never mind, this is non of your business anyways, I will take her when I can

BM - that CS is for food and clothes, I know you don't spend 700 a month on those 


Ughh the whole thing is just stupid. Does she really thing CS is just for food and clothes? What about their cell phones that we pay for, school supplies, back packs, shoes, jackets, etc. she just loves to fight. I wouldn't be surprised if she either A. refused to take SD14 shopping then told her that DH won't allow her to or B. takes her shopping and actually does deduct it from CS even when DH told her not to.

ETA - I will say that SD14 has NOT grown in the past 4 months, she simply does not like the pants she picked out anymore so is claiming they "don't fit" she says they're too tight, which they aren't, not to mention the fact that she wants to wear LEGGINGS which are tighter than any regular pant/jean


Siemprematahari's picture

This could have all been shut down had your H told BM that SD has clothes that do fit but she chooses to not wear them....that's it end of story. Why is SD lying to mom about the clothes that were purchased for her? After that being said he shouldn't entertain anything else, much less telling him how to spend the CS.

ksmom14's picture

yup, he eventually did. After the above conversation he replied with "stop harassing me with your lies, I'm done with this conversation" she replied back "what lies" and he just never responded

lieutenant_dad's picture

That's not ending the conversation, that's giving BM something to chew on and ponder over.

Honestly, I kinda have to agree with BM on this one. I get pissed when BM tells DH the boys need more clothes after DH as paid her CS. My DH would lose his mind, too, if his kids came to them and said they needed pants but had to spend their own money on them because BM said so.

The first text back to BM should have been "SD has clothes that fit but she wants different clothes, so she will need to use her own money for them." If she went on about CS, he should have said "then I will pursue all CS going through CSB and will expect this to be added as back pay for CS". Then ended the discussion.

THEN I'd put my foot up SD14's rear end and let her know that the offer to help pay for new clothes is off the table and she WILL use her own money to purchase clothes since she lied to BM.

Your DH needs to learn to be direct with BM and say much less to her.

ESMOD's picture

she is either not lying.. and the clothes really don't fit her well (changed shape in the wash.. and perhaps she has grown a touch that isn't super noticable).. or she is lying because she wants new pants.. 

ksmom14's picture

I've done the shopping with them for years now, I was better able to help them pick out stuff they liked and was appropriate, I got to do a bit of shopping, as well as I could help with things like first bras etc. without it being super weird.

The last few trips have been rough, and I have already told DH I'm done shopping with them, it's all on him now because I no longer enjoy it.

ksmom14's picture

Well she didn't, because until the last year or so she hasn't had any interest in being more than a bare minimum parent, and it needed to be done, so I did it. She's become very argumemtative and controlling about situations now, which is annoying as hell considering she didn't give a sh!t about this kind of stuff for over 5 years. She used to send the kids to school in high water pants, no jackets in winter, and no lunches, but now she wants to pretend she's MOTY

ESMOD's picture

Has your DH brought out the pants and asked her to try them all on?  Sometimes the clothes will shrink up in the wash.. while she may not have grown much or at all.. the clothes could not fit anyway.

I know we generally go on about how when you send CS to the CP that you shouldn't have to buy extra things  for the CP home.  Yes.. 700 doesn't cover everything perhaps.. but your DH is also responsible for costs for her on top of that (which I'm sure he is paying.. just pointing it out that his outlay should probably match his Exes in financial outlay.. or "in kind").

It also may be that the style of those pants are not "in" with her peers.  My mom wouldn't let us buy a lot at one time before school because she wanted us to have a chance to tailor our choices a bit.. and not go all in on things when we might decide that style is no longer what we prefer.

BTW.. there is also a difference between "comfy leggings" and tight pants which have a more restrictive feel and can be uncomfortable.  There is also a chance SD bought clothes that were too small to begin with.

I think your DH needs to see whether what she have truly is too small..and then perhaps he can spring for a couple of new pair if it turns out that they are not fitting well.  If they fit "just fine".. it can be his choice to either allow her to buy some more with her own money... or he can maybe buy her a couple pair as a Xmas gift.

I would try to take BM out of the equation to the extent he can.

Harry's picture

The ones the cool kids wear.  She wants to go shopping with BM. Who will not care what she looks like.  
Disengage , let DH go shopping with her, let him parent his kids 

ksmom14's picture

I literally let her buy every pair of pants she picked out that she liked and was happy with. She asked BM because she knew DH and I would be frustrated that she's not wearing the pants we bought.

She was happy with them when we got them, and now isn't, this has happened before with her, and we've already told her that we're not going to keep buying clothes just because she all of a sudden decides she doesn't like them anymore. She picks out her clothes so it's not our problem if she changes her mind over night. She knows this, which is why she went to BM not DH and I.

tog redux's picture

I don't know why DH even entertained that conversation with BM. She doesn't get to tell him what to buy for the kids. BM should have directed SD back to DH to get more clothes, since SD was just manipulating. 

advice.only2's picture

DH should have told BM up front that SD has clothes and is choosing not to wear them.

also for SD I would have her try the pants on and show you were they aren't fitting...she might have grown some and nobody noticed.

leggigs do hug the skin closer but have a lot more give than jeans.  Most girls/teens/women prefer them over jeans.

I understand it's frustrating but kids grow and sometimes it's not always immediately noticeable.  My BD is 13 and in this year alone she has been up a size then down a size then up two sizes.  

Cover1W's picture

We went through this with both SDs.  I think it's partially a power-play.  Nothing at dad's house is as good as BM's.  We have bought clothes they themselves pick out then refuse to wear.  Or they refuse to go shopping or pick out clothes/shoes at all.  It was a struggle getting SD13(stb14) into a new pair of shoes even though her only pair was literally falling apart - she refuses to own more than one pair at a time.  Absolutely refuses.

I gave up helping with SD13's clothes last year, but for the shoes. I helped her buy 3 new pairs of leggings (she's just now starting to wear jeggings at least - but real pants/jeans are a hard no) last year. She's a normal size 10/12. She refused to wear them because they were "too big." After checking the fit, having her put on her size 8s, I explained to her that 10/12 IS the correct size as leggings are not meant to dig into your waist, reach mid-calf (if full length) and stretch so much they start to tear at the knees.  She has not worn those 10/12s in a year.  Her choice.  She never, ever asks us for clothes even though both DH and I make it clear she can, and even needs to do so.  And she's so very picky we cannot buy them for her.

I think you should just let this one go.  If she runs out of pants whe WANTS to wear, so be it.  If she needs new ones, and can explain why she doesn't want to wear the ones she picked out, THEN your DH can help.  But jeez, even I at that age (and a picky clothing kid), knew when and how to ask my parents for new clothes.

ksmom14's picture

I'm more irritated at BM in this situation than SD. SD is actually being pretty reasonable, she knows she has clothes that we bought her and she's just not happy with them anymore so she wants to buy herself more clothes. BM lives closer to the stores she wants to go to so she asks BM. BM is just making this a ridiculous argument.

Also, SD has a very skewed veiw of what fits and what doesn't. The past few years all she wants is skilly jeans, which is fine, however she's very very thin and it's always a struggle to find pants that fit her. Over the years we have found pants that fit almost perfectly, except not being skin tight from mid calf down to the ankle, I'm talking you could probably fit a flat hand in the "baggy" area but other than that they're very tight fitting. She WOULD not wear any like that, they had to be skin tight ALL THE WAY DOWN. 

I say this just to express that I can tell y'all without even having her try on the pants that they fit just fine, she has just found some way that she's not happy with how they fit now that she used to like. She's just extremely picky.

SusieCue's picture

My SD15 did this with shirts and jackets this year. She was taken school clothes shopping, picked out the items and tried them on, and was happy with what she chose... Until school started and she realized that she could get attention by showing off her boobs. The shirts she had originally chosen were not low-cut but were cropped because she wears high-waisted jeans. So she started wearing a very tight fitting zip-up sweatshirt and just a bra underneath--she'd then unzip the sweatshirt low enough to show cleavage, sometimes down to her belly button area. We caught her doing this and told her absolutely not, you need to wear a damn shirt. She then claimed that she had NO SHIRTS! The horror! Until I pointed out that she does have shirts, they just don't show cleavage. 

She also has a very warm winter jacket that she refuses to wear, either because a hoe don't get cold (sorry, it's petty I know but I think that saying is hilarious) or because it's a WINTER coat and therefore not low-cut and tight fitting. She's been hounding me for weeks to take her to buy a different jacket but the one she has is expensive, warm, in great condition and fits her. So she can wear that one.

Chmmy's picture

Im still flabbergasted that you get 700/mo from bm. We get 200. CS is also for housing as well as food clothes & toiletries etc. School clothes & supplies, med expenses and activities should be split in half so unless BM wants to fork over her half of the many other expenses incurred in addition to CS she should keep her nose out of your biznass.

ksmom14's picture

Yes it's 700, but it's much lower than what it should be. There are 3 skids, and DH and BM agreed to the 700, even though accordng to the state calculator it should be closer to $1,000

Chmmy's picture

We also have 3 skids plus 1 in college. We also should be getting much more since she got a new job but DH doesn't want to rock the boat of course he'd rather BM be happy than anyone else. Shes got that golden uterus 

2nd wives club's picture

My DD does this too. I'll buy her cute jeans and tops beginning of the school year, and she'll wear them maybe once. And proceeds to wear the same old outfits week after week (t-shirt with her go-to leggings or jeans). 

X doesn't buy kids any clothes. He waits for me to, keeps the clothes I bought for them, then sends them home wearing flood pants and raggedy worn out crap. That shit gets old. Clothes is a sore subject around here. Who would've thought that it could create such drama!