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SD14 possibly moving in with BM

ksmom14's picture

DH has primary custody, skids go to BM's every other weekend Thursday evening to Monday morning. Well at least SD16 and SD14 do, SS17 has a job in our town so he only goes to BM's every other Thursday night and is back Friday.

SD14 followed SD16's footsteps to apply for, and get accepted to a specialized high school in our district. It's a challenging program that when completed leaves them with their high school diploma as well as an associates degree, with literally ZERO cost.

SD14 is a freshman and has been in school for 14 weeks now but has been asking us for over a month to drop out and go to the regular high school with SS17. Obviously me, DH, and BM want her to stay in this specialized high school because it does so much more for her, but everyone is trying to figure out what's best. I think DH is just at the point now of letting her go to the regular high school.

BM has stated that she does not want SD14 to go to the high school in our town (it's not a very highly rated school), and if she does drop out of the specialized high school BM wants SD14 to move in with her and go to the high school in her town because it's a well rated school.

While I can't argue that BM's town HS is better than our town HS, but I don't know that having SD16 and SD14 living in seperate houses is a good idea. SD16 and SD14 are literally best friends, SD14 actually sleeps on the floor in SD16's bedroom every weekend still. A move to BM's house would mean they would barely see each other. We don't expect momumental things from SD14, so I don't see a real need for her to make such a big life change for a better school that probably won't get her any place better than she could get at our town HS.

Also, when BM and DH split, BM moved an hour away. Their custody was supposed to be 50/50 but she wasn't able to manage the skids schedule living that far away which is why it is what it is now. DH made it a point that BM knew her moving that far away was her choice and he was not going to be helping with driving simply because she wanted to live an hour away. So far BM does all the driving, picks the kids up Thursday after school from our house, and drops them back at school Monday mornings. 

The only reason I mention that is to say that if DH wanted to have a normal every other weekend schedule with SD14 if she moved in with BM, I'm sure he'd have to do the driving. DH actually already stated that he wouldn't be doing that, and he'd probably only see her every once in a while. He even said that he would shut her cell phone off and BM would have to be responsible for it then, since we've been carrying that load for all 3 skids. 

I'm just wondering what peoples thoughts are on splitting up siblings who are super close. I just don't think it's a good solution...If you've read some of my recent blogs you know SD14 recently started counseling because she's been unahppy (also hence the want to drop out of the specialized high school) so not only would she be losing her best friend, but she'd also be losing her current counselor...not to mention one of the reasons SD14 states she wants to go to the regular high school is because she has closer friends there. So if she moved she'd be starting completely over, not knowing anyone, and she's already super awkward and shy.

ETA: I'm really just wondering if it seems reasonable, assuming SD14 drops out of the specialized high school, for her to move in with BM simply for a higher rated HS, when I don't think it's going to have any impact on the trajectory of her life. It doesn't seem to make sense to me to leave everything she has in our town behind just for a higher rated HS...


tog redux's picture

This is between BM and DH, really - I get that you have an opinion, but they need to decide. I do think it's sad that he won't drive an hour every other weekend to get his kid. Is he upset that BM wants custody? 

And BM should be helping with some of their expenses now, quite frankly, so making her pay the phone is fine. But not out of anger at SD, which is what it sounds like is going on. 

ksmom14's picture

I agree it's kind of sucky that he doesn't seem willing to make the drive....I think for him it's like if she leaves he's kind of "washing his hands" of the "parenting"

BM has in the past been quite absent. DH has done all the school registration, grade checking, driving lessons, dr appointments, dentist, orthodontist, cell phones, school supplies, clothes/shoes/jacket shopping. All BM has done is show up for her weekends, and many times in the past has passed off the skids onto someone else. 

I think DH is thinking, well if she wants to take SD14, then she is going to have to be the primary parent and step up for once so he wants to just push everything onto her.

ksmom14's picture

Yea, DH can be pretty petty. Even with his own mother, if she asks him to help her with something it's never just an ok. It's an ok, but since I'm helping you can you come babysit DDs for us?

Which is all fine and great, she babysits for us regularly, I just think it's crappy to tie strings to helping out your own mother.

MurphysLaw's picture

I think they (BD&BM) should make her finish this school year where she is at. It's a good lesson on "Finish What You Started", at the end of the year she may have made some new friends &etc., if she still wants to leave the program...okay 

ksmom14's picture

That's exactly what my opinion was, and I beleive what BM suggested as well.

Guess we'll see how it plays out, obivously not my decision, I just threw in my 2 cents.

notarelative's picture

Yes, this specialized high school is a great one, but if it's not a good fit for SD, it's not a good fit. Not going to this school is not going to ruin her life.

Has anyone explained to SD that going to regular high school means the school in BM's town and what her schedule would look like? 


ksmom14's picture

No, we haven't gotten to the point of discussing what a move to BM's would mean.

That's kind of the main point of my post...assuming SD drops out of this program, does it make sense for her to move in with BM for a higher rated HS? With all that she'd be leaving behind in our town, for a HS that I don't think would really change the trajectory of her life, it doesn't seem to be worth it to me...

fourbrats's picture

at all really. My girls still at home attend (or attended for the youngest) the top rated high school in our area. They both hate it. The Senior now does an independent study program at the main high school with a technical program in the afternoons and the youngest just started homeschooling. They would have enjoyed one of the lesser ranked high schools with a more diverse population and more funding going towards programs beyond sports and popularity contests. Higher ranked does not mean a better education. It usually means a wealthier area with the same or more issues to other schools. 

High school is just high school. As long as they are getting the courses required to graduate in your state and any services they need they will be fine. Moving her entire life will be more of an issue. 

futurobrillante99's picture

I think having her move to BM's to attend the school there sounds like a POOR idea. If it's better for SD to stay at your house, her father should find out what the problem is for SD at her current school and do whatever he can to help improve her situation without moving her back to BM's.

I don't think children know what's best for them. In this case, the adults should decide.

justmakingthebest's picture

I would not let her move to a regular high school. The fact that she will have an associates degree out the door is HUGE. Even if she doesn't want to go to college beyond that, fine, but she is far better off than the average high schooler. Our jobs as parents is to give our kids opportunities to better themselves. You are doing the right things for her, whether she likes it or not. 

There is a reason that teenagers aren't allowed to make adult choices. Their brains can't see past Friday night.

As for splitting up the sisters, it is unlikely that a judge would rule it. Both parents would have to agree. IMHO though, this is just a way for BM to stop paying CS. It obviously isn't in the best interest of the child.  

ksmom14's picture

I honestly feel like it's just going to come down to which regular high school she goes to. I don't think DH is going to make her stick it out in the specialized school. He's already talked about letting her drop out over the Christmas break.

DH and BM do not have a court order, evey agreement they have has just been between the two of them, although they have written up what their agreement is and filed it with the county, just never gone to court. 

I just don't think a better rated high school is worth taking SD14 away from her best fried (SD16), all her friends she knows, and her counselor when she's already struggling with emotional stuff. 

fakemommy's picture

I'm confused why the HS is good enough for SS but not SD. 

To answer you direct question, I don't think splitting siblings would be the worst ever. It would probably help SD14 become more independent. Does she want to move to BM's?

ksmom14's picture

That's a good point, although SS17 is already a senior so it would be kind of pointless to have him switch now.

I actually think SD14 would become less independent if she went with BM, as BM babies them all and hand holds them. Still helps them and walks them through school projects even though they're teenagers.

She hasn't directly said that she wants to go to BMs, although I honestly don't think she would because she's afraid to hurt DH's feelings. But she just keeps saying that she wants to go to our town HS, she never says our town or BM town HS, only brings up our town HS. 

ndc's picture

Is the high school near BM highly rated because it's truly superior, or is it highly rated because it's in an affluent area with kids who won the genetic lottery and/or have pushier parents and private tutors and therefor get higher standardized test scores?  I'd have DH make sure of that before decisions were made.

ksmom14's picture

It's absolutely a more affluent area, a suburb of a big city, while our town is a smaller country town about an hour outside the big city with more of an underprivileged population 

fourbrats's picture

my kids attend or attended a similar school as to the one in BM's area. 

The best worst story from my older daughter was the time she walked in on a cheerleader and a football player doing drugs and having sex in the restroom. She politely excused herself lol! And when she reported it nothing happened because admin wouldn't want to upset the parent boosters. On the other hand my younger daughter (now homeschooled) was blamed for being bullied by the same admin because doesn't fit in and her and her group of friends were punished for "making quesadillas without permission." On an electric quesadilla maker....because the cafeteria regularly runs out of food for the under classmen. Only my kid would get detention for unauthorized food preparation.