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Actually considering divorce - help!

ksmom14's picture

I can't beleive I actually typed it out...the couple beers probably helped...

DH and I have been struggling lately, for about 10 months I'd guess.

DH is  not a bad person, but I've been feeling that he just does not treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I feel like I do so much for him and yet he just asks for more, and more, and more.

Our main issue is our sex life, DH has an insanely high sex drive and I have a average/above average drive. This is honestly our only fight that continusouly comes up. About a month ago during a talk I asked him what he felt was a reasonable # of times per week for sex that he could handle, and he said 5. I told him I could do that, my drive isn't needing 5x a week, but I could give that because I know it's less than what he really wants. But the 2 days a week I say no, he's crabby and cranky towards me that evening, then the next morning asks for sex as soon as we wake up. Even if our toddlers are awake! If I say no because our toddlers are awake, I have to deal with the cranky moodiness for even longer, until he either snaps out of it, or he gets sex. 

Not only that, but it's the content. DH was married to a very "vanilla" in the bedroom woman for 20 years before me, and I think that has contributed to him wanting to do a bit more wild/crazy things. I'm okay with spicing things up, but I've honestly starting to feel like he doesn't want to have sex with just me, he wants to have sex with some wild fantasy he's come up with in his head that he wants me to talk to him about, while he actually has sex with me. When I've brought this up as bothering me before he always says "but the fantasies are always about you", and yes while they are, it's always in some context of something I"m not or wouldn't actually do! So how is that really me?!?! 

There's so much more, I just don't know how to spill it out....I'm so lost. 

DH is on a trip right now for a week with his family (I actually encrougaed it). I wanted to use this time of him away to see what single parenting would be like...what married woman actually does that....looks forward to her husband being away because she wants to test out the waters of divorce?

I don't know that anyone can really help me with this, I just don't have anyone to talk to and it just feels good to get it off my chest.





lieutenant_dad's picture

This makes me really sad to hear because I've always thought you two had found a good balance.

I have no real advice other than to recommend finding a counselor with specialty in sexual health/sex therapy. There may be multiple issues going on, but if that is the one bothering you most, then start there IF you want to try and save this.

He needs to know in no uncertain terms that using sex as a manipulation tactic is toxic at best and abusive at worst. It's one thing to get into ruts or express displeasure in your sex life. It's not okay to use it to say "give it up or I'll be a PITA until you do". It should NEVER be used as a punishment.

I'm just sorry he's being this way. Hopefully you find some clarity in this.

ksmom14's picture

I don't know if he even realizes how he manipulates situations...he's always had a very defensive, very "woe is me" attitude

I remember one time after DD2 was born (I used to make him breakfast every weekend, I like cooking and that was always my thing), I had nursed her in the AM, then made DD3 breakfast, then myself breakfast. He came to me because he was bothered that I hadnt made him breakfast because thats always a special thing I did for him as a show of my love for him. But he was so blinded my himself that he didn't see that i had already taken care of THREE people and he was yet again asking for more...story of my life

Ithinkican's picture

“that he wanted to always just be himself and not try to change to please someone else”

But he’s doing that to you now. He’s not letting you be yourself.

ksmom14's picture

I agree, unfortunately I don't think we're compatable anymore. I'm willing to compromise to an extent, but 1. I don't feel that he will as well and 2. I don't feel like he would be happy with compromising the way I would be.

Either scenario leads to divorce I suppose

StayTrue's picture

I think you ahould definetly see a counselor to help you theough this. While you may not be the issue, I think they can help with communication.  I can tell you that I can understand where you come from. I always tell my husband hey I need you to be more emotional than expecting things just like a switch. I don't think he notices it until I get really irritated. 

I would hate for you guys to get divorced over this because I do think it sounds like something you guys can get a good place on, as long as he actually cares. My husband will do some stuff that literally drives me insane BUT I know he will put me first because he pretty much always has. It hasn't been an immediate thing but once he understands where I am at in being tired of it or what it is doing to our relationship he tries. Hopefully your husband is that way, if not I would find it hard to navigate without trying a counsler.

somethingwicked's picture

Please find a therapist with  sex counselor experience and drag your DH to their offce . And maybe  with therapy  it will be revealed your DH developed some sexual obsession. Does he watch lots of   porn? Do you know if that is part of his routine to unwind after work or in the evening?

Porn obsession can create so much tension because the partner  who is inserted into the fantasy can NEVER live up to the imagined sex .

Sex addiction is  real a thing..just like alcoholism ,drug addiction or food addiction .

And when sex becomes mechanical or a chore for one or the other and one or both partners aren't enjoying it then divorce becomes an option.

Def start with a therapist.Good luck. 

shamds's picture

actually laid there flat, stone still and no emotion, no aaahss or oooh no emotion- nada. Then just as he starts sex she would tell him to hurry up and get it over and done with. Thats a major erection killer for any man.

me and hubby we have a healthy sex drive but hubby always says you need to be in the mood. If kids are sick or its been a full on week, its just common sense you may not be in the mood.

hubby has a coworker (deputy ceo) married to a woman in early 40s who is a senior corporate person. He has a high sex drive and wants it regularly like every night several times. When his wife comes home she is just beyond exhausted that she isn’t in the mood. Some of the senior staff asked hubby to talk to this man because his issues at home were affecting the workplace and because me and hubby have a large age gap and 2 kids but hubby said his boss is an idiot. There is no compromise there

this is the thing hun, your man ain’t compromising one bit. My husband couldn’t even try new positions with his ex, on the sofa or any other area and the ex wife said he had a mental illness and was sick and needed to be checked at a mental institution.

me and hubby we enjoy variety, we buy a new sofa, great lets christen it when no kids are home. Having a healthy sex life is great but the average healthy sex life is about 3x a week. Anything more is excessive.

i remember a woman post delivery of her 1st baby since a month post delivery was having sex with her hubby 5x a day daily. She had a newborn. The only thing going through many peoples minds was they were drugging the baby because a newborn wouldn’t be sleeping through all those sex sessions.

sex should be about your chemistry together, bonding, releaving stress and just maintaining a strong emotional connection 

if you’re at a point in life where you are so stressed and angry with normal daily life and you don’t feel like taking it out with hubby during sex, thats a big issue. It means you are growing apart and/or that chemistry and connection is no longer there. 

When me and hubby are apart because of work and studies, sex is often what we’re craving the most and we can’t wait to meet up. We have our usual skid issues and drama but with all those stresses skids cause, hubby wants sex to relieve the stress when he’s lost it with his kids over how selfish and self centred entitled they are.

ksmom14's picture

That is one of our differences as well, he uses sex as a stress reliver....I honestly think it's his ONLY stress releiver. While when I'm stressed I just want to be a slug and watch TV or go to sleep. 

Unfortunately that doesn't work out well when we are both stressed about the same thing.

bananaseedo's picture

I'm sorry- you see a counselor over this- you don't divorce over this. There are times it baffles my mind the acceptable reasons for divorce here.  Vows are for better or worse you know?  An incompatible sex drive can be worked through, it can also be endured (him). 

Siemprematahari's picture

If I say no because our toddlers are awake, I have to deal with the cranky moodiness for even longer, until he either snaps out of it, or he gets sex. 

It always amazes me how some men think women can have a sex drive like a flick of a switch. You have toddlers that you are caring for and most likely exhausted. I'm not sure if he's helpful but what woman wants to have sex after that? You're also not emotionally happy with him so that also adds to you not wanting to have sex with him. Whenever sex becomes a chore it becomes an issue.

He expects you to please him but what is he doing to get you to that excited place? Is he taking you out for a romantic dinner, getting you flowers, showing you appreciation, picking up some of the slack when it comes to chores or the kids? He seems very selfish like its all about his wants and needs while forgetting about you.

He needs a reality check and you need to let him know that if this continues without some changes made that divorce is possibly in the near future.


ksmom14's picture

He is a very hard worker, never have I had to ask him twice to do something around the house to help. But as far as romance or doing small things to show me he cares...that's non existent. 

When he's upset he goes from 0 to 100 (not in a physical or even verbal way), we had a disagreement months ago, and he literally was convinced we were going to divorce because it took a few days to work it out. To me that was silly to jump THAT far ahead over a disagreement. But because of this I've always been very careful to NOT bring up the D word

tog redux's picture

Ugh, the differing sex drives is a struggle for us, too. But we are able to talk about it, and every other aspect of our relationship is good. DH never pouts or acts manipulative about it (or wants me to do kinky things).  I don't really understand the thinking of some people with high sex drives - the idea is that somehow those of us with lower ones need to provide them with what they need or they will, what? Explode? Go crazy?  I don't get it. Take care of yourself.

The problem seems to be your DH's selfishness rather than the different sex drives.

futurobrillante99's picture

Hmmmmm. I think an emotionally mature man with a high libido would be capable and willing to compromise with you. This kind of man would definitely take steps to manage his libido while giving you some "days off" and also paying attention to your need for some romance and real emotional connection. An emotionally mature man can demonstrate self discipline and true empathy, which would look like being supportive and understanding, instead of sulky and punitive.

The problem, like others have aptly stated, is that your husband is a selfish, immature man lacking in empathy.

When you do have sex with him, he uses you to satisfy his kink and ignores your requests for him to sometimes be loving and gentle, taking his time. And when you don't have sex with him, he's a petulant brat.

This is abusive and damaging to the relationship. I'm willing to bet this behavior carries over to other aspects of the relationship.