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Don't Know What to Do

kjgh's picture

Submitted by kjgh on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 4:39pm

Hi, All - I am wondering if anyone out there is a wife of a widower whose stepchildren live with them. I am, and I just can't deal with my husband's kids anymore. I know that it sounds awful, but I just can't stand having them around. As they get older, it gets worse. We've been married for only three years, but things just keep getting worse for me. I absolutely adore my husband, which does make things more tolerable. He absolutely adores me and our marriage is as strong as ever. (His first marriage was a disaster and would have ended in divorce if his first wife hadn't passed away.) I just can't stand having his kids around. And because they have lost their mother, I feel like a horrible person because of it. I am currently pregnant with my first child. Maybe my hormones are causing these feelings? My husband's children are 14 and 12, a girl and a boy. The boy has ADD and is just not normal. The girl, although smart and more stable, is strange as well. As they are both teenagers now (or close to it), they are just getting more difficult to deal with. I come from a good, close Catholic family with strong values and morals. I have four nephews and a niece who I just adore as if they are my own. I just can't get a handle on my husband's kids, though - they are not like the children I am used to dealing with.

Does anyone have any tips or resources (books, etc.) on how to deal with these feelings? I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

Comments

livinthedream's picture

Submitted by livinthedream on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 5:36pm

Its probably difficult living in the shadow of their mom. I can honestly say that you have a tough job. Alot of us get the relief of the sk's goin back & forth. You dont. Consider yourself lucky that you dont have to deal with the added stress of a BM. You mentioned being in a religous community and having nieces and nephews. Try to focus on the positives like your marriage being sound & secure. Also, keep in mind that the more your happy..the better of a life your new child will have!

justwantpeace2's picture

Submitted by justwantpeace2 on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 8:05pm

Well, I married into that sort of situation. The kids were young and didn't start getting difficult until the teenage years. There were many times that I didn't think that my marriage was going to survive. However, I just didn't want to give up. We didn't do any counseling. I just hung on until they were old enough to move out. We have a child together also so that was more incentive to make it work out. I guess what kept me going was the knowledge that one day thes skids would be moved out. I know that I did learn to disengage! Like they say, nmknmp! I supported my dh as much as I could and hung on! {{{Hugs}}} for what you are going through! I am over that part of my life now and am glad that I didn't give up! It's not always perfect because the skids don't disappear, but I don't have to deal with them daily like I did before!

Gmama's picture

Submitted by Gmama on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 8:15pm

My first marriage ended in divorce, a year later he took his life. So i have MY kids 24-7. my boys have been in constant trouble from about 14 to (still) I just had court on thursday with mt 16y/o. my 19 y/o has a son already, Yes I would agree
my husband has been tested way more then you know, but somehow we keep powering threw it. my 19 y/o moved out and has bought his own house (im proud of him) he's very involved with his son and adores him. I don't know if it helps or not,I know my husband is just as fustrated as you are,he didn't sign up for half the crap he got. my 11 y/o daughter loves him to death,she doesn't remember alot of her dad so he has become the only one she knows at this point.
I don't know if i can help but my family is in the same boat,if you ever need to talk let me know.
Tammy

Abigail's picture

Submitted by Abigail on Fri, 07/17/2009 - 9:50pm

I think it's theirs! Teenagers are hard enough. Ones that are troubled that aren't even yours? Priceless!

Hey, I'm sorry. Maybe you can get some parenting books on teenagers. Teenagers start acting out and will push to see your boundaries. Kids that have emotional problems become extremely difficult teenagers.

I'll recommend my favorite general parenting book "Have a new kid by Friday." Worked great for us if you are just trying to get them to behave. If they have deep rooted issues, I would try counseling.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

justme2's picture

Submitted by justme2 on Sat, 07/18/2009 - 7:17pm

It sounds like you need more "me" time. In other words you need time away from the skids. My FH has a ss and his son that comes over. The SS has ADHD and is a teen on top of that! I totally understand how it is.
I ended up making a "sanctury" for myself in my bedroom. When he comes over and get to me - I just resign to my little hideaway and watch tv, read or whatever. I lie and tell them I'm taking a nap or else the kids will come in and want to know what I'm doing, can we do this, blah blah blah!
I would recommend you try it. Maybe put in a cozy chair, tv or anything so you can RELAX! With the stress of being pregnant - you need all the relief you can get!
Good luck!