Not the feelings I expected to have
I have been married for almost 5 years to my husband who has a 10 year old daughter. She lives full time with her mother and usually stays with us during the summer. My husband and I have a two year old and a 11 month old together. On a regular basis, I think about how I don't love my step daughter. I will always try my best to show anyone who comes into my life kindness and respect, including her. But pretty much it ends there.
I feel like the people that I know that have stepchildren love them like their bio children. It does not feel like that will ever happen for me, and I often time feel very guilty about it.
My husband's daughter is not a nightmare or anything, she's for the most part a good kid. There is a lot of drama where her mother is concerned. I do my best to stay away from the drama and let my husband handle things how he sees fit pretty much.
I guess before I got married, I didn't think really hard enough about the having a step kid part of it. I have no regrets about anything, I just expected I guess to feel differently about her. I guess I just over simplified it in my mind. I figured well, I like children, so eventually I will love her. I am realizing now that loving her at all is most likely not going to happen, never mind loving her like I love my two. I just feel guilty about it on a regular basis.
For those of you have some guilt like I do, how do you all deal with your feelings? And does their bio parent know your true feelings?
You don't have to love her,
You don't have to love her, it's really okay. Showing her kindness is enough.
I have been with my DH since his daughter was 5, she's now 24. I care about her well being but I certainly don't love her like I would my own child (if I had one). She was a good, well behaved kid and I have always treated her well. As far as I'm concerned, that's enough.
I know people who love their steps like their own, or close, and that's great for them but it doesn't happen for everybody. Not to mention, sometimes it's not as it seems.
Let go of the guilt, relax, and just have the best relationship with her that you are capable of. That's really all that any of us can do.
I totally agree that it is
I totally agree that it is unrealistic. I just wonder why it seems like so many people act like if you don't love your skids like you love / would love your bio kids, you are some sort of monster.
Right? Just because I don't
Right? Just because I don't love my SD like my own, doesn't mean I beat her, or hate her, or don't want what's best for her. I'm just not as emotionally invested in her as I would be my own kid. I don't lose sleep at night thinking about her or her problems. So what?
Insane.
Insane.
But as I explained, I don't
But as I explained, I don't love her. Nothing is really going to change that. Playing with her is not going to change that.
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstati
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIqj3mNG08tKTJwX3k...
huh. not sure why that
huh. not sure why that posted here. oh well.
good one echo!
What step-parents do you know
What step-parents do you know who love their skids like their own bios?! I didn't know there was such a thing. I've had SD13 full-time since she was 5 and my resentment only grows stronger, along with the constant guilt that I still can't even stand being in the same room with her. One day at a time. One slow day at a time is the only thing I know how to do about this as I just wait for her to age out.
I can't think of anyone off
I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but I've heard people say things like they knew when they met their significant other that their significant other and their child(ren) were a "package deal" so they will treat the skids as they would treat their own bio children. I can't understand the whole "package deal" thing. It just doesn't sound realistic and feelings are complicated. Just because you grow to love your significant other does not mean that love will be automatic for his / her children. It's like a lot of people don't understand that.
I have family that has said
I have family that has said the same thing, and they seem to portray their feelings outwardly, but I can't do that with my SS. It is tearing my marriage apart, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how any mother who has a child of her own can love another woman's child as her own. It just isn't happening for me.
Yeah I don't think it will
Yeah I don't think it will ever happen for me either. I'm sorry to hear that it is having a negative effect on your marriage. I am going to assume that you at least treat your SS with kindness and respect, and it's sad that it's not enough.
What do your skids call you?
What do your skids call you? My husband's daughter prefers to call me Mom. I know this would make most people happy because it's sign that they accept you. But I would really prefer if she just called me by my first name. I told her is was ok for her to call me Mom, only because I felt the pressure to say yes. But I guess it's something I can live with, even though it's not my preference. I guess my reasoning behind is even though she really isn't a good person, she does have a mother (who she lives with) and I don't want to be thought of as another mother. I just want to be an adult in her life that will look after her well being just as I would any other child. I don't feel "motherly" toward her as I explained in my original post, so to be called Mom does not feel natural or comfortable for me.
You're doing great. I'd go
You're doing great. I'd go even further and say that you probably do love her and a lot of it is a matter of boundaries.
I absolutely adore my niece and my four nephews. Like...I'm crazy about them and try to see them as often as I can. Since I don't have bios...I feel they're the closest thing. I take them out. Sometimes I let them come spend the night with me as a treat. We're all very close.
Would I want these children, who I adore, to LIVE at my house EOWE and for 10-11 days at Christmas, over Spring Break, and in the summer? He** No! They're not my kids. They're my niece and nephews and I see them on my terms, when I can find the time.
But my skids, who are also not my kids, I have to deal with this arrangement. They treat my home like it's their home. I pay for things for them without really being asked. They lounge around on the couches all weekend or in "their" rooms. A lot of people tell you to treat your skids like an aunt or like you're a big sister...I think that's good advice, except that an aunt or big sis can drop the kids back at their parents when she's done. Not so for a SM. It's just WEIRD to have people who aren't biologically-related to you hanging around your home for days on end. It's not natural. Ben Franklin said fish and visitors both stink after 3 days...and, to me, the skids are visitors.
I do love my skids ( but not like I would love a bio...not even like I love my niece and nephews). What I HATE is feeling like I have no control over the schedule...over when and how I see them...
I feel like I am young, and
I feel like I am young, and my skid is too old for me to develop any feelings for her (I am 31, she will turn 18 this summer). I pretty much accepted that i don't love her and never will. I don't feel guilty about it. I don't think I must love her. She is not my child, she grew up without me, she is practically an adult (although she is extremely immature for her age).
I am nice to her, she is important to BH. That is where it ends for me. I don't feel guilty.
I WISH that somehow we magically were best friends, but we are not. Like i sad, she is way behind in her social development, which doesn't help. But we don't have some horrid relationship and that is good enough as far as I am concerned.
I understand how you feel. It
I understand how you feel. It is really hard, and I feel guilty all the time. I don't even refer to myself as "step mom" or "step parent" I created those boundaries the day my spouses biological son came into our lives which was a year ago. I show kindness, and politeness to the son, but I do not go far out of my way to make him feel extremely welcomed. I usually leave when he comes over, I will go have tea with a friend or go shopping just to give dad and son alone time. My spouse does not like that I leave, but it can be over whelming to me. However I do feel bad about that, but my feelings are very twisted right now with the change in all of our lives. My spouse and I have been together for awhile, and his biological son came into his life randomly 10 months ago, he is 12 years old turns 13 soon. The bio mother just contacted him through social media and said " Hey want to meet your son and have a connection" and WHALA here we are today. :jawdrop:
I have never felt or thought
I have never felt or thought that I wish my SS did not exist. Now, I have frequently fantasized about a meteor strike on a Sperm Clan family gathering that would wife that shallow and polluted gene pool from the planet. A reunion my son was not at of course. Not that he would go if invited. He detests the Sperm Idiot and most of the Sperm Clan and would not waste his time with an extended gathering of the toothless morons.