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New baby and Skids

KinaTina357's picture

I am about 5 months pregnant with my first baby. I've been raising my SO's two kids (SD 13 and SS 11) 100% of the time for the last year and a half. Their mother is a drunk and is currently jumping from job to job and rented room to rented room to avoid Child Support. They haven't seen her in about a year and most of their memories of her involve her being passed out on the floor, or throwing things at their father or peeing herself. My SO definitely let this go on way too long in front of the kids, and he's really guilty about it. We were not expecting to get pregnant, long story on that one, but here we are and as a family, we're all pretty excited.

I'm starting to wonder how this will effect my skids. We get along great, sometimes I'm more of a friend but for the most part I'm an authority figure and they like spending time with me. I worried that when the new baby comes, the kids might start to resent her. Their age difference kind of worries me since I grew up just a year apart from my siblings. But mostly I'm worried they will see the happy family they didn't have and see the baby growing up with a stable mom. I also worry they will see the difference in their dad and resent him for not being stronger when they were younger. He had a lot of enabling behaviors and was really passive and has really changed in that department since I've met him. He and his ex fought constantly over the years in front of the kids. I'm not a screamer and he's learned that we discuss issues privately and there is no need to yell about them.

I love my skids like my own. I've worked really hard to build our family the last year and earn their trust. I know that a new baby will take a lot of time and attention and worry that will be perceived as me loving my "real child." Or something like that. Thoughts?

Comments

Maxwell09's picture

You won't know until the baby gets here. Most kids show out in one way or the other. Some regress, some misbehave, some clam up and become despondent. It depends on their personality, how you set them up to be siblings (include them vs exclude them) and how your DH treats them before and after the baby gets here.

I'm primary caretaker for my SS4, when he was three I got pregnant and included him in everything like dr's visits and picking out clothes. I didn't allow him to be at the hospital during labor but he saw me before and he was with DH when they picked us up after being released. I let an almost four year old hold my day old baby. Not many here would do it' but a few here are dealing with kitten killers so like I said, it's situational. I was lucky BM reproduced a year before I did because SS had to deal with having a baby around already. SS4 is very gentle and kind to Biobaby. I encourage them to play together. Let the kids know you trust them around the baby (unless they are kitten killers) and still go to their things and do things with them. Biobaby was born right before the Summer, me and SS used to always go to the waterpark on Wednesday in the Summer. It was "our thing" and once BB1 got here I let my mom keep him so me and ss4 could keep going. Children don't like change-neither do most adults-so change as little of their everyday lives as possible since having a new sibling is quite enough change for them to deal with already. You're like me where you have your skids majority of the time so they will have a pretty significant relationship with your baby if you encourage it.

KinaTina357's picture

Kitten killers..hahaha. Thankfully my skids are far from that. It is good advice, to make sure I keep doing the things we did before. It sounds like having a baby consumes your whole life, especially at first, so I'll keep that in mind. You're lucky your ss went through it with his mom. Mine are pretty excited, so we'll hope it stays that way!!

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Mine seemed to resent my baby when I was pregnant with her and now she will be two in August and they can't help but to love her even at BM's encouragement for them not to.

KinaTina357's picture

That's awesome. I'm hoping it goes that way for me too. My oldest skid is such a mother since hers wasn't very good at it, so I think she'll be ok. I think my ultimate fear is this is the reason they are in therapy when they are 30.

KinaTina357's picture

I'm sorry to hear that. That seems to be a common theme on this site. I'm told daily how lucky I am I don't have to actually deal with BM and watch the kids leave for the weekend and then come back as total brats with no manners. I'd have to agree based on what I see. I do think my skids will always grow up thinking the grass is greener on the other side and that things could've been better with her. But they are really smart and saw a lot of her drunk antics so maybe not. BM not being around I think will contribute to the resentment of the new baby.