Thank you for all the good advice and sharing similar scenarios to mine. Google and Reddit has helped me open my eyes to other healthy experiences of blended families and I realized mine would never be one of them.

 
my last post on here also highlights some of the issues we were having. You guys were right. She hated those boundaries and claimed I was trying to "make her put me before her son and she needs a man who won't force her to choose them over her son" tell me... is it asking your partner for a private kids free bedroom so the kids don't come barging in when you're burt naked asking them to put you before their kid? Does a kid need constant 24/7 access to their parents bedroom to become healthy independent adults? SS6 had surgery and his health and breathing has improved so that excuse for cosleeping doesn't exist anymore. I felt like she prioritized being a single mom so much she just couldn't consider anybody's  feelings but her and her son's. She's only worried about him having 24:7 access to her bedroom instead of setting boundaries on a private space i would potentially be paying for. She even suggested we be roommates and her and her son share a room and I have my own room before she ever locks him out of her room. This gave desperate roommate situation not a romantic partner. 

After the nastiest conversation over text we finally ended things. In the beginning I was 25 & I am  FTM & it was a lot of debate about me even meeting her son because she didn’t want him to be confused and she wanted a traditional male role model in his life instead but eventually she kinda came around with comments here and there even in this argument. After 3 months, I met him and everything got even weirder. 

Even despite how she felt about my transition and dating a trans man, I did so much out of love for her and her son. I would pay for toys back to back. I would go everywhere with them, I would pay for hair, nails, restaurants whatever she wanted. I developed a closer bond with her son at one point rather than her. I would bathe him most nights, take him different places, babysit all the time and was the main one taking him to a babysitter over the summer making sure he had his asthma pumps and was dressed since I was unemployed at the time. I was like a golden stepparent but as we know the sunshine doesn’t last forever as a stepparent. 

I had a large amount of savings and honestly, I was splurging on my new honeymoon stage without realizing. when I realized my savings was depleting more than I liked while dealing with her and not working. I begin to Door dash and look for employment within my experience to support more and have more money for me to still have my savings because I created that savings through very hard work throughout my college degree, I just didnt want all my savings to go to waste when it was supposed to be used for my unpaid internship to finish my college degree. 

Eventually, I got hired at a new school and started making more than her but With employment, came different priorities on my end, burnout from always saying yes to her all the time (she always asked me to come over despite the fact that I could barely sleep when they coslept; this became an issue as a teacher),  constant lesson planning and little in between breaks, and also got the flu twice and bag sinus infections and allergies from a mixture working with kids full-time for the first time and a bad immune system. 

Right around the time  I got employed, she got evicted from her apartment and started living with GMA (who eventually moved out and let her have the apartment) She was  behind on rent to pay for cleaning services for her son’s asthma (which didn’t help it he actually had sleep apnea & she lost her apartment for cleaning services for nothing; another reason I was nervous to move in with her; she handles finances.. differently and has bad credit) 

Anyway, because of employment and her eviction & move to GMA house,  I wasn’t around  as much as I used to and I genuinely didn’t feel like doing as much as I used to cus teacher burnout is real and driving to GMA house and packing a bag every weekend can be a lot especially when you don’t get sleep when you get over there. He son snores loud, kicks, and will get upset if we don’t cosleep. Even if we go to sleep without him she’ll wake up & want to sleep with him instead of me. I just never slept over there very well and my Fitbit was clear proof. I started saying no to a lot of things because for 1) I was genuinely tired & the drive from my house to hers was a lot over the weekends but I always tried 2) I wanted to start saving my money for my own housing, my own bills (phone bills, dog surgery bills, groceries for myself, car bills, etc.) & I felt like all my money shouldn’t go to them as much especially because most of the time my spending had no direct impact on me but it just bettered their lives and decreased my spending money especially because we weren’t staying together as much as we used to since she got evicted. But I did want to try and help out when I could. Even with this thought every paycheck i sent $50 for no reason at all and sent gifts and things she needed or wanted  like special soaps, toilet paper, paper towels, headphones for her son’s iPad, etc.   but she claims now i was never “putting a dent in my pockets” for her. Prior to our breakup I literally just bought a $200 treadmill for her which is important later.  I just felt like I needed to start more self care with my finances and myself because the situation always gave unstable if you look at some of my last posts.  And even when I felt like I wanted more self care with my finances, I never stopped giving fully. 

There was always differences in parenting, Disney parenting, coddling, that caused me to walk on egg shells a lot around her son. From him screaming in the middle of the nights and no correction until 15 screams later,   iPad blasting, the refusal to stop cosleeping and blaming it on many different things when he was obviously very dependent on it…. All of these things I begin to slowly see as the relationship unraveled should have turned me away but I was always told I don’t know what it takes to be with a single mom & there were guys in her past that had no problem with her and her son and would discipline him with no problem & even spank his butt with her permission  & she didn’t understand why I was having a hard time adjusting to being a stepparent… mostly because I felt like regardless of what I discipline or do it was “why did you do that to my baby?” And I’ll give an example of this in the next paragraph. Even when he made my dog run away, I wasn’t even that mad and I literally told him don’t open the gate because my dog will run away and he did it anyway her response “Why did you make my baby cry?” When you let your ex’s beat him and that’s something I would never allow my children to experience a spanking by the hands of a person im dating… I would never even spank my kids. Just another difference in how we would parent. 

It was one time, I treated him to a full day at kings dominion with my family paid for everything and even got him over $100 of stuff in build a bear all for him to complain I didn’t get him this brush for his pikachu bear that had no damn fur & he was upset because I bought one for my bear & that was the literal only purchase I made for myself while there other than food and drink. he told me “you should have bought it for me & not you.” In front of my whole family and even they got on him and said “what you should say is thank you” May I add that kings dominion trip had SEVERAL other temper tantrums that lasted for over 15 minutes and it showed me… I will never have the pull of an actual dad on him because I do not coddle like the only parent he has known for 5 years. And this realization hurt from someone who always wanted to be a dad. I didn’t expect him to tether to me like a dad in that short time but It made me realize just how difficult stepparenting was gonna be if our parenting styles did not align and we can’t even talk about coparenting without constantly being asked why I did this to her baby. 

Anyway, after employment she still wanted me to do so many things despite the fact that I was burnt out and getting sick left to right and his temper tantrums could only be tamed with her coddling… I just started to get annoyed with the whole situation. Whenever I didn’t do something she asked like teach him how to read or take him to great gma house, it turned into “you don’t do anything for us” “you don’t make any sacrifices for us” (may I add she asked me to take him to his grandmothers house only because she overslept and she still asked despite the fact that she knew I had an appointment to make) it was the inconsideration in the end that killed my love for her. She wanted more assistance than she could ever be considerate enough to see how and why I stopped giving or more so couldn’t give as much as I used to. The reason I didn’t want to teach her son to read is because she made no effort in it herself and I didn’t want to deal with his temper tantrums when he gets frustrated or upset when she didn’t even deal with it. On top of that like I said I was barely there for the routine he needed to be able to read. Now she claims they read twice a week throughout our arguments but I’ve literally NEVER seen him ever pick up a book, they don’t even have that many books in the house. All the workbooks I buy and suggest her to buy are empty!!! He is a true iPad kid. I’ve done most of his posters for projects  and his schoolwork as it regards to formatting and following the guidelines but I will give her credit she will drill him on his presentation. Even more, I’m not with them 24:7 for me to be the ONE to teach him to read and mostly he only asks to play Roblox and gives a big attitude if she tries to force us to read. As an educator, I told her exactly what to do once a day with him to improve reading skills and she still blamed me for my lack of effort because when I came over I just wanted to chill with my girlfriend and potential wife… not be forced to teach her frustrated son to read when he already doesn’t listen to me. I was burnt out from dealing with kids 8 hours a day who I had to redirect 24/7 so adding that to my plate was just… I am TIRED and you sit at a desk 8 hours a day and it’s your son, you do it! I just turned into a guy who did not say yes to every single thing trying to prove my worth as a stepparent. It didn’t matter because I saw alllll the downsides and silences that a stepparent has compared to a real dad. I didn’t care about being impressive anymore I just wanted a safe place to relax. 

 Her last statement to me was “Your whole argument the whole time was me needing help from you or asking you for help to do certain things to help me out Turn into me not seeing you and not caring for you and what you got going on  The little things I asked you for was not stopping no motion you were doing You just take stuff and run with it  And turn into more than what the freak is supposed to be”

Isn’t consideration all about thinking about other people’s perspective just because it’s little to you doesn’t mean it’s little to you but in our recent arguments she says this shows I’m weak because she can handle things that I can’t. I have a personality disorder, OCPD, and anxiety and dysthymia. I was only prone to bad mental health issues so yeah… I may need a bigger break then the average person if I’m being honest my mind exhausts me. 

I told her she wants assistance not love because if I was loved consideration would be given  for what I was going thru and how things change and how my role as a stepparent doesn’t mean I will say yes to every single thing as it regards to your kid and every single no should  not take away from all that life done. Consideration is not  you calling the  “little things” you ask for not that big of deal when I’m telling you directly I’m already stressed and don’t want to be put random ass unpredictable favors on my plate constantly. And it was constant even on my spring break, I bet money with myself she would ask for a favor despite the fact that she was mad at me and not even talking to me I was fucking right. For the first time during spring break I took so much self care and stayed in bed and Netflix. I rested so bad I got burn blisters from sitting in front of my heater too long… it felt good to say no omfg. 

it wasn’t that I was not willing to assist, it just wasn’t as much and it was just I adjusted how I assisted based on my conditions based on my comfort level instead of me just saying yes to everything she wanted as I did in the beginning. For example, she wanted to start working out after work but was conflicted with picking him up after work. It takes over 2 hours for her to get home after picking him up after work so I guess no time she feels like she wants to work out. I had no decision in him being put in this school nor was I considered on where he went to school. I honestly wouldn’t have minded at all if he was in a nearby school but so many things about the request bothered me. She didn’t even ask but said “choose a day out of the week you want to pick him up so I can start working out my mom will pick him up another day” what made me uncomfortable about the request was the inability to ask and assume I would be willing to do automatically no consideration but it was something I swallowed because like I said I was always told “I couldn’t handle being with a single mom or being a stepparent” yada yada so I said this is something I can swallow if ONLY I can do it on fridays because I end up spending the night over their house every weekend. She told me I was inconsiderate and make no sacrifices for choosing Friday because she wont feel like working out on a Friday… without failing to realize I don’t wanna drive for 2 hours in the first place especially when I never chose to put him there as a parent this is a big weekly favor but I’m doing it out of love this was also a big fucking deal to whereas she refused that I pick him up at all which also hurt because like I said I always wanted to be a dad and we did strongly bond in the beginning and I was looking forward to that time with him without her around coddling and Disney parenting because I think another part was I was starting to see more of that throughout the relationship and it would put me off
And unfortunately I did start looking at her son differently every temper tantrum. never treated him differently but it made me realize how can I be his dad his stepparent when I would have never raised this and I can’t really have a say in anything? I could see how he lacked independence because of her coddling and she saw no problem with it. When I did speak up when she would tell him to shut up or she’d whoop his ass it was “I’m his mom & don’t tell me how to fucking raise my son” all while wanting me to take up all these responsibilities as a parent because that’s what stepparents do in every situation she’s known. This is the type of shit I’ve had to deal with… trying to be a stepparent and considerate while pushed into being unconsidered. 

Her last statement showed me no matter how much I express how tired I am and how I’m burnt out and I don’t feel like randomly picking up the slack of your baby father… it didn’t matter. She wanted support from a partner as a single parent and if I wasn’t giving that as much as she wanted, it was somebody out here that would do better according to her. 

I’m so grateful to this forum for showing me I’m not alone in all my struggles within this situation. I’m so grateful I wasn’t gaslit into a position that wasn’t for me where the stepparent always sticks his neck out  for the parent to help the child they can’t even feel comfortable parenting. I realized not every single parent puts all of those responsibilities on their partner and blames them for being less when they can’t provide. I realized that’s not the case in plenty of blended families but I got so tired of trying to explain every blended family doesn’t look like what you’re expecting out of me but I guess she wants the stepparent who acts like a parent who actually stepped up. This forum taught me how impossible and unrealistic that can be and I am so grateful I had people validating my feelings when my partner constantly invalidated them with her struggles as a single mom.