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question for everyone....if you could go back in time

kat27's picture

and do it all over again...would you? to be involved with a man that was emotionally wrecked from divorce...dealing with bm's...dealing with sk issues, cs,....all the drama and the fights and everything that goes along with it. is your love for your husband so unique and special and you're so certain you could never have that with anyone else....has it made it all worth it. and how many of you went into this relationship having never been married and having no children of your own? i just really want to know how many of you would do it all over again. do you think you could've loved another man as much as you do the one that you're with? me and bf are going on two years soon and i'm just really questioning if i'm ready to commit to him for the rest of my life. i know no one else that has ever gone through the situation i'm in except you all....'s a bad day.


jojo71's picture

I read your reply on HeatherM's post about wishing you'd known her a couple of years ago...I was thinking the same thing!

If I could rewind, I would have DATED FH longer before getting engaged and I would have DATED FH longer before moving him and his SD8 in with me. I would have given myself time to see FH's relationship with SD8 and would have attempted to correct it before making the commitment that I am in now. Then, if it wasn't corrected (or at least improved) over time, it would have been easier to end it. Now that we're committed though, I have no other choice than to try to correct things...which is why I'm constantly talking to a therapist now and printing out articles and buying books for FH to read. I'm fighting to make this work. But if we weren't living together, I don't know if I would have made such a major effort.

startingover2010's picture

if i had the chance to do it again, i wouldnt at all. if/when i leave my current bf, i will not be dating anytime soon, and i will NEVER again date a man with children, unless they are grown and out of the house already.

melis070179's picture

No regrets marrying my DH, best decision we ever made. BUT...if I could really go back in time, I would go way back before I ever even met DH and make him get a paternity test before marrying BM! Then I wouldn't have to deal with any of these issues in the first place!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

mommyamor's picture

I'd have paid more attention to what his relationship with the bm's was like and put some serious thought into whether I could deal with it or not and not let my heart get caught up in the mix. He would have had to set boundaries (proven by action) from the start prior to us being an item.

Take your weakness and use it as a strength to keep moving forward...

Amazed's picture

Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha

FallingfromGrace's picture

Nope, I wouldnt do it again.

"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

kat27's picture

that if the only issue was all his emotional baggage, i could deal with that and we could work it out. OR if there was no emotional limbo, and the only issue was bm's and 2 sk's...then i could deal with that. but the combination of all the issues...geez. i mean, when it's's REAL good. but when it's's slow suicide. (that is my new favorite description...borrowed from earlier!)or maybe i could deal with all of it if i felt like he was fighting just as hard as i was. i've done the disengaging thing...and it works to a point. problem is...after awhile of him being just PERFECT...i start letting my guard down and feeling like i can put my whole heart back into this relationship again...and then it's like it all just falls to shit. and he does this thing that he's always done....he can say i love you all the about marriage, spending the rest of our life together. but as soon as I start talking like that...he just clams up. everytime. it's like as long as he wants to talk about's great...but if I meantion it, i'm putting pressure on him for commitment. (and i'm totally not...BELIEVE ME. jumping into marriage with all these issues is the last thing on my mind...i know it won't fix anything) i get that he's terrified of marriage...i would be to if i'd gone through what he's been through....but god, when he reacts like this i can't help but feel like i'm spinning my is that????

HeatherM's picture

I love my husband dearly... I really do..he is everything to me.. we get a long great.. he is everything I want in a man.. HOWEVER... I'm a realist... he is not the only man out there that possesses these qualities...

I'm not saying for one second that I don't love being married to him... I do..BUT if I had to do this over again, and knew what I know now... absolutley NOT!

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Would I do it all again? 99% of the time I would do it all again tomorrow. DH is a great husband and a super father. Maybe not the greatest SD in the world, but I'm ok with that because he truly means well. CS is past the half-way mark of being over for SD 10.5 and the girls and I have a very very good relationship. Our bad moments have been baaaaad, but overall, yes I really would do it again, just to have my DH.

Sebbie's picture

I would rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I am not.

DH and I have had our problems, we have had our issues, but each and every thing we have experienced together has created one hell of a strong friendship and a hell of a strong marriage. No matter what dh and I face, I know we face it together and I would not change that for anything. My dh is not the perfect man, and I certainly am not the perfect woman, but what he gives to me and our children is 100% of everything he is. We have both experienced pain, hurt and anger in our relationship, but without these things, one cannot learn and grow. That he is willing to weather the storms with me, is all I need to know that I am where I belong.

lilly7's picture

I would have dated him until kids were gone, at least...I told him that the other day (he asked!) and he was really shocked and upset. But I just couldn't bring myself to lie.

Marriage just compounds the pressures of custody/finances/jealousy over DH, and the list goes on and on and on...

missangie1978's picture

so no one yell at me I'me pregnant and emotional today Smile

I would be with DH in a heart beat but I would have done things differently. I wouldn't have allowed BM to overstep her boundaries as much as I did. I wouldn't have allowed DH to bring SS and BM's other kids to my house when we were dating.

The biggest change I would have made is I would NOT have paid for the lawyer and court costs to get SS full-time which means we'd only have SS EOW.

I love my DH I just don't love the baggage that he came with.

DMartin0118's picture

AND NO!!! I absolutely would not do it again. Had I known he had a kid I wouldn't have married him in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love my DH with everything in me. And now I might be in too deep to do anything about it. When I found out about her, I wanted to try and work it out because thats what married people are supposed to do I guess. But its been such a hard road to be on, I don't think it would be worth it to go through it all again...

Step mother: A woman who cleans up everyone elses shit while she gets shat on. Step mother.

Crizzle's picture

then I wouldn't have my beautiful son.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere