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I feel so bad for DH

justmakingthebest's picture

About 10 years ago my mom, sister and I went to NYC on a girls trip. We had a blast and spent a fortune! My mom wasn't about cabs or subways so she hired a driver for the weekend. He was awesome, took us everywhere, got us into all the cool restaurant, shopping, etc! He is from Bangladesh and had a toddler close to the same age as DD. We wound up meeting his wife, and anyway, I have kept in touch with them on social media.

I made a post about our cruise for my birthday nest year and she commented, long story short, they are coming because I still have some open rooms on the group booking! I am so excited to see them again, they are just the sweetest people. 

DH just looked at me shell shocked when I told him. He was (sarcastically) like wow... you are such horrible person that a family you met 10 years ago wants to see you again, yet SS doesn't. Just the worst.- shaking his head, you could see it hitting him all over again.

I said that I was sorry that everyone else in our lives thinks we are pretty ok, SS doesn't want to do anything with us at all, no matter what adventures we plan. We have a good and happy life though and as long as we focus on that and he keeps a line of communication open, things could change one day. 

I know it's not our fault. I know there is nothing more we could have done. I know all of that, and I think DH does in his head, but I breaks my heart to see him hurt. I just wish we could get the court resolution and be able to move on with our lives. 



Aniki-Moderator's picture

Sounds like sour grapes on your DH's part. I know he's hurting, but that comment was unnecessary. Sad

justmakingthebest's picture

It wasn't mean to me at all, just like that sarcastic in general- my kid is an azzhat. 

ESMOD's picture

I think I might have responded something along the lines of:

Yes.. DH.. I AM a nice person and most people like me.. or at least tolerate my presence.  But, YOU are a nice person too.  You have to accept and understand that what is going on with your son has just about zero to do with what kind of person you are.  It's all been about your EX winning.. even if she destroys parts of her child's life in the destructive wake of her estrangement tactics.  I know that doesn't make you feel better that your son has turned his back on you... and who knows, with time and maturity and growth away from his mom?  perhaps he will realize how poorly he treated you and how much you wanted to be in his life?  Maybe you will have a future.. but what you don't have with him is a "now".. and it's not your fault.. or my fault... it's completely out of both of our hands.  We could offer up gold plated nike airs.. sports cars.. vacations to europe and offer to feed him nothing but cotton candy and cake.. and he still wouldn't be able to shake his mom's death grip on his soul.  But, if you need to get some therapy to deal with the grief you are experiencing? that's absolutely fine.. but what you can't do is wring every bit of joy out of our lives over this.  That means she wins even more.. and I won't have it.

justmakingthebest's picture

That is a VERY good point. She no longer gets to have any control on our lives or our future happiness and I will not allow her to have any power in our home anymore!

DH does need to seek help in processing his loss, because he really has lost a child.

Ursula's picture

So sad.  Your BM is the worst of the worst and what she did to the relationship between a father and son is truly disgusting.  I wonder if one day your SS will come around.  

TrueNorth77's picture

It's crazy how strong PAS can be- they can see one parent (and SP) as awful people, but can't look beyond that to see the kind of people they really are, and think maybe they are mistaken about their reasoning. 

I think we are headed down this road with SD-almost 13. She has gone so far to Crazy's side that she thinks DH is a terrible parent, she seems to believe the things she is told about how we "party too much" and because we have friends over occasionally when skids are with us that means we are selfish and don't pay attention to skids, so therefore I'm not a great SM either... I have noticed that during/after our skid trip, SD seemed to have "reset", and was acting her normal self and not as ready to point out things she thinks isn't right about DH, but I'm sure this is temporary and a week with Crazy will change her tune. What's frustrating is that we have friends, and I have lifelong friends- you would think that would perhaps make her think that I'm not awful, and maybe she would question why Crazy has NOT ONE friend, and she can't even maintain a relationship with her twin sister. She has been caught in lies, and saying awful things to skids. Yet she is the one SD believes over us. It doesn't make sense. 

Selfishly, If I were in your shoes I would think your DH should choose your vacation. I don't know if that's the right answer, but when you are getting nothing from SS, it's hard not to feel that way. 

justmakingthebest's picture

He has chosen our trip. He is just struggling with his son fully believing that we are some kind of terrible people when everyone else who knows us know that we are decent and kind people!

TrueNorth77's picture

I absolutely get it! It's the most frustrating thing. I hope your DH tells him that sometime. I'm glad he's going on your trip!

EveryoneLies's picture

Glad he made the right choice!

Some kids you just can't help them. People believe in what they want to believe, and see what they want to see. 

Cover1W's picture

Yeah, I get you. OSD18 has been gone from our home for about 5 years (4.5?) now. DH hasn't spoken at all to her since 3 years ago. She got accepted to college, we know that but he doesn't know where.

He's supposed to see a counselor (specialty in PAS) but hasn't made the appointment yet and I need to start pushing him to do so. All his feelings come up with milestones, less at random these days, It's always with him. He's feeling it a bit with YSD too who is not coming nearly as often, which DH and I discussed many times when she decided to go to H.S. near BMs. He's exited to see her every time but also fearful of making her upset in any way so it's a double-edged sword and let me tell you, I told him I'm not living that way this summer. I will be making her clean up and help with things more - she's 16.5, no job, no driver's license (yet? she's STILL in driver's school) and no will to driver herself anyway, refuses to get together with friends near us...etc. I am hoping she's going to be taking some extra classes this August like she was talking about...

And I digressed. Anyway, the only thing you can do is remind your DH that he is worthy, that PAS is insidious and recommend some reading to him.