Follow up to teen dating
I posted before about my daughter (stb16) and her BF (16) and some red flags I was seeing. Y'all agreed that the behavior was something to be watching.
Anyway, we had our cruise for my 40th last week and lordy did some stuff go down. She got the internet package so she could stay in touch with him. On the 2nd day he messaged her calling her every name under the sun! She was a wh*re and was sleeping with 3 guys at a time, F her, she is a liar- on and on! Of course she was devastated and a crying mess for the next 3 days. She was in a cabin with her brother, our exchange student and her best friend. It was a family vacation! There were no boys. She had 0 fun and honestly really ruined the trip for pretty much everyone. The day before we got back he apologized and they "got back together". They LoVe each other.
I am so mad at the way he treated her that I have forbidden him from stepping into my home. He was verbally and emotionally abusive and I refuse to support that in anyway. I know that if I force a break up, they will just sneak. I feel like the only thing I can do is keep him from coming over our house, which is where they used to spend a lot of time.
My son (17) tells me to let it go and just support her but I can't. I can't just let this keep happening to her and not do/say something. I tell her that I always support her, but I will not support this.
Am I wrong? Should I force a break up? Should I be "supporting" them? I am so lost in all of this. They are so young but we all remember that passion and all those feelings at their ages. HELP!
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What about talking to his parents?
You'd said before that they were known to you. Could you have a discussion with them to highlight their son's abusive tendencies? Would they be open to the negative feedback and open to addressing the issue with their child?
The boys mom knows about it
The boys mom knows about it and apologized to my Daughter. She even told her that she needs to know her self worth and not put up with any guy treating her that way.
She said she was talking to him. He wrote me a note apologizing but I really don't care about apologies. Nothing will ever make it right.
His actions ruined your 40th celebrations
So I agree he's not welcome in your home.
But I'd really worry that he's got a mental hold over your daughter. He deliberately manipulated her to ruin the vacation. Reads to me like he thinks "If I'm not having fun, no one has fun".
I don't know what to suggested because you don't want your daughter to see their situation as star crossed lovers which might push her to do something really dumb.
Exactly! This is so hard!
Exactly! This is so hard!
Hindsight is 2020... knowing
Hindsight is 2020... knowing how this played out.. it would have been a much better option for you all to go "device free" for your trip. Everyone could have benefited from some unplugging..literally.
But.. you have addressed it with the parent who had an appropriate response. The boy has apologized.. whether it is a heartfelt or not apology.. only time will tell.
And.. at this point.. that is all you can do is watch for improvement in actual treatment. While I get that you are mad right now.. I also would probably allow him in your home.. easier to monitor.
" On the 2nd day he messaged
" On the 2nd day he messaged her calling her every name under the sun! She was a wh*re and was sleeping with 3 guys at a time, F her, she is a liar- on and on! "
Ask your daughter what she'd advise a friend to do it she came to her and told her this. See if you can't get her to look at the situation from another angle.
I tried that, she said that
I tried that, she said that "we are just teenagers and emotions got the best of him".
I told her that with that line of thinking she is only protecting her abuser.
Incredible, isn't it? There's
Incredible, isn't it? There's no way I'd have let anyone speak to me and live at that age. I really fear for your daughter's future. If she won't listen to you and she won't listen to her bf's mother, then who will she listen to?
Can you give her printed info
Can you give her printed info or send links to her about abuse? There's got to be stuff out there for teens.
I dread to hear that he's smacked her next, he apologizes, and goes back to him.
I'd also be prepared for any breakup for the harassment to start.
I wish I had that answer.
I wish I had that answer.
Get her into therapy now to
Get her into therapy now to talk through this. See if your local DV shelter offers any resources for teens. Let the school know this happened and ask them to keep an eye out for poor behavior on his part. He does anything like this again, you call the police for harassment.
You are right that you can't stop her from seeing him, but you can continually point out his abusive behaviors. You can definitely not facilitate their relationship. And you need to have a chat with your son and explain that you WILL NOT let it go and that he SHOULD NOT let these things go if he sees or hears them from others. You also need to let your ex know of the situation.
Your daughter needs to build her skills to walk away from d-bags like this BF. Find professional help with that.
I know they are teens and
I know they are teens and there is all this passion and angst, BUT, if you do a poll of the men you know and love, how many of them would have EVER called their high school girlfriend on a FAMILY vacation a wh*re, a liar, and accuse them of sleeping with 3 guys at the same time???
My guess is that it would a very rare occurrence.
If a man will resort to those kinds of vulgar names and assertions, it's in his character to demean women.
Only one man in my life has resorted to those kinds of words and it was my covert narcissist ex husband.
This is a sign of poor character.
So the boy apologized. What's
So the boy apologized. What's he going to DO about it? He needs to be in therapy too. And your daughter needs to learn about abuse and what that looks like and how it escalates.
How about volunteering at a women's shelter? Speaking to professionals (therapist, school counselor, ob-gyn)? Doing some independent research on the topic?
What happens the NEXT time (because there will be one)? Has she set a boundary with him?
I was in your DD's shoes way
I was in your DD's shoes way back. My mum did everything in her power to break up my BF and I. It worked a couple of times but we would just get back together and it actually backfired on my mum because my BF and I came back stronger and stronger and ended up engaged.
When you're being abused in a relationship, it isn't enough for someone to forbid the relationship or try to break them up. What your DD needs is therapy. She needs to develop a connection with her worth and find out why she is putting up with this asshole's treatment of her. There used to be a poster on here who would remind us that "you accept the love you think you deserve." It lies within a person's subconscious. Your DD is young, so it's the perfect time to totally circumvent this as a long-term pattern for her.
Trying to even subtley break them up will result in the "forbidden fruit" syndrome. My DD41 ended up marrying a guy I really didn't care for. He had a police record (one incident at age 20) and it was the first guy she had seriously dated. They have gone through a lot of struggling times and changes but they seem to have grown together through the years (this month is their 19th anniversary).
I made it a point to not outwardly be against him, but there it is. Of course they weren't 16 at the time either (early twenties).
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. I will speak to her therapist about next week at her next appointment and I will contact a local shelter to see if there are any resources that I can get for her.
I won't "force a break up" but I am going to make it more difficult with family obligations and plans. He also is not going to be welcome in my home ever.
Thank you all!
Please re-think this. I
Please re-think this. I understand not wanting him in your home BUT If they are in your home then they are under your watch. The abuse is likely to get more severe as time goes on and you will not see it escalate if they meet elsewhere. Moreover, it makes it less likely that your daughter will see your home as a Safe Space.
I was thinking this too. I
I was thinking this too. I would want to see this little turd. I would keep a watchful eye and ear. If anything happened I'd intervene. If he's not there you won't have a clue how he's treating her.
In the end.. I can understand
In the end.. I can understand your frustration. My YSD at one point calls us and tells her dad that she has this "wonderful" new BF. She is waxing on about how he dresses so nicely.. from a good family.. hard working (last a joke we now know).. etc..
My DH recognizes the guy's last name.. and asks if he is X and Y's son.. she say.. oh..yes daddy..you know them?
He said.. well I can tell you he isn't from a great family.. the last time I saw his parents.. his dad was dragging his mom up the dock by her hair when we were having a party on my boat.
So.. he warns her.. this kid.. has not had the best role models.. (mom was a bit of a round heel with guys who had ahem.. party favors... dad was abusive to her).. and he tells her to watch out.
Wasn't a few months later there is this big blow up because he accuses YSD of talking to other guys.. and sends her a whole text of what she is and isn't allowed to do.. erase all male contacts from her phone.. and subject herself to constant invasions of privacy.. and you know what? she stayed with him for a while longer before he got tired of her not being a good enough suger mama to him (apparently he was mooching too).
ugh...she is now married to a lovely guy.. but sheesh.. some gray hair over that one!
I know that she will figure
I know that she will figure it out in time, and honestly I hope this boy learns to be better from the experience- but these aren't life lessons that I want him learning with my daughter!
Is she on birth control? This is the kind of guy who is going
Is she on birth control? This is the kind of guy who is going to pressure her for sex and refuse to wear a condom.
I'm with you, I would have a hard time letting this young man in my house knowing how he talked to my daughter.
Thankfully yes she is on BC.
Thankfully yes she is on BC. Purposefully getting her pregnant is a HUGE fear of mine.
Because that is exactly what
Because that is exactly what these types try when/if they feel like they are losing grip.
Had another thought: is this
Had another thought: is this kid's parent(s) in the military? If so, I'd make it clear that if they don't get their son under control, someone's command is going to get a call.
They aren't, but that isn't a
They aren't, but that isn't a real threat. I am an Ombudsman, I would be the person to receive that report for DH's command. They wouldn't get involved at all. It's a family and civil matter.
He called her a WHAT? HE SAID
He called her a WHAT? HE SAID WHAT?
All stop right there. Glad he is not allowed into your home.
That twit would never see my daughter again either. I don;t care that he said he was sorry. Slow clap for him.
You have access to counselors on base, right? I would arrange a session, two or three AND give them the heads up to what twit said. The skilled therapist can help her understand, what he said was NOT emotions getting the best of him. Even though I am sure you also told her the same thing.
,1000 times this . To
,1000 times this . To
I have emailed her counselor
I have emailed her counselor already and they are going to dive in next week. You are very right though.
Nope. POS spawn have no business dating anyone.
No quality parent would tolerate a POS in their home or dating their child.
I applaud your banishment of this POS from your home.
Get your daughter on Depro or Norplant to minimize the chance of this POS polluting your gene pool and your DD ruining her life.
I agree with ESMOD - your
I agree with ESMOD - your daughter needs to be "device free" for future trips. I would have a hard time not forbidding her to see him. If you ever see any bruises, especially on her face or arms, please don't let her see him again. This boy has some real issues.
Uhmm Gabby Petito?
I would have her watch this; https://youtu.be/6RkDadVIIlI
With all the gun violence
With all the gun violence going on now, I'd be cautious. I don't agree that the other parent did enough. Did you see any contrition with that apology? Does he have a dad involved? Did you keep records of all this in case he escalates in the future and you need legal help?
I dont have any records as of
I dont have any records as of right now, but plenty of witnesses if it comes down to it.
Others have raised a solid point about being able to see them is better than not. I'm very torn.
I'm praying that with school ending in a few more weeks and her going to her dad's for the summer will break them up.
Will Dad agree with your concerns?
Will Dad agree with your concerns? Some physical distance might help your daughter get some perspective - hopefully!
I have no idea. I haven't
I have no idea. I haven't spoken to him about this yet. When I raised my concerns a couple of weeks ago he brushed them off. I do need to speak to him today though since they are going up there to visit this weekend.
I talked to her dad, we are
I talked to her dad, we are on the same page. He is going to talk to her this weekend and he agrees that the behavior is abusive. He started to make some excuses for the boy and saying that he is still growing up, but I immediately said that our daughter doesn't need to be his where he learns those lessons. She deserves to be treated with respect and care. Period.
He isn't going to allow the boy at his house this summer and we are both hoping that the space apart will end them. Thank God for living 3 hrs apart!
Glad to hear he came around, I know he can be difficult.
Glad to hear he came around, I know he can be difficult. It will probably help that you aren't the only one cautioning her about the boy. And yes, in this case that distance is a good thing!
What happens if she refuses
What happens if she refuses to go?
My kids have never had the
My kids have never had the choice to go. We follow the CO and they don't have a choice until they are 18.
I'm glad to hear that. The
I'm glad to hear that. The sooner she's away from this abusive lout the better.
Please tell me that her dad wouldn't be daft enough to let this nasty piece of work to visit.
I just spoke to him and he
I just spoke to him and he has stated that he isn't going to allow him to visit either. Praying that this summer and time apart helps end them naturally!
PHEW! That's a huge relief to
PHEW! That's a huge relief to hear that!
That's great. Having
That's great. Having solidarity is a huge thing. Same rules both places should help a lot to send a clear message.
My heart hurts for her. I've
My heart hurts for her. I've had a partner who tried to ruin ANYTHING fun I did without him. From the smallest thing like brunch with friends to huge bucket list trips. If I went without him, he would find a way to upset me so that it was ruined. It didn't get any better over time. After the fact he would love bomb and gaslight me to the point I thought I'd imagined how badly he'd behaved. I have so, so many regrets for letting that go on.
I think you're absolutely doing the right thing by banning him from your home. You can't make them break up, but the more inconvenient the relationship is for him, the better. I'm sorry your trip was tainted by that asshole kid!
I advised you in your last
I advised you in your last post to break them up and not worry about your daughter hating you or being upset at you.
Now things have escalated from physical to narcissistic abuse.
He knew she wasnt doing anything but since he cant be part of the cruise, he ruined it by emotionally abusing her and then love bombed her right before coming back
The next step: isolation. Your daughter is going to start turning against you and your family to take his side and "protect him"
Your daughter is under a strong strong influence....if you dont act now, the wolf will devour the lamb
Your next card: the father needs to get involved. ESPECIALLY if you are not with the father. Your daughter might be seeking male attention and validation in the wrong place due to lack of strong male figures in her life....
I wish the best for this situation but its becoming scary from what you are telling us in your posts
Having raised two daughters
Having raised two daughters who, more than once, hooked up with unsuitable types, I can fully sympathize with your distress. I hope that I'm not stepping out of line when I question if your DD's damaged breast, as a result of her terrible accident at 14 years of age, has lowered her self-esteem to the point where she is willing to accept an abusive boyfriend? Perhaps that is a concern that could be addressed with her therapist.
The courage that she displayed after her near-death experience gives me to believe that your DD has the strength of character to ultimately break free of her bullying boyfriend. It’s also possible that the little shit will dump her for a new love interest; that’s the sort of behaviour one can expect from such a POS!
Hang in there Hon and please keep us posted; we are all here for you!
Granny - I had the same thought. There is a type of man that
Granny - I had the same thought. There is definitely a type of man that purposefully goes after women with low self esteem, especially when it concerns their body. I agree, I hope the therapist addresses this possibility.
You aren't out of line at all
You aren't out of line at all, and this is a huge concen for me as well.
I know she is a strong girl and will see the reality of this situation eventually, she is just figuring it out and I don't want a pattern of crap boys/men in her life. I want her to do and be better than I was.
It makes me so frustrated and
It makes me so frustrated and angry to just even read this. I can't imagine the emotions you're feeling. How much did your kids remember about your past relationship that ended badly? Maybe work it into a conversation about how things went badly for you so your daughter doesn't feel like she's being attacked while also giving her some home truths to munch on.
They remember enough. They
They remember enough. They saw it the last night when the physical got bad and we left. I tried to talk to her and compare how things started with exH2. The tall, dark and handsome man. Who slowly would start pulling me from family and friends. The emotional punishments that would last for weeks. The hate he would speak to me with. Then, when he thought I was alone in the world and dependent on him- physical abuse started, even that starts slow. Testing waters. Thankfully, my family is amazing and they were there waiting with open arms.
She tried saying it isn't the same and all I could tell her is that Yes, baby girl, it is exactly the same. This is how it starts and if he has learned this behavior at 16, you are going to be a severely abused woman before you leave high school.
Have you seen the series
Have you seen the series "Maid" on Netflix? Warning it is very emotional and raw. The premise is a woman who is in an abusive relationship with a man.. He is going out of his way to make sure she has no resources so she can't leave and her struggles there... She's a mother of a young child. He's made it so she has no income, no job, no car.. And solely to rely upon him so she can't leave. She tries to leave over and over but it just shows how hard it is to in that situation.
That was so good.
And so realistic.
Gee, I wonder if living in a society where women are frequently referred to as sluts/whores, criticized for their appearance, the way they dress, the sound of their voices, their sexual history, whether or not they choose to procreate, their lack of culinary/housekeeping skills, whether or not they choose to have a career, controlled on whether or not they are allowed to get needed medical care, public discussions about whether they should be allowed bodily autonomy, whether they are competant to make their own decissions, shamed for having periods, denial/trivialization/tolerance of workplace marginalization/discrimination/harassment, treating them as objects, etc, has anything to do with the abuse of women.
Everyone needs to think about their roles in this. People on this board frequently use the same words as that POS boyfriend.
My daugher was in an abusive cohabiting relationship in her twenties. All I could do is let her know that she was loved and she deserved better. Telling her to leave or criticizing her partner would not have worked. The only thing I could say was that she didn't deserve what was happening and it was not normal. But secretly, imo, it is all too normal. Once she got out of it, she said that was the only strategy that would have worked. Knowing her family was waiting for her was what she needed to get through.
Her father is a diagnosed narcissist with major misogynistic tendencies and she has been stuggling her whole life.
If I had a minor daughter living at home I would tell the boy's parents, for sure. And he would not be allowed in my home. Bring the school officials up to date on this topic and have them keep an eye on her at school. These texts should not remain private, he should be publicly shamed for what he did.
I agree that the texts should not remain private
I have told every man that was my boyfriend that I'm not a private person and I'm not the kind of woman that will say, "Oh I fell down the stairs." I'm the kind of woman that will say , "The SOB hit me."
When I was in my twenties, my roomate and I got up early to go to the gym. I came home to notes that read just like the texts saying I must be out whoring and sleeping around and that I probably went to the clubs last night and didnt come home, etc. I showed my grandparents that lived next door. My mom. My coworkers. EVERY SINGLE PERSON knew how he behaved and what he said. So guess what? HE is now on the sexual offender registry now in his late 40's. He's an abusive jerk all alone and divorced.