The dad's met. The kids stories do not match up.
So they dads met up yesterday afternoon/evening and had a chat and compared stories of what the kids had told their respective parent. A few examples of the varying stores are below.
Girl:
They didn’t have sex they were just rubbing parts together and somehow she ended up pregnant.
SS15:
It started off as heavy petting but then went into sex. I kept asking her if she was sure because she said she was a virgin and she said yes.
Girl:
I told him to wear a condom but he wouldn’t.
SS15:
I put it on, but it was cold and slimy and was slipping off anyway so I took it off.
Summary: girl can’t even admit to her dad she had sex. And SS15 is a damn idiot.
The dads have come to the following conclusion:
a) Keeping the baby is not an option either is willing to offer the kids. Neither has the maturity or financial means. Additionally neither one is jumping to their feet screaming ‘I want my baby’.
b) Neither dad is wanting the kids to choose the option of abortion.
c) The girl’s father has gone so far as to tell her that killing “it” and making “it” pay for her poor decisions was the ultimate in selfishness.
d) They both believe that adoption is the best answer. DH explained about his brother and SIL and called them at the girls fathers urging. BIL and SIL immediately stated they would adopt the child.
BIL also stated since SS would be able to see the child on a pretty regular basis it would only be fair for the mom to be able to see the child as well, an open adoption essentially. If this option gets chosen lawyers can work out the exact verbiage.
DH had several long chats with ss15.
SS15 is grounded for the foreseeable future for lying to his father. He knew when he told his dad he was going to “Tony’s” house that his dad believed it to be his friend Tony, who lives three blocks away. His dad did not know there was a “Toni” anywhere in the picture, on sidelines or even in existence. When ss was going to see her, he was riding his bike 3+ miles one way. (Inserting snarky comment here: the kid couldn’t ride his bike to his mothers because it was too far (not even two miles away) but can ride over 3 miles to chase tail… ).
Apparently the girl never told her dad anyone was over to the house after school at all.
DH sat both boys down and went over figures, average cost of pregnancy and delivery. Then added child support at minimum wage, plus child care, plus what he would need to provide for the kid at his house (yes his house not ours as he nor the child would be living here) rent, utilities, food, insurance etc etc.
Then DH plotted out for him how much roughly 18 years of child support would cost, factoring in hypothetical raises, better jobs, medical bills, extra curriculars etc.
The bill exceeded $500k. That was calculated with mom having primary custody and ss15 getting eowe. SS15 near shit himself. (SS17 walked into the bathroom and shoved three condoms into his wallet.) SS17 also thinks its total bullshit that there isn’t a bc shot for boys. That someone needs to make one.
SS15 was advised to talk to his girlfriend and for the two of them to figure out what they want to do.
Fathers decided if the girl chooses abortion, bill will be split 50/50 as both kids are responsible and the kids will pay for it.
If they choose adoption BIL and SIL will hire an adoption attorney immediately and as the adoptive parents pay for the pregnancy/birth. SS15 was all for that idea since someone else would be paying. He deflated like a balloon when DH advised him no, he wasn’t off the hook.
He is still required to get a job. He will still put 100% of his paycheck into a savings account until he has saved the cost of the pregnancy/birth. Then one of two things will happen
A) If the girlfriend chooses to terminate the pregnancy the money he has saved will be donated to a charity for teenage mothers or
b) If they choose adoption the money will be given to the adoptive parents to start a college fund for the kid.
DH wants the kid to FEEL the financial impact of his actions. No get out of jail card free. You will earn and give away the money, no matter the decision the girl makes, in the amount of what a pregnancy and delivery costs.
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Comments
WOW!! Glad DH is teaching his
WOW!! Glad DH is teaching his son a lesson. There are very few that actually make their kids suffer the consequences of Teen pregnancy. Kids these days think that parents should just do everything for them.
>>>>He is still required to
>>>>He is still required to get a job. He will still put 100% of his paycheck into a savings account until he has saved the cost of the pregnancy/birth. Then one of two things will happen
A) If the girlfriend chooses to terminate the pregnancy the money he has saved will be donated to a charity for teenage mothers or
b) If they choose adoption the money will be given to the adoptive parents to start a college fund for the kid.
That is freaking genius!! I LOVE this idea!!
Totally agree!!!!!
Totally agree!!!!!
"It's a whole lot easier to
"It's a whole lot easier to tell someone else to go ahead and give a child up for adoption, but the scars that leaves on the birth mother seem to be infinitely bigger in the long run."
I agree not to mention the scars it leaves on the child given up for adoption!! Far better to never even been brought into existence than to wonder every day of your life "why didn't my mother want me?"
^^^I agree with Amber. I've
^^^I agree with Amber. I've had many friends that were adopted and all struggle emotionally with the WHY and if they haven't yet connected with their birth parents, want to. I couldn't imagine growing up knowing that my mother just cast me off to someone else hoping they'd take good care of me and then just walked away, you know?
I had an abortion at 16. Was on the pill, also on antibiotics for a sinus infection. Was told of the risks. Didn't think it would happen to me. It happened. I wanted a future different than my mother's - she had me 9 days after she turned 16 and I saw her and my dad struggle financially and emotionally all my life. They divorced after I graduated high school.
Anyhow, glad to hear DH is stepping in and teaching his son the financial aspects of his mistake. He'll be working a long time to pay off either an abortion or birth...that's the real lesson he'll take from this experience. It's likely he'll never have a pregnancy scare again!
Yeah I get it since the baby
Yeah I get it since the baby is out there in the world somewhere. Every birthday, holiday, milestone just sits in the back of mom's mind wondering if her child is being abused, properly cared for, is happy, etc. I couldn't live with that. Hard enough to live with the fact that I didn't allow a child into the world at all, but the guilt of that is far less than the guilt of letting one go after birth.
Not me. My mother abused me
Not me. My mother abused me as a kid. I would have preferred if she didn't want me that she aborted me.
I agree the girls dad went
I agree the girls dad went over the top. That is his kid, his choice and there is nothing DH or I can do about it.
I would prefer the child be adopted out. That is my personal preference.
Bottom line: It is the girls choice.
Someone had asked about mom. Mom is apparently not involved/around/in existance. Not sure the who/what/where/when or why.
I think what your DH did as
I think what your DH did as far as parenting his son and teaching him a lesson was brilliant. I don't know that I really agree with the girl's father 100%, but I understand this is probably a very infuriating subject for him too. It's a shame her mom's not around.
Nothing you can do about how other people parent their kids .. but I think your DH did an excellent job in putting together a thoughtful punishment. It's only a shame these conversations happened after he already got a girl pregnant.
I would also be a little worried about this open adoption to close family .. I don't have any experience in this matter, but I get the impression this could turn into a nightmare in a few years.
As far as the abortion option
As far as the abortion option - that is an extremely personal decision.
I refuse to demand that others hold to my beliefs. Some people do feel like it is murder. Some people do not feel that it is anything. There is no answer - it's sort of like religion. What you choose to believe is what YOU choose to believe.
Abortion is the easy way out if one has no moral objection to it. Simple procedure. Over and done with. But if someone is going to carry guilt for years over it then it can be the wrong decision.
Same with adoption. Some will be happy that their child will most likely be raised in a loving home with good parents and that they will be able to meet the child as an adult. Others will be overcome with pain over not being with their child.
None of us can make that decision for another person. But I do not blame a parent in the world who refuses to raise a young teen's child. A parent owes a child a lot but that is not one thing that they should ever feel that they "have" to do.
I get this... I think it
I get this...
I think it depends on the person though. If they have no morality in them, than it is the "easy" way out. BM for example has had FOUR abortions. Ranging from the time she was 17 to most recently last year. It IS her easy way out.
I have also seen having an abortion cause severe depression, suicide attempts and have long lasting emotional side effects. So for some NO, there is nothing "easy" about it.
I think Old One was referring to the long term responsibility though, not necessarily the emotional repercussions. Any decision they make at this point will come with it's own set of mental, physical and emotional repercussions. Abortion... has the least amount of financial and physical obligations for all parties involved. Although it is hard on a young girls body... it isn't 9 months worth of pregnancy and enduring child birth. I don't believe Old One meant any disrespect by that comment. Not to speak for someone else, but that's just how I took it.
Maybe I should have said
Maybe I should have said "abortion can the easy way out IF ONE HAS NO EMOTIONAL ISSUES with it" or something like that. Because for some people - especially those who have one right away it is not much more than having a pap smear.
And that is a very, very big IF. But IF I would be traumatized for decades by it does not mean that someone else would.
I know some women who have had an abortion and even years later say they almost forgot it. It was a non issue in their life. So who am I to tell them they should FEEL different? Their body and mind.
And I came of age before Roe vs Wade and when being an unwed mother (50s, early 60s) was a fate worse than death. I don't think you can even imagine what it was like. A pregnant teen was immediately expelled. Hell a married woman teacher who became pregnant had to quit in most places.
So no I was never in a position that I needed an abortion as it would not have been available anyway.
But in spite of what I wrote above - I actually am very pro life. I just realize that not everyone has the same belief system that I do. I hate the thought of destroying an innocent child - yet I can acknowledge that many people do not see it that way.
A wallet is a horrible place
A wallet is a horrible place to keep condoms. They get hot and degrade.
I'm thinking they won't be in
I'm thinking they won't be in there long enough to be affected
I know it's crazy, but this
I know it's crazy, but this might be the best handling of a teen pregnancy I've ever even heard of.
Quote: SS15 was all for that
Quote: SS15 was all for that idea since someone else would be paying
This says to me that SS15 still hasn't fully weighed the consequences of his actions. However my concern falls to the girl he was "rubbing parts" with and what she will want to do. If this girl is anything like SS15, she is not fully prepared to make any kind of mature rational decision on an issue of this magnitude.
I just wanted to let you know
I just wanted to let you know that eventually this all can turn out to be a good thing. I got pregnant when I was 15 years old. Granted, I came from a bad family and I was already living mostly "on my own." It was very, very hard but we figured it out. Make sure you put it all in their laps and step back. Once they know they are the only ones responsible they will step up (or step out for an adoption.) I just turned 25 and I am working on my master's degree. Our child is.... smart and respectful and wonderful and my whole life....Our marriage may not have worked out because we were so young but I consider myself lucky. I am having the hardest time carrying and conceiving a child with my current FDH. I believe that everything happens for a reason and God only gives you what you can handle. THIS TOO happened for a reason that you just may not see yet. This may be this young girl's only chance at having a child. This may be the only chance your brother in law has to have a child. Things will work out. You have to set your boundaries (like you know how to do already) and LET GO! Things will work out ... I promise... just remember there's always a bigger picture than what you can see...I'm praying for yall... It is by no means an easy path but it made me who I am today. I'm sorry if I jumped around a lot... I had a lot of feelings towards this story that brought up memories of when people tried to force me into adoption and abortion and told me I would never finish school or become anything....
Your story is the exception
Your story is the exception to the rule. Just because things worked out for you does not mean it's going to work out for someone else.
At the same time, I don't think anyone should be forced into anything, be it adoption, abortion or keeping a baby. I don't regret for a second the two abortions I had, but I would not for a second make someone else feel bad for whatever choice they make.
Because ultimately, regardless of what decision is made, the girl is the one that's going have to live with it the rest of her life.
Wow - I think your DH handled
Wow - I think your DH handled that brilliantly. I wished the girl's father would have been a little more rational but whatever.
I had an abortion at a young age. My mother paid for it and made my BF do projects around the house to pay her back. She never told my father about it.
I had an abortion at 17.
I had an abortion at 17. Never once regretted it. Was it easy? No, not particularly. It was scary. But I knew that it was the right decision for me. I never even told my parents.
I agreee that the father is trying to guilt the girl in to going the adoption route. IMO, the young lady definitely and perhaps teh young man as well need to speak with a professional-without their parents present to really weigh their options here and decide what is best.
My dh is adopted and was lied
My dh is adopted and was lied to for 45 yrs tiI i finally urged him to ask. The damage to an adopted child is a lie. don' t see this as that type of adoption. Its not a hidden family secret.
dads approach to the girl is an emotional one and some day probably when the anger and disappointment is over he will realize that. Kids dontdon't come with a manual.