Adult Step Son - Lazy, 25 - I want him to leave
Hi,
I'm not alone on this one. So here it goes. I recently moved to the US to be with my husband (I'm from the UK). I moved around 3.5 weeks ago.
In 2017, his adult son asked if he could "stay for a few months to get back on his feet". As I didn't live there then (we married in 2017, note step son was NOT part of our plans).
Now it's been 3 years, still no job, and now I'm annoyed as I'm paying towards this man-child that I never agreed to (joint acount - considering seperating finances because of it).
My husband is very frustrated with him, I've purposely and passively been leaving his son out of things. His son thinks he has the right to have a say in decorating the house. Hmmmm no, not your house and I have been secretly choosing colours he doesn't like lol.
My husband is too easy on him, however, his son's been pushing his buttons lately. Should I let it go on and let him blow up at him and hopefully his son will leave?
I've informed my husband that I'm concerned about his sons medical bills and how I'm not happy paying them when he's no longer on our insurance in less than 12 months. I want to persue IVF so that's where the savings will go. But my husband says he have no obligation too and is saying he's on my side.
My husband lets his son use his card to get food in nothing extreme but I believe we should give him a low allowance as if he wants to be a child he can be treated like one.
Put it bluntly, I don't like his son taking advantage and want a deadline of if he doesn't get a job, he leaves.
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Comments
Take the card back and stop
Take the card back and stop giving this waster an allowance. Find out how to evict him. If he hasn't gotten back on his feet in 3 years it's not going to happpen now. He is WAY too comfortable - why would he look for a job when daddy lets him live like this?
Have yoy told your DuH how much of a turn-off it is to see him cater to an adult's needs as if he were a toddler?
So, it sounds like one of
So, it sounds like one of those cases where your DH really wants him out, too, but is too wimpy to do it. So he might support you if you are the big meanie. Give the adult son a deadline to be gone yourself, and enforce it. Take away his card. Give him no more money.
I'd have a hard time being the meanie, but if you don't have a hard time with it, go for it.
Op you have already made a lot of sacrifices
You've uprooted from your home country and moved to be with your DH. Now it's time to shove the fully adult child from the nest.
One poster and her husband used to lock their adult step son out of the house daily during work hours. He was to figure it out. I always thought that was brilliant. While I realize the pandemic complicated everything, don't let him use that as an excuse not to be out looking for a job especially if you are in an area that is opening up.
It does sound like your
It does sound like your husband is ready for him to go to. Give him 90 days (or less if you can). There is no reason for him to be living at home still. Time to make things as uncomfortable for him as you can.
If he has a nice size bedroom, move everything into storage in the garage. Turn it into a guest room. Make him sleep on an air mattress in the livingroom if you have to. Do anything and everything you can to make him WANT to leave.
Yes to a Guest Room
I want to make it our guest room, I have my parents who want to visit. I'm so angry about it and find it hard to sleep at night. I wish my husband would just lose it with him and kick him out. I'm be embarrassed if I had a kid like that. I've told DH that his other son isn't welcome due to this experience. It sounds mean but I'm not having two leeches with us.
DH's son has it too easy at
DH's son has it too easy at Daddy's house. Make it miserable for him to live there -- turn off the internet, give him a list of chores, stop the cash flow, and give him a deadline to find a job and get out. It will be a hard few months until he's gone (or maybe he'll couch surf with his friends if you're lucky).
Your DH should be embarrassed that he has enabled his son to the point of crippling him.
I agree with pp. make it
I agree with pp. make it uncomfortable for him. Make food he hates. Cut the internet. Require him to do all the cleaning or yard work. Etc. also just straight up tell him you have 6 months. Let's come up with a plan together to make that work.good luck.
Differences
So - I do not know how things run in the UK, but by the time I was 25, I had completed a 40year degree from university, had my drivers license, a car, and was in a full-time job.
This man-child needs to grow up, and thats his fathers job. To get his child to a place of independence. If your new husband doesnt want to do it or doesnt know how (because disney daddy), then you need to be the evil stepmonster and get the ball rolling.
Do NOt pick out colors he hates, unless you love them. You need to be less passive and more active. Cut the manchild off from household benefits as mentioned.
Give him 2 weeks to get a job, even parttime. If no job within 2 weeks, then he needs to move out. So - give the regular 30-day notice.
And for certain take that card away!!!!! If he needs something other than what is at the home currently, then he needs a job. You do NOT give a 25-year old an allowance!
yes, 100% separate finances
yes, 100% separate finances NOW. That's your very clear first step.
Additional
So SS is now playing world of warcraft 15 hours a day. My DH is at the end of his tether. I've told my husband that his son needs to stop treating our money like his (I get paid into another account right now) and that when he moves out, we can join finances but right now I'm committing to paying a third of the bills as husband will need to make up his sons part.
We want a baby in the future, I've said SS will need to go before a baby is here and his pet cats. I don't hate cats, just he doesn't really take care of them properly. We spoke to DH adult cousin and wife yesterday, so feeling like I have some back up as they agree its too long.
SS claims depression, but can play video games and bake some mediocre cookies etc..... I'd ask him to clean but I have high standards of cleaning but I don't clean up after his cats or him, just take care of my husband and I. If he is depressed, I told DH to push him to get treatment and get him out. I understand its his son, but even we have to cut family sometimes as I feel he's bringing him down. He can be rude but doesn't dare to me as I'm sure he knows I'll tear him a new one (I can have a sharp tongue lol) but it's not my responsibility, I feel SS mother needs to take some responsibility for what fell out of her vagina but of course she's no where to be seen. He tried to tell my DH how to poach fish the other day and argued with him over it not being in water (my husband was poaching in olive oil) and also asked if my DH knew how to cook some chicken. I sit there smirking as I know my husband will lose it so I either bind my time or enforce it. I'm going with enforce a date, I've explained to his cousin that I'm not willing to pay for him. Anyway rant over. Sorry!