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Chapter 2: Help Me Understand

JRI's picture

I posted last week because SD61's daughter, M, had texted asking if everything was ok with DH85 since SD61 told her he had only 6 months to live. I replied that the oncologist says he will live to 100 and die of something other than prostate cancer.

Well, SD61 was here today and was in a tizzy.  I heard DH85 on the phone with her today earlier and heard her voice raised.   She needed to come over to pay me her "rent".  She pulled up and honked.  I thought, here we go and told DH she was in the driveway.  He went out and I could hear both their voices raised.  They moved to the deck, more "discussion".  She came in and said "He has your money".  DH85 came in then and she started in, angry at me because her daughter, M, has cut her off again after texting with me.  I said, wait a minute and read her the exact text where my response to M after she was angry about SD was, "how are you and the baby?"  In other words, nothing commenting on SD.

So then she started on DH85, supposedly, when they spoke the other day, he sounded disoriented, called her by dead BM's name, told her he could die at any time, could be six months or a year or whenever, that she would be evicted when he died.  I'm not sure what he told her but honestly, he (like everyone) could die at any time and yes, she will probably have to move once he dies since I won't be able to afford our supplement which he's paying now.  I told her, "SD, he's 85 and we are seeing changes" as I pointed to my head.  He was standing right there and we both know its true.

She kept ranting on, how she's having "trauma dreams", how DH should call M and smooth it all over, etc.  (Her problems with M are long-standing and made worse by SD draining all M's college fund forcing M to finance her education with student loans).  How she tried to reach him but he didn't answer his cell and she called our landline repeatedly which I seldom answer, how she was so distraught, thought he was dead and we were in mourning, considered calling the police for a welfare check.  I told her it was between her and M and that I couldnt make DH or her do anything, ie, its not my circus, not my monkey. She was irritated at me and said, "She's not interested!" (correct) and " All she cares about is the money (rent)!" (correct).  

She stomped out of the house and DH followed her to her car.  I heard her scream, " You ruined my life!" before peeling out.  He came in and I said,  "The drama never ends".  

Just another day at Chez JRI, folks.


Shieldmaiden's picture

Sorry JRI. That's horrendous. Whatever happened to respecting one's elders? You and your DH shouldn't have to deal with this right now. Ugh. SD is a mess. 

CajunMom's picture

I'm so sorry, JRI. I cannot imagine doing this to anyone let alone my SM. I've told you before...I am her age. Glad you can stand strong with that nutcase. 

Ispofacto's picture

Play a tiny violin while reading this.

She's in a panic, not because her darling daddee might die someday, but because she just realized her drug money is gonna run out.  She's hoping if she throws a big enough tizzy, jeebus will take pity on her and save her from withdrawal by giving her a winning lottery ticket without actually buying one.


JRI's picture

My son who was present in another room said he thought she was on something today.  Whatever....

AlmostGone834's picture

I second this. She doesn't care about her father. All she cares about is that the $$$ train will come to a end if something happens to him. Ridiculous! At her age, harassing her elderly father. Good for you for laying it out there for her. Time for a wake up call. She can go make plans to sponge off someone else. 

Merry's picture

What a great way to treat your 85-year-old Dad. One minute he's going to die and the next minute she's screaming at him and blaming him for her screwed up life.

caninelover's picture

And I'm rarely speechless.  So sorry for you and DH.

SeeYouNever's picture

She drained her own daughter's money and is now losing it over potentially losing the funds from daddy too, what a piece of work! Some people never grow up.

grannyd's picture

Hey, JRI,

My five sibs and I are grateful for every day that our dad (in his mid-nineties) continues in good health. He is so deeply loved and respected that I cannot imagine any of us insulting or provoking him in any way, let alone causing the kind of distress dished out by your thankless step-daughter. 

Two weeks ago, my sibs and I gathered at the family home to finally scatter our mom’s ashes and it was wonderful to experience Dad’s unconditional love and to treasure the robust hugs that he delivers so fondly.

JRI, I often wonder how you manage to restrain yourself when confronted by the utter selfishness and greed of that nasty piece of work aka your step-daughter. The loss of her loving and tolerant father (may it be many years in the future, Hon) will be the wake-up call that she so richly deserves! Who knows, maybe she’ll be obliged to finally turn her hand to some honest employment, rather than leeching off the father that she’s used and abused for decades?

JRI's picture

Your family's gathering sounds very touching.  How long ago did your mom pass?

I guess I'm somewhat numb to SD after all these years and after all her antics.  The only positive is that she's so predictable.  If any situation can be dramatized, or made worse, you can count on her to do it.

grannyd's picture

Thanks for asking, JRI. Mom died nearly 3 years ago but her surviving six (of eight) children were too devastated by her death to face the strewing of her ashes any sooner than on the occasion of her birthday, 22 October. Our mother was an amazing woman, pretty much worshipped by her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. 

I’ve seen, close up, the disruption and pain that a druggie can do to a family and often wonder if poor character leads people to drugs or whether drug addiction destroys character. Either way, no person with a long-standing addiction to drugs can maintain any integrity. Your SD is a lost cause. What a shame, that she continues to plague her father who is deserving of far better treatment from his only daughter! 

Rags's picture

topic answer is both.  Those of character are far less likely to become drug abuses because they are far less likelty to start in the first place.  Once the seal is broken, even in the case of high character individuals who become drug abuses via medical applicaitons of highly addictive substances for example, drugs drive degradation of character.

My feelings tend to be far more aligned with the family victims than with the addicts.  The peripheral victims have no way to fix it, nor do they cause it.

IMHO of course.

PetSpoiler's picture

She has no idea how blessed she is at 61 to still have one of her parents around.  I'm fortunate to still have my mom at 46, but I'm sitting here crying now over the way SD is treating your DH.  What I wouldn't give to have one more day with my own father.  I was 25 when he died.  I still miss him every day.  I still cry for him.  She knows the loss of a parent.  She should appreciate that her dad is still here.  Instead she's worried about the gravy train running out.  Shame on her! 

JRI's picture

One positive coming out of this is that we probably won't see her or hear from her for awhile, I'm guessing a couple weeks.  I predict we will hear from her, as if nothing happened, the week before Thanksgiving.  She will be fishing for an invitation, we usually go out somewhere.  Another reason for the contact will be the usual holiday crisis mode, she starts stressing about the season the week before Thanksgiving, ramps up the next couple weeks and peaks at Christmas.  Sigh.....

justmakingthebest's picture

JRI, I don't know how you have done this for so long. 61 and is still acting like an entitled teenage. It's just exhausting. 

I'm so sorry your husband is having cognitive challenges. I am seeing that with my mom too. She is only 65 but had cancer and chemo really did a number on her. It's really hard to have conversations with her now and she won't remember most, if anything we talk about. My dad thinks she may be looking at a dementia diagnosis sooner than later. 

I hope your SD just leaves you and her dad alone and let him live his years in peace. 

JRI's picture

SD61 loves drama and I'm pretty sure we have some real life drama coming our way soon with DH's decline.  But, she will be the last person I ever call because she makes every situation worse.  I've tried in the past to talk to her adult-to-adult about some of his issues but she invariably starts crying.  So, unfortunately for her, she won't be involved with his drama.  As a matter of fact, when he passes, I'm having one of the others call her.  Handling her emotional outbursts will be too much on top of everything else.

lieutenant_dad's picture

SD doesnt love drama. She loves the sympathy that comes from drama manufactured by her.

It's important to see the difference here. If she thrived on drama, she'd actually be present and helpful to you all because it would feed her. But she isn't because what she needs is people to feed into her own victimhood.

I think it's smart to put one of her siblings or kids on information duty so that you don't have to deal with her. I have been trying to convince my mom for years to take a similar approach to SSis. When my SF was in the hospital during COVID (I think after his stroke), SSis tried to make it all about her and her problems because she left her DH at the same time. My mom was petrified about my SF, but there she was trying to smoothe things over for SSis and bail her out of her own mess, AND be her emotional support because SSis was "so distraught" about her "Daddy" (yes, she is nearly 40 years old and calls him Daddy) that she was having a breakdown. I eventually made my mom give me her number and I kept SSis in the loop because I couldn't keep watching my mom try and juggle her.

JRI's picture

She doesn't love the drama, it's the sympathy and pity she craves.  I'm thinking of 3 dramatic situations where she could have been present (and DH asked her) but didn't show because there was no sympathy for her.  1)  .My sister died.  She didn't show up at the 1-day service..  2)  After my sister's death, we needed help to remove all her stuff from her nursing home.  No show altho OSS and DIL came.  DIL was on her lunch hour from work.  3)  We called her when stranded at night on a highway.  No answer.




CLove's picture

Im sorry you are going through this JRI. Hell-i-days are hard.

Judester's picture

JRI...I am so sorry SD is acting like this.  She is just trying to find someone to blame for her own issues.  Sadly, I see my DH's SD showing up with her hand out too someday if something should happen to him. It's just a shame that you have to continue going throught this.  My heart goes out to you.  You guys deserve to live in peace.