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Are the holidays difficult for you?

JRI's picture

December is far and away my most difficult month.  The stepdrama is increased thousand-fold and for so many years, I did way too much.

Whenever I confide this to people, they often seem so relieved to share they feel the same.  I think we are socialized to show happiness, no matter the emotional, financial or workload stress.  Of course, there are also people who enjoy the holidays, thank goodness.

So, please share how you feel about the holidays.  And, may we all get thru it peacefully.


JRI's picture

With DW interviewing for a hopefully less-pressure job and your son coming home, this is a good Rags year.

Rags's picture

Not to be ... that .... guy. But, I have never had even a single day that was entirely bad. At least something about every day has been good. Whether that is laughter through tears at a funeral for a friend of relative, etc... 

When my mom's dad passed, the VFW WW 2 Veterans in the honor guard were to do the fired 21 gun salute. As we carried his coffin out of the church down to the grave, one of the old men in that honor guard was about 30feet from the grave peeing at the base of a tree. We all lost it in tears of laughter. All of his grand sons and a couple of his nephews were his palbearers.  

In an also comic event at my mom's mother's funeral, the same palbearers carried her coffin from the church to the grave side.  We made a tactical error. All of the tall GrandSons and nephews were on one side and the short ones were on the opposite side. My mom and my aunt (her sisters) started laughing as they commended that their mother would spend eternity on her side since she probably rolled to one side of her coffin to the short side palbearers on the walk down.

A day upon occassion that sucks and is mostly a disaster, absolutely. But never one that entirely was bad.

Naive, yep. But... it works for me.



JRI's picture

There's always something positive.

Kes's picture

I am in the UK, so we don't have Thanksgiving.  However, we obviously have Xmas and I find it very stressful.  Added to the fact that earlier this year SD27 sent me an abusive, insulting email and badmouthed me to DH, so I have said I will not host her here this Xmas (the SDs usually come for one day, not an overnight).  

Like you, (and I would suspect), most women, we feel pressure to make it all perfect for the family.  Even with the SDs not coming, I am hosting my two daugters and their families, so there will be 8 of us.  I try nowadays to make the catering as simple as possible but even so, it is a strain.  I am 65 and have a badly arthritic knee - standing for long puts a strain on it, and I am basically cooking for 3 days. I will be so glad when it is all over. 

JRI's picture

I used to cook, too, on top of the decorating, shopping and hosting and that was while working FT and going to nite school.  It's exhausting.  I hope you can rest that knee and that everyone appreciates your good cooking.

DPW's picture

Are the holidays difficult for me?

Terribly. My mother and I did not share much positive but we did share Christmas. She always gave me the best Christmas possible even though we were poor and she was a single mother to an only child. Since she passed 20 years ago, the holidays have just gotten worse and worse for me. There is no joy, no magic, ... I've spent Christmas with other family, friends, partners with and without their children, alone (which is now what I prefer or with partner not doing family stuff) and it's all lost on me now. I don't even gift give anymore these past few years. 

But I as the years go by, I'm able to put on a better front about it all and not be so emotional about it. My "fake it until you make it" approach has been working better for me throughout the years than being upset about it all. I guess I've become the Grinch... sad, really, I used to love it so much. 


JRI's picture

I wish I could understand exactly why the holidays are so difficult for us.  I think it has something to do with all the ads showing idealized people, homes and situations.  I hope you have a peaceful holiday, DPW.

DPW's picture

Ditto, JRI. 

Yes, the "perfection" of the holidays visuals all around us. All b.s., lol. 

* grumble *



shamds's picture

So often around xmas or new yrs weekend me and hubby plan a mini getaway with our 2 kids. Adult ss stays home and sd's live in another state so do their thing.

there is no option for hubby to do a getaway and bring his kids along, this is strictly our time and we definitely will not have his daughters (the miniwives) around

JRI's picture

My ex's bday was December 31, too.  I'm glad you have a getaway every year because it seemed like by the time Dec 31 came, everyone was too exhausted to celebrate.   Happy early bday, Shamds!

shamds's picture

Close with as shenis the sibling just below him, her birthday is new yrs.

so often months beforehand our spouses have planned a mini getaway. Hubbys family always did an end of yr family holiday and some of his siblings are so stingy they don't wanna take any annual leave and complain why can't we do family day during new yrs eve and new yrs day so they don't need to take any days off work

hubby tells them off, he's funding about 80-90% of this trip (accommodation and food), the least they can do is not be so damn selfish and take 1-2 days off or they can not come.

But he makes it very clear how selfish they're being expecting our spouses to cancel on accommodation etc for our birthdays that were planned months in advance and we shouldn't have to be celebrating our birthday weekends with inlaws when we wanna do an intimate spouse romantic getaway.

I'm lucky hubby acts on this firmly

JRI's picture

Sounds like it would be more fun with just the 2 of you anyway.  Have a wonderful time!

shamds's picture

Longer working in snr management, when his family can no longer attempt to benefit off him, he's on his own and he knows this. But he tolerates his family for the sake of his elderly dad.

1 sil and her daughter and 2 nieces with their kids and spouses are unruly, self centred and lack etiquette but family turn a blind eye to them

Merry's picture

I used to love the holidays, until the obligatory trips to Skidville started. We're not going this year because I told DH I just couldn't do it again. Then he got sick and we can't travel.

SS is making noises to come to our house, and that is fine. But given DH's health and all my energy devoted to him right now, there are no decorations or gifts and there will be none. 

Its a time of year to just get through. And that makes me sad. 

JRI's picture

I'm hoping your DH has healing.  We are in a similar situation - DH is 85 and has health issues.  My house is not set up for entertaining at this point.  We are doing what must be done, hopefully, our families can adjust to the reality.  Here's hoping you have a quiet, peaceful holiday with your dear DH.

AlmostGone834's picture

hopefully, our families can adjust to the reality. 

I should certainly hope so!! My God what is this world coming to? The fact that you have a doubt in your mind makes me so sad. Like I said, it's not about the tree, plgifts, food or decorations. It SHOULD be about seeing the ones you love. Or maybe I'm just crazy?? You just being there should be enough for them!

JRI's picture

You're not craxy but sometimes our stepworld is...

AlmostGone834's picture

Christmas is the absolute worst. There's many reasons I dislike it but off the top of my head...

The Christmas commercials, especially the car commercials. They are so out of touch with reality. (What lunatic just goes out and buys a car without their spouse's knowledge?) I was watching a Walgreens commercial last night where two girls and their mom are arrive back home to their apartment. The youngest girl is sad because they don't have any lights around their windows like the other apartments do. So the other girl goes "mom give me your phone" and she goes on a mini shopping spree buying lights and other decorations. I don't know why but it just annoyed me. 

The stress Christmas puts on women. We are the ones responsible for making sure gifts are bought and wrapped, the house is decorated, cookies are made, meals are planned, activities are scheduled etc. It IS exhausting. 

At Christmas there are the givers and the takers and it becomes so evident who is who. My parents for example are givers. They spend way to much on everybody and there's a certain few people in my family who all too happy to take from them. It makes me sick tbh. For example, my parents spend $$$$ on our Christmas dinner. We are talking prime rib and lobster for over 20 people. It's insane. They aren't wealthy. But everyone shows up with their forks and knives with no offers to help in anyway. I told DH that I will not bring 2 people (let alone 4) without contributing so I'm giving them enough money to cover the cost of feeding us. Another example: on Christmas DH will have the whole spread of gifts laid out for the princess. Will she even bother to bring a card for her dad? Nope. He will get nothing, just like he gets nothings for Father's Day and his birthday. You'd think he would eventually see this is BS.

I can't stand most of the new Christmas music. When I hear it, all I picture is some glittery celebrity dancing on stage while fake snow falls around them. The old songs I like. The songs that were made back when Christmas meant something. "I'll be home for Christmas" is one of my favorites. Imagine a time when all you wanted for Christmas was to see your brother who is fighting overseas (instead of a fancy new IPhone)? Ugh. If I have to hear Mariah Carey one more time...

The meaning of Christmas is completely lost. Even if you're not religious, the holiday is about being a better person, helping those in need, and appreciating what you have. Not about spoiling mouthy kids who already have way too much. 

The forced happiness. Some people are struggling. I mean REALLY struggling and that doesn't end just because it's Christmas. Aside from the problems we deal with having stepkids, some people are sick, dealing with a family tragedy, fighting addiction, poverty, depression, divorce, etc etc. Having all the Christmas "cheer" forced upon you may be painful. 

Christmas starts in October and lasts through December. That's 3 months. A quarter of the year. It's too much. AND it encroaches on my favorite holiday: Halloween.




JRI's picture

I really believe the constant commercials contribute to the holiday unhappiness since they spread such a false, but alluring, image that none of us can live up to.

When you talk about your parents providing a lavish spread, I was thinking, " People give what they, themselves, value most". In my family, SD61 gives trinkets, OSS59 gives useful household appliances and his installation labor, DS58 gives electronics, DD56 gives insightful things connected to our hobbies, YSS55 gives sports-related things, GD gives pets, etc.  So, I'm guessing your parents really appreciate good food and want to share it with loved ones.  Sounds delicious!

AlmostGone834's picture

Good food is definitely one of their favorite things! But that is just the tip of all the giving that they do, and not just at Christmas. They are just overall very giving people and sadly some (not all of course or even most) are all too willing to take advantage of their generosity.

I also wanted to add that I am in no way against giving gifts and keeping the spirit of Christmas alive and the magic of Santa, especially for thelittle kids. I just think a lot of it is ridiculously overdone.

Cover1W's picture

I used to really like the holidays. Not love but really enjoyed them. Until SDs turned and DH decided that what I liked and enjoyed didn't really matter. He just reiterated that several weeks ago in so many terms. So my fun was chipped away.

I used to listen to holiday music, decorate,  cook, throw a get together, go shopping for holiday paper and stocking stuffers and have a lovely lunch out, but no more. I bake cookies, give them away, might listen to some holiday music while making them if no one is here. I do go out with friends still, and am today, but usually only once. I need DH to also have fun and he's so wrapped up in angst about SDs he cannot experience happiness for himself. So he's on his own. 

JRI's picture

Your DH sounds like he's in a no-win situation where he's upset about the SDs yet he's antagonizing you so he doesnt have you, either.   The holidays are so hard on everybody.

Birchclimber's picture

My holidays begin to go down hill around the end November.  My YSD, my YSGD and my to GGSkids all have their birthdays 3 days in a row at the end of November.  This puts damper on things, because it takes our focus away from Christmas prep and puts it back on the Drama people.  Normally we don't even get a thank you for the Cards/Gifts that we send, and if we do, it is usually directed solely towards my DH.  This puts me in a foul mood because then we have to go buy these ingrates a Christmas gift! 

This year, when DH and I went Christmas shopping for everyone on our list, we picked out everything together for everyone, except for his kids/grandkids/great grandkids.  I didn't have them on my list.  He never dared to mention them to me while we were shopping and he didn't go looking for anything for any of them by himself either.  He was really good about helping me pick out things for my family, so by the time we got back in the car to go home, I was feeling guilty that he had nothing for them after a full day of shopping.  I wasn't feeling guilty about the prospect of them not having anything, just to be clear!!!  I was feeling sad for him, and for the fact that he didn't mention their names even once for fear of making ME upset.

SOOO, once again, Birchclimber (feeling badly for DH) to the rescue.  I went online and purchased all of the sgkds gifts, a couple of TOKEN gifts for his DDs ( (should have been coal)Santa says that they have behaved EXCEPTIONALLY bad this year!!!), and then I went out and bought stuff for the SGGSKIDS.   DH was very grateful.  I, as much as I hate the situation, I felt better because it gave him relief and it made him happy.   He really is a good man.  I want him to be happy.   I see him trying to make all of the wrongs right, now that he has seen the light, and he does deserve my support while he's trying.

DH said his intention was to send them money if I had not done that but I have told him that they will NEVER see the color of our money again.  From now on, if a gift is to be given, it's going to be something that is purchased and more of a memento type of gift.  Something like a keepsake that they can remember us by.  This is my code for: You're not entitled to cash from this household.  Not now, not ever!

Christmas used to be one of my favorite holidays.  I do love Halloween too, but there is something about all of the pine and snow and Christmas lights and fireplaces and holiday cookies that would make me all warm and fuzzy inside.  I loved buying gifts for people who I love and who love me back!  I loved turning on all of my Christmas lights in the house and wrapping those gifts while a Christmas scented candle fills the air with the aroma of cloves, cinnamon and spruce, and Christmas tunes play in the background.  I've always been a sap that way.  I still do this today, but a lot of the time is spent wrapping gifts for step kids and recalling all of the nasty things that they have put us through throughout the year.  That doesn't exactly lend itself to reveling in the Christmas spirit.  It just gets me in a foul mood.  Then I start to second guess whether I am wrapping their gifts nicely enough.  Is the bow perfect?  Do the seams match?  I don't want them to say that I just did a slam-bang job because it was for them.  I end up spending more time wrapping their gifts then I do for the others!  More resentment follows. 

What I am grateful for, is the fact that we haven't had to sit through a Christmas visit with them (or any visit for that matter) since 2019.  What I am anxious about, is that some year, that is going to change, and that Christmas Visit tradition will be back in place.  I should enjoy their lack of physical presence, while I still can.

I don't know if anyone is going to read all the way through this, but I do feel better just putting it into words.  I feel as though maybe, those feelings have a little less power over me all of the sudden.  Is that weird or is that what venting does?  It is like a release valve has just been turned and has released some of the built up pressure inside!  I'm saddened that I actually have allowed these people in my head space enough to put a damper on something that I used to enjoy so much.  That's not right.  

Thanks for posting JRI.  I needed to get that one out and I feel a little better...I think.  I may even attempt to bake!


JRI's picture

When you mentioned momento gifts, I was flashing back to when SD61's kids were small.  She was very obsessive about their gifts, would tell us what to get.  One stressful year, I bought what she told me to for her son.  But a week later, she told me to return it and instead get xyz.  I was so fried up that year, I cant even remember how I responded.

I liked to buy her kids books but she would return them.  So, I fixed that.  I'd inscribe them in large script, "Merry Christmas, GD, from Grandpa and Grandma!"  No.more returns, lol.

Noway2b1's picture

Both from my past life (last marriage) of 25 years and the ungrateful skids I had then. To the ones I have now. The thing is, I'm even feeling like dialing back with my own. I'm just burnt out and need a reset or break. I told DH I want to take a trip one year. During Xmas and just tell the kids "No gifts this year, we ARE spending your inheritance" my kids would clap, his would accuse him of "abandoning the family" which is their go to for all their issues and poor decisions. Funny though, he fought tooth and nail to get custody of them. They seem to forget that though. 

JRI's picture

I get angry for your DH whenever they pull that stuff.  He battled to get custody of all of them and got it!  Back in the day, it was so unusual for a dad to request it and even more so for a judge to grant it.

Yes, I fantasize about an escape, too.  I visualize myself on a cruise (except I dont think I'd like the enforced closeness with the other passengers).   Lol.

CajunMom's picture

I have always loved Christmas and have some great memories of my youth, and with my own bio kids. I loved decorating the yard, putting up the tree (with my ornaments having special meanings), shopping for the perfect gifts for family and friends (note I did not say the most expensive), celebrating my faith and the special magic of Santa. Many, many years of good memories.

Then I entered StepHell. The outrageous gift buying and the insults or Passive Agressive BS when it wasn't exactly what SK wanted. Oh, and the snide remarks of one getting "more" than the others. 12 years of the BS. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

While 2018 was a horrible year for me, it did bring one blessing. I would no longer need to celebrate holidays with DHs kids. I've slowly regained my Christmas and this year it's full on. The yard is beautifully decorated (my son helped DH with the lights), and a new tree, loaded with lights and ornaments. Our gifts are simple, nothing is equal amongst the recipient's gifts and everyone will be happy. Menu is done. I've tapped into my faith these past few years in my healing journey so that's our focus. Celebrating my faith and the birth of Christ with a small group of family and friends and recognizing the best gifts are ourselves to each other.

Ah....finally got my beloved Christmas holday back.

Noway2b1's picture

Is important. I did in 2019 and feel another coming on. Between DH and I it's a lot of grandkids and I feel like we both are getting sucked into something I don't enjoy. Obligatory gift giving. I am going to think this over and see how things go the next year or so. 

JRI's picture

I think you're on the right track, CajunMom.

Yesterdays's picture

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love the time spent with my kids and my husband. I've never felt stressed about it. This year is a bit different because I did stress a bit about my estranged step son and what is going to happen if he says he wants to come here. It's going to be completely up to my husband to tell him no and explain the reason if required. I'll leave it all up to him to deal with so I'm not too concerned. 

Yesterdays's picture

I was debating on giving them an idea to get an Air bnb in a nearby little town and they could do some hiking and whatnot.. But I'm stuck on knowing whether I should say anything at all. Partly because I don't want to get involved at all. 

Winterglow's picture

As long as he knows and understands that his son is not to enter your home, I would say nothing. 

OTOH, I'm not very subtle and might just say something along the lines of "I hope you're not thinking of springing your son on me at Xmas ... because someone might die."

reedle2021's picture

Holidays were unpleasant for me when I was married and in stephell with the unemployed, codependent losers.  I was always given an expensive gift list from SS, up until he was 21 years old (I left at that time).  Was he ever grateful or even nice to me?  Nope.  I'm not saying I need my butt kissed for getting him gifts, but treating me with some shred of respect would have been nice.  But then, his dad never did, so.....  I got to the point where I hated Christmas because of the stress of getting manchild's every need tended to else he or his daddy would get upset and I would be accused of "being selfish."  I also hated Christmas because I was not allowed to go visit my parents (my dad is now passed) or my siblings, nieces and nephews because "it's too far to drive, we're your family now," referring to himself and manchild.  The few times my ex came along to my mom and dad's house, he sat in the car, smoked pot and slept in the car.  It was disgraceful. Or he would sit on the couch and ignore everyone and pout because he had to be there (even though I told him he didn't have to go).  What a f&cking sh&tshow. Then he would b&tch about how my family "didn't like him."  WTF.

This is my first Christmas single.  My divorce was finalized a few months ago.  My ex showed up at the divorce hearing trying to get the judge to put the divorce on hold because he wanted to "contest it" and to get alimony - he had no attorney and was nearly laughed out of the court room by the judge and me and my attorney.  It was almost sad. 

I am much, much happier and enjoying the holidays more.  I am somewhat sad as I regret all the time I missed and that I didn't get more time with my dad before he passed away.  I have a lot of guilt about that.  But overall, so much happier, no stress and I can enjoy myself and my family. 


Date someone with kids?  NOPE.

JRI's picture

You richly deserve a peaceful holiday.  I'm glad you were able to accomplish your divorce this year.  It's a traumatic experience but it's over now.

reedle2021's picture

Thank you!  Smile

Yes, it has been rough but the worst is behind me now. 

You also have a nice holiday!  Smile

reedle2021's picture

Thank you!  Smile

I'll definitely be staying around on this site to support others the way I was supported!  Smile

Take care and enjoy your holiday!


CLove's picture

In a word word, yes. However, that being said, historically they were MUCH more difficult. For whatever reason, Im stressing and in a bit of a funk, but am also a bit happier.

There is so much pressure, especially for women without children and grandchildren. Ive been in a funk and those stupid commercials with santa and presents and children waking up Christmas day just exacerbate that. I used to love Christmas as well. Stressing over not feeling like Im prepared and stressing over feral forger, as well as my mother not being happy and being fagile with her health. Stressing over not seeing my neice and nephew (they are over 3 hours away...and brother wont zoom)

Plus, I havent been spending time with friends, havent been to the gym or on the trail, I stay home and we watch movies or yellow stone-now 1833-now 192something, and I feel like a big zero wrt to christmas.

BUT, I have my health, the tree is up and beautiful, Ive decorated a little, and am saving oodles of money not going out and not buying expensive presents that wont be appreciated. AND I havent heard a word about ff. Not from husband and not from SD16 PS.

JRI's picture

Health, tree, decorations, not shopping - all good.  I'm trying to do the same, hoping SD61's Friday event doesn't blow up all over me but so far, so good.

Rags's picture

if not many struggle with.

Not sure why I have the perpective that I do on this. But... I do.  I make it a point to make sure in every way I can that I am positive and supportive of a good holiday for the people in my life.  Mine are always good and joyous because that is my choice.  Even when I have been hit in a economic downturn and lost a job, etc, etc,, etc.....  

Including my work team. All 80 of them that I am responsible for.  Not a possible goal, but I do make the effort.

It is a bang my head on a brick wall thing when I announce an end of year bonus for everyone and an unannounced service bonus based on tenure with the company.  There are always the usual players that bitch, moan, and whine that it should have been more or.... that so-n-so got more, whaaaaaaa.

Cray 2

First, everyone got the same holiday bonus.  Second, 'yes dumb ass. so-n-so has been with the company for 5yrs, you have been with the company for 18mos.  It is called a SERVICE BONUS!!! you dipshit. Get your ass back to work and STFU.' (Rags mental conversation of course. Not what I actually said.)

I think that part of my mostly successful effort in this arena is that i do not know the death dates of anyone in my family or origin or extended family.   I find it interesting that my IL clan all know by heart, almost a genetic knowledge thing, when people have died going back multiple generations.  There are some key death dates that fall near the Dec holidays. My MIL's first DH/DW's never met bio dad being a primary example.  DW never met him. He was killed in a single car car accident about 3 days before my MIL found out that she was pregnant with my DW.  Yet... DW gets morose this week every year over someone who she has never know. My MIL always calls DW on this day. Who the hell does this to their kid?  Even their adult kid.


This oddity increases when her Aunt (MIL's sister) piles on with 'my DH passed six months to the day before the day your BioDad passed.'  I point out that falacy.  DW's Uncle passed 39 years and 6mos after DW's never met BioDad died. Not only did the Uncle NOT DIE on the same day, he did not even die in the same month, same calendar quarter, same half of the year, same decade, same century, or same millenium. 


For whatever reason my family is not and never has been death obsessed. Even with losing my baby brother.  I did not know his death day until my youngest nephew was born on my baby bro's birthday and my parents mentioned how the baby's birthday was always a happy/sad day for them. It was just not something that I had thought about nor was it something my parents put on my surviving younger brother and me.

DW's clan, marks just about constantly throughout the year that so-n-so died on this day (decades before my DW and any of her sibs and cousins were born) in  a different month the same day # of that month when so and so died in a different century........  They know  this collectively.

 I find it counter productive to the intent of joyous holidays and a basic happy life perspective.  

My BBB (Beautiful Blessing of a Bride) is fortunately not so obessed with the IL clan genetic death obsession that it costs her more than a day or so of Holiday enjoyment lost to holiday depression. But it does surface like clockwork periodically throughout the year.  I just mostly bite my tongue, say i am sorry she is sad, and try to not let what is going on in my brain on the topic show on my face.

So I can get back to making the Holidays as happy as I can.  Or any day for that matter.



la_dulce_vida's picture

This year had some stress as my partner and I negotiated the terms of a better Christmas this year - our first year living together and our 4th Christmas as a couple. Last year, he had moved into this house but I still lived a couple hours away in the town were we met.

The problem is that last Christmas we took on too much. My 2 sons and a good friend came up for Christmas Eve and it was perfect. The next day, his family (daughter, sister and nephew) came up for one night but my sons stayed a 2nd night. All the socializing the first night burnt us out, so my BF didn't have the bandwidth for his family (and mine was still hanging around). We're both introverts but he's moreso. I should have known it was too much. Also, my youngest son is 26 and is Autistic. He's high functioning but a bit of a princess. He likes his home comforts and can come off as complaining if everything isn't up to his usual standards (eye roll).

This year, BF's family is coming Christmas Eve (same group), and my older son is coming Christmas morning. Youngest son is staying home and spending Christmas with his dad so he can sleep in his own bed. I had a LOT of guilt about "excluding" my younger son, but it's true that he is not flexible and was not comfortable sleeping on a cot last year.

One other issue last Christmas was my BF hanging the stocking for his late wife. Before anyone piles on about how I should "understand" - nope. He had been with me for 2.5 years at that time and we're discussing marriage. She'd been gone nearly 7 years and had never lived in this house. I know he was just being a dude and hung the 3 nameless stockings while I was back at my house. But, he bought this house with my input and the plan that WE would live here. We sorted it out and this year we have two (nameless) but unique stockings hung on the fireplace - as it should be.

The last two things are resolved, but the only low-key stressful item is that his 33 year old daughter cornered me at Thanksgiving to inquire if I was still "seeking marriage." Ummmmmm, how awkward. Honestly, I'm NOT seeking marriage, but it's not really any of her business and if she wants to know she needs to ask her dad. However, put on the spot, I tried to explain that her dad and I are very happy and there is no urgency on the topic as I like what we're doing. She gave her opinions on marriage (she's anti-marriage) and wondered if we were so happy why would I want anything more. I said that her dad and I have discussed it and if we go that route I hope she'll be supportive. She said it's none of her business but I know her dad cares about her opinion because right now she's set to inherit everything - which is cool. I don't want any of his assets but I DO want him to put in his will that I can live here for as long as I like after he's gone. I can support myself.

So, I'm not looking forward to her being here at Christmas, until now. I don't want the topic brought up again. She's never been a problem the whole time we've been together. But, I'm ready. I will tell her that it's the holidays and not the time to discuss this but she should ask these questions of her dad. Either she trusts him or she doesn't. If he trusts me, she should trust him. End of conversation.

JRI's picture

Sounds like you are still in transition time but you're navigating it ok.  Carolyn Hax says, "Two things about transitions: they're hard and they're temporary".

Noway2b1's picture

The on the spot somewhat invasive questions. It's awkward because A: she's not really interested in me, my life or even having a relationship with me. B: I know everything goes back to her mom which is weird. Anyways I finally found the perfect response "oh I'd love to share my life with you sometime how about you come over one day and let's spend some one on one time getting to know one another" I said this once and she's dialed way back on her invasive questions. 

JRI's picture

Perfect response!

Tina72's picture

This bugs me so much too.  They tell their Mom everything so she can use it against us later.   Kids are grown ffs!   SS26 and DD24.  Why is anything her business? 

Elea's picture

Wow, so many SD's are the same. I texted almost word for word the same thing when my SD was intrusive "Maybe we'll get to know one another better some day." No response. Haha

If it happens again I will have to add on the "come over one day so we can get 1 on 1 time to get to know each other" Lolol love it! 

Tina72's picture

This is causing a huge strain on my boyfriend and I.  The three of them are going to talk about it tomorrow.  I guess I will find out whether I have to make a special vegetarian meal tomorrow or not.  I hate Christmas even more this year than when i was single.  

JRI's picture

Could it be a good thing if they don't come?  Gosh darn, just you and bf for a cozy, intimate Christmas?

Tina72's picture

I think he will be heartbroken.  They are very difficult to get along with a now we are back at square one.  I tell you though, I am not trying as hard again.   One bitten...

Elea's picture

Are the holidays difficult? HA HA HAHAHAHAH HAHAH haha ha ha

Yes, yes they are difficult. They didn't used to be difficult before SDiablas.

They weren't difficult when I was a kid and we were poor. (think Forest Gump's GF Jenny poor) My Mom still somehow managed to make Christmas magical. We still had family and friends and even though Mom couldn't afford a lot of gifts the ones she bought were well thought out and nice and something she knew we would love.

They weren't difficult when I was a single Mom of multiples  ... I still somehow managed to squirrel away gifts throughout the year (Last minute shopping with a bunch of kids in tow was not gonna happen.) and I had everything wrapped and ready to make things magical when my BK's woke up on Christmas morning.

Then ... First comes love and then comes marriage to DH with a side of dysfunctional failed first family. BM sh*t talked us constantly but then FORCED her agents, the SD's, to spend every weekend and holiday with us in an attempt to sabotage our relationship and of course so that she could get some "alone time" to twiddle her thumbs, journal and please herself. On paper she had primary custody but in reality we had the SD's more than she did. SD's act toxic, throw tantrums, whine, and create non-stop drama. They blatantly announce they "don't want to be a part of it" and "don't know her and don't want to know her." (me) They do everything possible to be rejecting, rude, and snooty. They repeat BM's words that we are the "other" family. Every holiday and every meal is met with sullen, nasty, snooty attitudes, demanding to be dadddeee's center of attention 24/7. Pure Hell.

The day first OSD and then YSD graduated and then went on to out of state colleges was a sweet, sweet gift of God. Things began to mellow. We began to heal.

This year SDiablas are coming for a week and will be staying in our guest house. I will be fully disengaged while DH takes them to visit extended family overnight. Hope to not see much of them during the rest of the visit and I hope they find things to do to entertain themselves and I hope they can figure out how to feed themselves because I am not cooking for them. I can handle a week. Or so I keep telling myself. Thank-ful we will never go back to the teenage hell years and Sdiablas importance in our lives continues to fade.

JRI's picture

You've been thru a lot with those girls but thank goodness they are less a factor nowadays.  You can handle a week, you can handle a week, you can handle a week, keep saying it.

bertieb's picture

The good old days. I just bought for my 2 kids whatever I could afford and wanted them to have. Christmas was fun before and after.  Then I married my DH who had 3 boys, one married with kids. DH believes Christmas should be as much as we can give, and if one needs something big then they get more. 10 years later we have around 40 gifts wrapped so far. I fully expect more last minute gifts, plus we have 12 stockings to fill and he gave his oldest son $1,000 to help him buy his kids Christmas gifts since he was out of work 10 months of the year and his wife never went to work either. We still bought his 3 kids 4-5 gifts each and stockings. Oh, his wife just did a weekend away with friends at a fan fair type thing so I feel like we basically paid for that instead of Christmas gifts.  I tried to establish a set amount of money for each person one year but he never thought that was fun or doable. It's just exhausting. If I speak up I'm the Grinch and mean to his kids, if I don't I feel like his snowball keeps rolling.

JRI's picture

These DHs, wow, I deal with that, too.  My DH is 85 and at our ages, we give the kids, gkids and ggkids cash.  I had already given oldest SGD her $ plus $ for each of her 2 boys and asked her to shop for me.  But now, DH85 is worried they won't have anything to open. "Why don't you just run by and pick something up for them?"  Uh no, I need to avoid crowds.  "Ok, I'll have SD61 run by and pick something up for them".  Uh, no, SD61 will be doing good to get thru her upcoming party without any more stress.  I finally said, " Why don't YOU run by and pick something up and YOU can pay for it".  Funny, I havent heard any more about it.

The kids will have plenty to open.