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To all the British Stepmoms

JRI's picture

I understand today is Mother's Day in Britain, I didn't realize you celebrated on a different day than in America. So, Happy Mother's Day!

This is a quite difficult day for many people.  So many of us pour time, energy, thought, money and emotion into our SKs and it hurts not to be recognized on Mother's Day.  We know we aren't the real moms and we understand divided loyalties but we often still feel saddened if our efforts aren't recognized.  Sometimes, our DHs arent good about gifts, mine wasnt.  And, often, the kids are too young to do anything on their own.  

I finally realized I needed to take care of myself and my feelings on that day.  I made a special effort to make sure I had something nice to wear, something good to eat, whatever would make me feel better.  It helped.  As time went by, my family got better about recognizing holidays but til then, it's important to take care of ourselves.  Nobody knows what all we do, but we do.

Happy Mother's Day!


Rumplestiltskin's picture

I would like to echo that. No matter what your situation, if you are a stepparent, i can say with certainty it isn't easy! You deserve to be appreciated *every* day.

Also, it's interesting to me, being from the US, to read the perspectives of stepparents in other countries. Mostly there are similarities (sadly), but there are also little differences. I never would have known it was today in the UK. 

StepUltimate's picture

So grateful for some of our UK StepTalkers, and sending love & respect on UK Mothers Day!

With appreciation from Northern California, Biggrin

Jcksjj's picture

There should be some sort of recognition for stepparents too. I'm sure it wouldn't always come from the stepkids, but an acknowledgement by society would be nice.

shellpell's picture

Stepmother's Day is the Sunday after Mother's Day in America. Like an afterthought.

Junglejules's picture

I posted an open question in where I wondered. Should I get a card/flowers? This is my first year as a step mum. No bio kids of my own. And my reaction on here was quite mixed. Some were even quite rude towards me for asking this. 

im well aware I'm NOT their mum. That my other post makes it clear I'm not their biggest fan. But. I do do a lot for them. I do cook. Clean. Look after them when ill. Spend time playing and engaging with them. So. Yes I did wonder what the protocol was. 

I didn't get anything. Felt awkward shopping with them picking out gifts for BM. 

I at the very least thought I'd get a little recognition from DH. 

Anyway. This has taught me one thing. SD my say I love you to me etc. But. Disengaging seems to be the way forward. 

thinkthrice's picture

I had the same experience.  I would go out of my way to awkwardly help them with presents for the Girhippo on MD and for their father on FD.  In return I received resentment and an implication of usurption.

Nope.  No good deed goes unpunished.  ESPECIALLY true in stepHELL.

Evil4's picture

I'll never forget the second or third year that DH and I were married. The brats, especially SD31 (about 8 at the time) decided that she needed DH to buy a Mother's Day gift for SD to give to BM. It was a balloon that said, "I love you" on it. I'll never forget watching my DH pay for and help the brats with an item saying "I love you" for another woman all while SD is flashing me that look she has when she's checking to see my reaction to things. I was so gutted. I should have fucking run then. 

That same year. BM's female partner got Mother's Day stuff and lauded by the brats while I got fuck all. I was so hurt. So, the lover that BM cheated with and caused the divorce with gets to be celebrated and recognized but I get jack-shit after already enduring exclusion? Wow! Thanks a bunch. Then when DH saw how hurt I was I got a lecture about how I'm not their mom. Well, neither is the other SM, but she got celebrated. 

Anyway, Mother's Day is coming up and I expect exactly what I've gotten from the SKs in the past: jack shit. No mention. Nothing. 

JRI's picture

I didnt care that I was unrecognized for Mother's Day when the SKs were just on a visitation schedule, BUT one year, they all moved in, one at a time  I was overwhelmed, to put it mildly, with the logistics and emotional upheaval.  That was a total of 2 bios and 3 SKs in an average-sized house.  We had contractors here doing emergency add-on space for months, enrolling each child in a more challenging school district, DH in a very busy, stressful job.  I gave it my all.

When Mother's Day came, SD made intense preparations for BM.  She had DH out shopping.  This was the same BM who let all 3 of her kids move out without turning a hair.  She had a hot new relationship.  

There was nada for me on Mother's Day.  I almost cried.  That's when I decided to take care of myself each year, lavishly.  After all, who knew better what I deserved?