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Step dad issues

Jrdrum84's picture

Hi all

So i am new to this as well, i have 2 step daughters aged 17 and 18 plus 3 children to my husband. All our kids are really good together. We have been together 12 years and ive had my step daughters in my care going on 9 years. Our relationship has always been really good and all children are treated equal.

Ive never had a great relationship with the girls mum or stepdad but have always made sure they keep contact as they 2 other siblings on their mums side. Their mum is mormon and i am not religious at all so i have been told im never going to guide her girls down the correct path. 

Their mum commit suicide on my birthday 4 years ago and this is where the trouble started. Their stepdad got a new gf only weeks after the burial, got engaged, had a child and then married all within 1 year of losing their mum. He has a new family now but there are always conditions when it comes to my stepdaughters. He even got his new gf to pick out the design on their mothers headstone and this is only one stupid thing hes done. 

If they are to visit him they are only allowed to be with him, his new wife and their children. His new wife has 3 kids, he has 2 (my stepdaughters siblings) and 2 kids to his new wife. Our girls hate that so they no longer see their siblings. 

I cant trust him as he only does things that benefit himself and now my girls have accepted him on social media so he doesnt cut ties with them and wont be able to speak to their siblings. They see all sorts on their pages which do hurt them. Ive mentioned blocking him and writing to their siblings to keep contact. 

Can anyone give advice on how to not lose shit with him cos i dont want to make things worse. My husband is really suportive of his girls and always has been. Its just hard to accept that he is doing things for a good reason but its hard not to be sceptical as hes hurt them so many times before.

Im not perfect but these girls are like my own and its hard to sit back and watch their stepdad take advantage of them.


tog redux's picture

I'm not sure you can do anything, unless your DH is able to somehow get legal sibling visitation through the courts. Otherwise, ex-step-dad has the right to only allow his kids to see them under whatever circumstances he sees fit.

I'd stay out of it and focus on helping them figure out what they want to do and how to cope with difficult situations like this.

Jrdrum84's picture

Yes thats what ive been doing. We will help them anyway we can and they have done so well since their mum passed. We have tried so hard to provide the love and support, stability and understanding and both are excelling in school. 

Its just the emotional stress they get from receiving just 1 text from their stepdad makes them feel as though all their hard work is being unravelled 

hereiam's picture

How old are your SD's siblings? Sadly, there may not be much that can be done until the siblings are old enough to have relationships with your SD's on their own.

ESMOD's picture

I'm a little bit confused.  Are you saying that your stepchildren are still living with their stepfather.. even though your spouse their bio father is still alive and his exwife..their mother is dead?

Why isn't your husband getting full custody of his children now that his eX is deceased?


tog redux's picture

No - her stepkids' half-siblings on their mother's side still live with their father, the former stepdad.  Mom died. 

ESMOD's picture

So.... her husband does have full custody of his children with his EX that passed.. but the EX and his new SO have new children and somehow he is interferring in the relationship that OP's stepkids have with their half siblings (their mother and their SF's children/child)

I'm not sure how this guy is taking advantage of the stepkids... I can see how his new wife would possibly assume that these kids would no longer exercise a "visitation" at her home since they were children that are unrelated to her boyfriend.. the only living parent being your husband.

Now.. of course.. it would be awfully nice of him to facilitate some relationship with their half siblings.. but if he is being difficult.. or perhaps his new gf doesn't want the responsibility of these kids that he and she are not directly related to.

I can also see her not being interested in having her kids with you and your husband.


This is an unfortunate situation.. of course your husband needs to protect his kids to the extent he can.

Jrdrum84's picture

Thanks everyone. My husband has full custody of the children. Their step father took their share of their inheritance, didnt want nothing to do with them once their mum had died then out of nowhere he wants to make contact again but only if they follow what he says. Example the girls are only allowed to visit their siblings if his new wife is around as well and tells girls this is also their new family. No alone time with just stepdad and siblings. Their siblings are 9 and 10. The 9 and 10 year have been told they have a new mother and their old one is gone so now they have grown up to think that. The fact their stepdad got a new partner only weeks after their mums funeral still hurts. This hurts my Stepdaughters to think their mum has been forgotten. Its more so the emotional stress that we are seeing is the hardest for them to go through. 

It such a mess and i find it hard to talk to my stepdaughters as i dont want to upset them. Stepdad will not contact either me or my husband he vents everything through my stepdaughters. I just wanted to hear others point of view so i can see the issue from other perspectives. Its hard for me to understand why a adult finds nothing wrong speaking about issues with a teen instead of directly with us.

shamds's picture

and kept it to himself?? Didn’t the courts appropriately split the estate and have these kids inheritance put into an account or trust managed by the bio father? I just don’t see how the stepdad could just take it or be awarded the full estate unless their biomum did a will stipulating her then husband would manage it.

to be honest the bio dad could even challenge this in court that its not in their best interests a stepdad manages their portion of inheritance