Kiddos at Wedding = boundaries
I've joined a Mothers of Grooms group in FB. Thinking I need a little support from my StepTalk Crew.
Last year we went on a lake trip with my son and gf and two of my SGK's families. My SD has [4] children that my kids know very well from prior interactions. My SS has [2] kids that behaved ruelly.
My kids got engaged. My FDIL is anxious and knows how much she is able to handle. Right away she said that she couldn't handle particularly the one SGS's emotional outbursts at their wedding. We discerned a lot and thought it would be best to not start WW3. The wedding is [4] hrs away from all of us, where the couple lives. We decided to not invite my son's step neices and nephews bc there are 13 and of all ages and would be all over the venue. We are inviting his 8 step siblings. My SD assumed the kids were invited. I wish so badly that I could say that we would love for her kids to be there. They know the B and G. Some of the others have never met my son nor fiance. They would make a family trip out of it and attend w/o a babysitter. I didn't think it was fair to expect this from the happy couple on a budget and wanting no drama.
Well of course we have drama. I can just feel the conversations behind my back. My son is having his two sisters and BIL in the wedding. They are very close. My GD, his neice, is the Flower Girl. This is natural bc my remarriage happened while all of DHs kids were adults even into their 30s.
On FB so many posted that it's not fair for [1] to come. So many comments have been made that siblings should be able to bring kids. Thirteen more, unless we pick and chose. Do I tell my SD that hers could actually be invited? She would not at all like it that the SS's wouldn't be. i.e. I never told her that the bride feels that way.
Blended families are complicated and I'm struggling. I know that I should concentrate on the celebration and not let this bother me, but it does.
This is terrible, but maybe they will just decline which would be fine with me. Many years of drama to come with that one.
IMO, if you pick and choose
IMO, if you pick and choose and play favorites, it will create more drama. This is already causing you anxiety. Nip it in the bud now and say "no one under xx age".
Psycho exh and I deliberately chose a reception venue that did not allow anyone under 21. When we mailed out the wedding invites, those with kids received a note stating that the venue did not allow under 21, we hoped they could attend, but understood if they could not.
Good luck!
KISS. Keep it stupid simple.
Children who are ill behaved have no business in public. Their parents need that clarity and if that takes excluding both the parents and their ill parented children from family events, so be it.
That you are of the mind to protect the B & G from the failing parents and their cruel and ill behaved children speaks very highly of you.
As for the peanut gallery of uninformed Klingons that are commenting, bring them up to speed on the facts of the failed parents and their ill behaved children then ask if the Klingons want to deal with the ill behaved children while everyone else enjoys the wedding.
Though a no minor children wedding is certainly an option, well behaved children of quality parents should not be punished for ill behaved children of low quality parents. Your FDIL should not be punished by the presence of children who have proven that they cannot be trusted to behave.
KISS. Minimize the risks. Keep the high level level of behavioral risk children away.
Though I do have a question. Your DS's step nieces and nephews? So DS's sibs' SKids? This is a convoluted family formula situation. I would make the invitations very specific on who is included in that specific invite. No need to explain. If someone gets butt hurt over it and it needs explaining, do it privately and be direct referencing the facts. If you decide to invite SS and his full family, make it clear that they sit on the fringe and if any of their kids pull their usual behavioral crap that SS, his DW, gather their spawn and are immediately gone. Set that very firmly and early to give them some grace and some time to decline the invitation. That way, their choice is on them. If they attend and their kids do their usual, have the clear expecation provided to SS that he will gather his gaggle and go.
IMHO of course.
Congratulations to the bride and groom.