Mother and sister in law drama
A little background:
I am a step mom of 2 girls ages 9 and 11. i have been in their lives actively for 5 years. Things are well with the bm and with my relationship with the girls! They come over every other weekend /some breaks/split holidays.
My husband has an older sister who visits holidays (lives out of state) who has never been married or even had a relationship. shes kind of an odd ball to me but anyway my husband and her have never really gotten along but since shes nice to bm she gets them when she visits on the mothers time.(it wasnt always good with them but since my husband split with her , shes nice to her to see her neices)...anyway she was not invited to the wedding. shes drama and negative and constantly bitching at my husband about all the things she thinks he should do..its so dramatic i cant stand it. she recently wrote me an email wanting to meet with me for a drink but didnt want to see her wreck of a brother. shes so disrespectful i didnt even respond. said many other nasty things about him in the email...im his wife, why in gods name would i hang out with someone who bashes him?!
Anyway long story short since ive been around my husbands mom constantly wants to hang out with all of us ONLY when he has his kids on the weekends, she occasionally asks their mom but is older and doesnt like to drive. now for xmas coming up, my dhs sister will be there and we feel very uncomfortable around her and do not want to go. it will only be her and his mom there-id go if there was a bigger crowd like at past holidays but for once we are going to my side of the family for xmas and my dhs mom is Furious! she thinks we r selfish and holding back her granddaughters from her on christmas . ..sent my dh this long angry text saying how we r cruel to do this to her and she got the kids all these gifts . we have told her about the harassing things her daughter has said but she doesnt want to hear it and think we should suck it up feel awkward and go there for her sake. constant guilt trip! do u think we r wrong to just stay away? i mean why spend our favorite holiday with someone who doesnt respect my husband? for their own satisfaction? who is the selfish one here? my husband sees them very little and think it should be up to him what we do as a family right? its not up to me but hes asking me and idk i just hate the drama and cant stand the thought of seeing his sister and would love to see my side of the family for once as we always are going to that side so the girls can see their cousins ect...but theres no party there this year so why not my family? his mom says "the girls belong with our family " as if stepfamily doesnt count. my family adores them! would it be so terrible if we just told her to get them a different day on their moms time? we dont want issues but we dont want to suffer either ya know!
If you went to MIL last year,
If you went to MIL last year, it's only fair you visit your family this year.... with the girls ..
MIL and SIL has no right to these girls, they are not the parents, merely GRan and Aunt... stuff them... you and DH decide what to do and how you will spend it. Then make it a thing.. every second year his family and your on the other years.... this way the girls can be with both families....
Oh and I would block SIL from contacting me, I will simply tel her, I'm not open for you to bash your brother, which is my husband thus stop it or I will block you from ever contacting me again...
We told her we are going to
We told her we are going to my familys around 4 but she wants us to come in the morning....for one she lives an hour away so thats 2 hour drive time and for two we dont want to be around the sister! She thinks we are selfish and should think about what the kids want (the kids never said what they wanted, gramma just assumes they want to be there). Shes so mad that we don't want to.
simply say NO - we have
simply say NO - we have things to do and can not entertain
I also like the phrase "That
I also like the phrase "That doesn't work for me/us". Then offer a choice of this or that, and be done. Put the ball in their court.
" would it be so terrible if
" would it be so terrible if we just told her to get them a different day on their moms time? we dont want issues but we dont want to suffer either ya know!"
That, or let GMa have the kids on a different day on Dad's time. Depending on what the schedule of visits is, I'd think the weekend before or after or just one evening during the week. Whenever it doesn't take away from Dad's OR BM's actual Christmas celebration with the kids. Parents first. Grandmas second consideration.
Of course the kids should go to your side if they are welcome and your family enjoys them. Why not? Families have to take turns and share, so yeah, sometimes you'll still have to go to MIL's house (or go get her and let her come to your house). You're under no obligation to spend time with SIL though.
We suggested coming new years
We suggested coming new years weekend as my dh has them then as well and she demands actual christmas day! I feel like she wants control and no matter what my dh says hes wrong cruel or selfish.
What miserable, twisted
What miserable, twisted people these women are. Your H is quite right in staying far away from them.
Whatever plan of action you and your DH decide on, he needs to be the one to inform his mom and sister. You really need to keep away from their toxicity and machinations, and defer to your DH when they attempt to manipulate you. Offering to celebrate on an alternate day is probably the best they're going to get, so just stick to your guns and remain detached from these two.
Will the "morning" she wants
Will the "morning" she wants you to come be your "Christmas" morning with the kids? No way, no how if that's the case. Who wants to try to cut short their Christmas morning, pack everyone up, and take off to another house?
I grew up in an intact family and we had to do that every.single.year... to be with my Dad's side of the family (my mom's family was always Christmas Eve). Breakfast with about 25 other people was always promptly at 9am so how long we got to play with our new Christmas goodies was contingent on how early we got up (but not allowed out of bed until after 6am), then we had to get around and leave the house by 8am. Loved seeing my family, although all my cousins were a lot older than me, but no fun having that hassle every Christmas morning.
I agree with one of the other posters that maybe it could be some other time... just not that DAY. And p.s. I feel for you on the pushiness of your MIL (and SIL) - both of those personalities were wrapped up into one for me -- my former MIL. Ugh. She expected us to be with them every Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, Christmas Day (and ALL other notable holidays) as though my family didn't even exist. I was finally able to put my foot down when my kids were babies and said we'll be there "sometime" -- unfortunately she just started showing up at our house on Christmas morning.
MIL needs to grow up ... and
MIL needs to grow up ... and so does SIL. Follow through on your current plans, spend the majority of the holidays with your family, and offer MIL and SIL a couple of hours on a day and time that you select to bring the gifts for the Skids to your home. If they are on your turf that gives you the moral high ground to kick them out if they get toxic. IF they do send the SKids to their room with their packages for a few minutes while you and DH jerk a knot in MIL's and SIL's tails.
Guage your actions against their behavior but tolerate no crap. You nor DH.
IMHO of course.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you. I took everyones
Thank you. I took everyones advice and told my dh-which he totally agrees-he said he sent her a text and her response was that "you know im not coming to your house (we invited her over the morning of) we apparently dont care about her at all and he doesn't know what's best for the girls. And its all b*******" total control guilt trip
She made her choice. Make
She made her choice. Make sure she lives with it and experiences every appropriate consequence.
Enjoy your holidays.