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Ever distance yourself to allow needed space and look like a bad guy?

jlot's picture

I feel like I can’t win in this step parenting gig. My older SD had an open house last night at her new middle school. So, my DH was going to attend with her and meet her mom there – no biggie. At one point, my DH asked if I would like to go, I said, “Thanks for offering, but I think that would be a good thing for you and BM to attend with SD.” I then made plans and went about my night. Fast forward, I get home and ask how the school event went, and he says, “Good.” I ask if he and BM thought it was a good school etc…and he then tells me BM’s boyfriend went too. Now, I was trying not be overly involved and leave that night open for SD, DH and BM. But because boyfriend went, I look like I don’t care and I feel bad my DH had to endure a night with those two weirdoes. I just feel bad. He said, it wasn’t a big deal, and that I can be as involved in parenting his kids as much as I like….but what the hell does that even mean? I try to do the right thing (give space, allow SD some events with her parents) and it bites me in the ass. This has happened before, I decide to allow some space and I look like I don’t care, which isn’t the case – I thought I was doing the right thing. I am not doing well at this step parenting stuff. I wish there was a manual Smile
I also have been dealing with my noninvolvement and boundary issues with the BMs. I may have mentioned prior that my DH has two children from two relationships (marriage and a girlfriend). Children are about 8 years apart. The BMs used to dislike each other very much, now they are inseparable. They claim to be dear friends…I could care less. But, one of the BMs runs a daycare and the other BM has decided to take her daughter, my youngest SD, there for daycare. I want to puke. It’s bad enough they hang out all the time, now this. The girls actually told us about it, the BMs didn’t let my DH know - weird. I am currently trying to have a baby and I do not want my DH’s ex to be the daycare provider, but with all this, I wonder how that will look…probably the same as always, that I am a major bitch. It stinks to be the one to have to establish rules and boundaries. I need a drink. Smile LOL.


lisa510's picture

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I have to be a selfish bitch too. I have nothing to lose. Skids don't like me anyway so what the hell. DH loves me to death and always says I need to assert myself.

Pour me one too.

caregiver1127's picture

jlot - stop worrying about what everyone thinks and do what you feel is right. If you feel that DH needs space with SD then do it but if you feel like going with DH to events then go - don't do things that you think the BM's or DH wants because you will end up being pulled in so many directions that you will start to go crazy. You can not please 2 crazy women (bm's) and your DH all of the time or all at once it can't be done so please yourself and you will find more peace. Also when I decide to do something or not do something I own it and make no excuses - that is what works for me.

As for having a child of your own and putting that child in BM's daycare - I say no way. Also I am sure the BM's hated each other until your DH got with you so you don't have to be their friends.

And just remember being the major bitch ain't a bad thing - lololol. Have a drink it is 5pm somewhere in the world!!

Timetogiveup's picture

I hated the Back to School/Open house thing!! BM insisted DH turn he insisted I went. BM showed up with the BF of the week...left him pushed me away and introduced DH as her husband. I wanted to puke. I couldn't see the point of this event, it reminded me of a dog training meet and stood in line to shake the teachers hand. i thought the entire thing was a waste of time on top of being stressful because I had to in the same room with "Maditla the Hun"....I call her "Hun" to her face. This went on for a few years . But the year we tok her to court, DH got a letter from her ATTY that I was not invited or welcomed to anyof the child's school events, my sole purpose was to be the child's chauffeur. That letter gave me reason to go to the next event! HAHAHA!!!! Apparently, the Hun contacted her atty, who in turned contacted our atty.....who laughed at her and told her its a public event I didn't need an invite and if there is a problem take us back to court. After this, she never called DH to tell them when this dreaded events were and I don't make an effort to find out.

jlot's picture

Thanks peeps Smile ...I know I worry too much and I need to stop - nobody worries about me, so I guess I should. My DH was not upset at all...he is the best, very understanding about most of this stuff. When I told him I thought it was a DH and BM thing he said: What you don't understand is that it will never be a me and BM thing...that didn't work. Smile

I was more worried that the SD would be upset.

caregiver1127's picture

Jlot - What you don't understand is that it will never be a me and BM thing...that didn't work. That was an awesome thing your DH said to you : )