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I can't deal with SD12 being so damn rude

jlot's picture

I live in a smaller town…not teeny tiny, but small enough where I run into people I know often – too often if you ask me… I was shopping last weekend and while in this particular store I ran into both of my DH’s BMs and the Skids (he has two kids with two moms) – the BMs were not shopping together. In both instances, the kids and BMs ignored me. Super. I don’t know why it bothered me, but I was particularly bothered that the SD12 looked at me and looked away. We have had a good relationship, but lately she is bratty and lippy and just rude. This ticked me off. I was going to tell my DH, but I thought, what the hell for? I will deal with this myself later. This child is driving me nuts. I was going to suck it up and say hi to both the BM and SD12, but after that clear sign of ignoring me, I didn’t. I don’t know what the deal is with her. I know it’s “her age” but I can’t remember being so rude to people. It’s not okay. I have talked to my DH about it and he is noticing it too and I am proud of my DH – here is an example:

We try to plan fun things once in a while for all of us to do and recently we were going to take a day trip somewhere really fun. The night before was New Years Eve and we took my skids to this New Year’s event – it was a lot of fun. And as usual, the SD12 acted bored, never thanked us, and was just rude. My DH noticed. Fast forward to the next morning, SD12 asked when we were leaving for the trip and my DH said: “We are not going. I have noticed you seem to just think you are entitled to fun activities without saying thank you, helping around the house, being in a good mood and I don’t think that I want to do nice things for you when you don’t appreciate them and when you don’t act like you want to be there.” In addition, she will not shower regularly or brush her freaking teeth without being told. He then asked her to shower and she threw a fit – he then said, “It also says a lot when you don’t take personal pride in how you look or smell. Being dirty does not show personal pride and that’s not okay.”

He is a good dad.  He backs me up on dealing with the kids, but I don’t know what to say to her. I want nothing to do with her and it is sad. I don’t want this to get out of control, but when she ignores me – now at home and in public, I am not sure what I should say…maybe I should just ignore her too? That seems bad…ugh, I hate being a stepmom, I really do.


Leigh's picture

I totally have a similar situation. I'm counting the years... 5 more until college! We live in GA and we're snowed in right now. SD just about ruined our outside snow fun with her lousy attitude and behavior today. *sigh*

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I MUST ask you something. What is it like for YOU to live in an area so small that these encounters are bound to happpen? I hate it personally and deal with crap, all of the time and would love to move just a county away to be free of the " BM Agoraphobia" as I have learned to call it. Not to mention all of her "friends" as well.

jlot's picture

This is a good question. I am from a big city and moved here before meeting my DH, and i miss being in a city...where nobody knows you, you can go anywhere without worry. I don't like it. I don't like that we can't move because of this kids (which I totally get and knew that when we got married) but the fact that I see these ladies around town or that someone I know is friends with them is beyond annoying. It would be okay if I thought that we respected each other, but I feel like they see me as some side thought and it becomes ackward...and it doesn't help with the SD is picking up on this and acting this way too.....ugh!!!

Zoie's picture

Yes I do hate the whole age thing..someone told me that this morning...and I said to them so when do they become responsible for how they behave and how they treat me??? she didn't know what to say....

I do have to say your hubby sounds like mine and thank god..although mine does give in when my SD tells him sorry I love you and what bugs me she doesn't even look him in the face..I just want to yell...

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

" BM Agoraphobia", So Very Tired- I can't stand the fact that this BM already has exclusive memberships and connections to the only place for me to swim in the winter and yoga classes are also held there. My DH does not get "it" either. Everytime I go out, I'm worried because BM will be hostile in public as well. The stares and glares of the others that have heard her badmouth both of us...I go from work to home and back again. I so need to move out of this town. Anywho,

oceangirl3's picture

Oh my gosh! This is exactly what I am dealing with SD11 right now. I have talked to my boyfriend about her behavior and how it makes me feel in my own home. He told me I need to make more of an effort. More effort, my a**! I have done so much for this kid and to be treated the way I am is unacceptable. I'm sick of hearing it is her mother's fault. Guess what buddy, you are her father and when she is in this house we do not have to tolerate her behavior. It is to the point where she doesn't acknowledge me at all, when her father leaves the room she immediately leaves and doesn't want to be anywhere near me. I am so fed up with it. She is plenty old enough to learn the consequences of her actions and that she needs to take responsibility for them. It is not her age, it is the lack of parenting my her BIO mom and dad!I know if I had ever treated people the way she does me at that age my parents would have set me straight right away and not say it is okay because of her age. Her family make her out to be the victim of the divorce. Please, everyone has a story and coming from a broken home doesn't make you anymore special than the next person. I grew up in a single parent household as well. My mother passed away when I was 14, but I don't play the victim card and I never did even at that age. It really saddens me and bothers me. I am ready for children of my own who I can raise the way I want.

jlot's picture

AMEN! Smile

knyxknisley's picture

Thank you for saying exactly what I feel! My SD16 is a nightmare and I do not want to be around her right now. I hate being in my own home and my DH refuses to see her bad behaviour. He rewards her with allowing the BF to come over, no chores, always going out- and then I'm always the bad guy for laying down the rules. Or worse I don't make an effort with the skids (I have a SS13) because I clearly don't like kids (that's what I'm told when I express my frustration). I cook, clean, run them around, they want for nothing and I feel completly and totally alone. Their BM hates me and disparages me in front of the skids. But I give them a lot of room for all that they have been through and asking for respect in my own home isn't too much. I don't know what to do. I've asked my DH to go back to counseling but his attitude hasn't changed in 5 yrs. She's daddys little girl. I'm dreading tonight!!!!!!!!!! How much are we as SM's expected to give?

sandye21's picture

Until your BF acknowledegs that it is SD's bad behavior, he does not deserve to be married to you. It has nothing to do with your 'effort'. 20 years ago I made the mistake of actually taking the blame which had nothing to do with me. I am trying to straighten things out now but it is very hard. Better to nip it in the bud NOW.

DaizyDuke's picture

One time when we were at a local store, SS11.5 came over and said hi to his dad and gave him a big hug etc. We never would have noticed that they (SS, BM and BM's BF and his kids) were there because we were on our way out the door. So anyway, DH small talks with SS, gives him a hug and the whole time I just stood there watching as SS pretty much ignored me. I was annoyed at first but then after I thought about it, I think it's because he feels an allegiance to his mother, since he knows that she and I have no love for each other and that is fine, I guess I can't blame the kid, he has to live with her, not me (thank God!!)

The funny thing is, DH and I both glanced, saw BM standing in line, and ignored her. But said hi to her BF and his kids on the way out (he is actually pretty decent) Wink