Bitch eating crackers...
I'm burning with a low blue flame and am using every bit of personal restraint possible to keep me from saying something to the c*ck vulture that my husband tried to make an honest woman out of.
I may just be in ''bitch eating crackers" mode where I'm just hating on everything about her because of the recent incident regarding my stepson's out of state graduation and potentially having to stay under the same roof ( there's a blog...) or my nefarious concerns may just be legitimate.
Apparently, when the stepson was in town a few weeks back, my husband's ex wife took pictures of her and her son and sent them to my husband with a note about how excited the boy was and how much she was sure that he would want to share in that.
First, since both steps are adults and doing adult things with significant others, I don't feel that there's any excuse that she should have to email my husband for any reason. She shouldn't be micromanaging the relationship that they have with their father.
Second, I can accept pictures of the stepson but why do you suppose that she felt inclined to also send pictures that included herself?
I have to confess that because my husband is in no way technologically savvy and has me assist with his online accounts, I have access to all of his accounts and sometimes sneak a peek at his email and cell records because he never tells me when his ex or his mini wife daughter contact him. Of course, I can't ask my husband about it because it wouldn't behoove my interests but amazingly, the pictures including her just mysteriously vanished. *Poof*
I know that I'm probably going to hell for my curiosity but because all of my friends will be there, I'm ok with it.
Do you think that she's trying to insert herself back into his life? Should I be concerned? Even though she's currently married (husband #5 for her), a wedding ring never stopped her... Is my husband more attractive to her since he's not available?
It's too early in the day for wine.
Damn.
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Comments
You're not going to like this
You're not going to like this comparison, but BOTH you and BM micromanage your DH's relationships.
You may be more tech savvy, but you have no right to read through his messages without his express consent, much less delete photos sent to him. You either trust that your DH is faithful despite BM's efforts, or you don't. There is zero reason, for your own sanity, to get in the middle.
Like you said, the kids are adults, so why do you need to be involved in their relationship with their dad? So what if SD is a mini-wife? Unless it is draining your bank account, stealing significant amounts of time from your DH, or making your DH treat you differently, you don't need to be involved in his conversations and interactions with his daughter. If he IS being an arse in any of the ways listed above, you need to address those issues with your DH, not snoop behind his back to get the scoop about what is going in.
Either your DH is trustworthy or he isn't. If he is, stop doing mental backflips to figure out what is going on, when, why, etc. It simply doesn't matter if BM sends pictures if your DH doesn't do anything with them.
If your DH isn't trustworthy (as in he is doing things that ACTIVELY harm you and/or your marriage - just receiving pictures from BM doesn't count), then you need to consider your options WITH HIM. Discuss the issues, offer solutions that he can implement, and check in for follow-through. If he is unwilling to make changes, then realize that you aren't important enough to him for him to consider your comfort in addition to his own.
I agree
with lieutenant.
My skids were in grade school when DH and I met (everyone already divorced). I get that there may be one parent at a big event and it's nice to send a pic of the kid. But, BM still (and the kids are late teens) sends what I consider inappropriate pictures. No need to send a picture of the skids eating Xmas dinner at your house. I don't snoop, I happened to see it since DH was showing me something and it was up on his phone before he went to another app.
If your DH hasn't caved by now and isn't responding/encouraging the stuff, let it go.
Husband and wife should have no secrets
From each other. They have should not have private emails, or private texts, unknown passcodes, locked phones, unknown passwords etc. if your are sharing, your money and body’s your life. Why keep a picture private?
Yes your SOs EX is up to no good. And if your SO did not delete this picture ASAP, and he did not tell you about it, keeping it a secret. You have a big problem, No matter what anyone tells you, once you have sex and a child with some one there will always be a connection between them. Your SO has to actively keeps this connection broken with his EX. You are correct, if SK are adults, there should be no contact between SO and his EX. How would he like it if you send pictures to all your EX boyfriend????
What? Hell no. My email is
What? Hell no. My email is private and so is DH's. We are not so enmeshed we have to share everything.
If I stop trusting him and need to snoop, I'll leave. Couples do NOT need to share every facet of their lives, that's B.S.
OP, stop snooping, it's none of your business if BM sends him a picture. Just trust him or not, your choice.
Well, if being married means
Well, if being married means sharing everything, then all us SPs had better step up and share in parenting responsibilities, too.
Or, how about we start requiring everyone to post their full names on this blog and sharing our passwords with our spouses? No need for anonymity if we're married, right?
No? Exactly. Being married binds you in certain ways, but it doesn't make you one person. You're still individuals allowed to have pricacy. Now, the extent of that privacy should be discussed well before one is married. It will likely never work long-term if one person wants everything open and free for both the access while the other wants to maintain a lock on their phone and separate bank accounts.
With the idea that there
With the idea that there should be no secrets, then everyone should give their user names on StepTalk to their partners. Lol.
Tons of us are fairly open
Tons of us are fairly open about it. tbh. My DH is fully aware I'm part of a "stepparent support group." If he asked for the website and my user I'd give it to him. He just has no need and is glad I have an outlet so he doesn't have to hear 100% of my freakouts. LMAO
Yes. But is everyone? No.
Yes. But is everyone? No. That’s why some secrets are okay.
Stand or fall
Sounds like a control battle over DH...you, BM and SD all vying for the "first lady" spot. No wonder you want to numb out.
BM used to text DH little sentiments like, "we raised the best kids ever didn't we?" DH would show them to me and we'd both get puzzled looks..."wtf does she want?" We were on the same page and trust each other so BM's games never got anywhere. However, until DH outright told her, "I want to be completely done with you" and blocked her, she continued her innuendos and games. BM was hell bent on holding the "first family" posture/control over DH. When she no longer had access to DH, she handed the baton to SD. You are going to keep dealing with the games until DH makes a resolute choice to PUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP FIRST.
BM's bottom line is to prioritize herself with DH and since her personal talent seems to be between her legs then it would be likely that her "chatty" attempts are psychological seduction. Is DH initiating any of this? If he's hiding it, then he's either amused/interested OR he's afraid to tell you the truth because of your reaction.
You are undermining your own integrity by snooping. It's one thing if you accidentally discover something, but your mindset is suspicious because you don't trust him. You either trust or you don't - there's no in between. Call him out on these behaviors and clarify your boundaries. YOU decide what to do with yourself in the relationship should DH not respect your boundaries. Stay or leave. Disengage. Remain miserable. Go to therapy. Choose.
DH has all the markers of a Disney wimp who will continually fall under the pressures of the "first family females." Walter Cronkite once said, "stand for something or you'll fall for anything." There's a lot of unecessary wobble that could easily be fixed with a backbone.
^^^This^^^
^^^This^^^
Personally, I’d struggle with these little pictures being sent, BM is trying to insert herself & I’d want a boundary in place. As skids are adults there’s no need for contact. Aka, block her. She can communicate by email if absolutely necessary, but there’s no reason for these text convos. SS is old enough to tell his dad himself that he’s excited, mommy doesn’t need to be in the middle.
That doesn’t excuse your snooping though. Is there a reason you don’t trust your DH? I doubt he’d give you the passwords to his accounts if he was hiding anything. Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling, and the kinds of boundaries you need to have in place with his ex?
Your feelings are valid, but try not to let them get away on you or you’ll end up doing something you regret. I don’t think you need to just sit there & accept these little intrusions from BM, you need to talk to DH & have him act the best interests of your relationship. If he’s not willing to do that, you’ll need to find a way to draw your own boundaries with them to save your own sanity.
If BM sent pictures of
If BM sent pictures of herself to DH, he would tell me and we would laugh about it. It's so pathetic and desperate. Why would that upset you?
The only way it would upset me is if DH wanted that to happen.
Because it would. I’m a firm
Because it would. I’m a firm believer in strong boundaries, and pics of BM on his phone in any format would irritate me. If the kids are adults, there’s no need to keep lines of communication wide open anymore, so I’d ask he simply block her. There’s no one right way to feel, or one right way to do things.
If she realized she was blocked & started emailing him pictures, then I’d likely laugh & suggest we send her some back. I look much better in a bikini that she does, so I’m sure she’d love a few of those in her inbox LOL. But texting? Nope, no need. Block the b*tch.
Been There, these women are
Been There, these women are pathetic examples to their children. Its like move on with your attachment issues already.
I FINALLY told my DH that was his baggage to clean up and that if I ever found him engaging in anything considered secretative chit chat that he could pack up and move back to the trailer park with her. I refuse to be put into a game, I know any man would die to be in his shoes let's be real. Enough said won't repeat patterns or settle for less than I know damn well I deserve. Takes a strong man to deal with a woman who knows she doesn't need him but chooses him.
MY New found confidence and self worth LIBERATING. I would suggest this any day!!