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My blended family is in need of HELP!!!!!!

jaimeg's picture

Submitted by jaimeg on Wed, 02/09/2011 - 11:49am

I have been with my significant other for 6 years. We have a unique blended family. When we met I had a daughter that was 1 1/2. Her father was not in the picture hardly at all. He had a daughter that was 2 1/2 and her mother had left her to enlist in the Navy when she was 1 1/2 yrs old. We were both single parents with young daughters. We took it slow and evntually got to the point where we were ready to move in together. It was a long hard struggle but a few yrs after we became a REAL family.Then we had a baby boy. I can honestly say that I love ALL my kids exactly the same. That is an honest statement. It was alot of hard work but we got there. My problem is that recently my SD's bio-mom came back in the picture. My SD is experiancing alot of internal conflict. I find her to be obsessing over her bio-mom. She has gotten to the point that she is so concerned with keeping her bio-mom happy that she is loosing who she is. I think she is scared that if she upsets her mom then she will leave again? I don't know what to do. Im scared for her mental wellbeing as well as mine. I try and nuture the relationship between my SD and her bio-mom but it is taking a toll on me. I feel like my SD is my bio. I raised her for 6 yrs and now I have to share. I feel like im being cheated on. I have been her rock and now her bio that has only been a part of her life for 6 months is the hero and cant do anything wrong? What do I do? I feel like my heart is broken and find my self sad. I try and talk to bio mom but I feel her anger toward me eventhough I think she tries to be friendly. I know she gets jealous of our relationship just as I do hers. But now my SD and my dynamic has changed. She seems almost uncomfortable with me and seems scared to be close with me.

Comments

distorted reality's picture

Submitted by distorted reality on Wed, 02/09/2011 - 12:01pm

It is a fact of life that kids are steadfastly loyal to their parents. (In most divorce cases, primarily the BM.) It doesn't matter if her mother was there for her or not or if the BM is abusive, controlling, etc. it's just the way it is. Even a dog will lick the hand of the master who beats him.

Just try to be there for her. I know it's hard. You obviously worry just as if she were your own but, you have to give her a little space right now. She's trying to figure a few things out and if you can keep it together while she does this, you'll see that she will find her way back to you.

Best wishes! Smile

MamaBecky's picture

Submitted by MamaBecky on Wed, 02/09/2011 - 1:48pm

It is a great accomplishment to be a step mom that can love a step child like it is there own. I commend you for that. What you do need to remember though is the reality of your situation, and that is that she is NOT your own. Her heart belongs to BM. It always will. If BM is around, not around, dead, etc....it does not matter BM is her mom, always will be, and that is that. Period. You need to reconcile this, deal with it, accept it, embrace it, and then go forward.

I am very successful in building a relationship with my SD5 because I made it my #1 priority to have a relationship with her BM. If this is an option for you do it! If you want to stay "mom" to your SD then you HAVE to have BM supporting you and on board. If you go head to head, mom vs. mom with BM you cant win. It is not possible. You have to let BM have her place in SD's life, you have to be open and inviting to BM, you have to be humble.

Alot of people are going to jump in and tell you I am wrong. They are also the same people that are miserable, dealing with children that they dont want to deal with, and cursing the day they met there husbands and the ex's that come with that package.

I know that it is hard. I know that it takes alot of soul searching and dedication. You have to really be dedicated 100% to your DH, and your SD for it to work. I just know in my case it HAD to work. It wasnt immediate. It took about 3 years to get where we are. BM had to really get to know me, and learn to love me on her own. I couldnt make her. I just kept trying and trying and trying all the while being the best to SD as I possibly could. Loving her, supporting her, being there for her as much as BM would allow. Every oppurtunity she gave me I took, every invite I was given I accepted, every phone call she placed I responded to. I let her lead and I earned her trust and respect. Now we have a wonderful colaborative relationship. She always considers me the "other" mom and we make mom-like decissions together.

My SD13's BM and I have a different dynamic. We are friendly and I am very involved with her child but I wasnt around since infancy and I dont try to be equal to mom with her. I just try to be in addition to. She (BM) is receptive to that and therefore I dont get the disrespect and anger from SD because her mom doesnt teach her to feel that way. That is my main goal with SD13.

Good luck!