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It's five o'clock, do you know where your kids are?

ITB2012's picture

The last few months have been, well, completely random as to whether there are skids at the house. I don't have any idea who will be there and when. I've stopped asking since it really doesn't affect me (sometimes they don't show up until 9pm when one has gotten off of work and they wait to come together...and it seems pointless to me for them to come here just to sleep because it's "dad's night" but mentioning that is not okay).

It seemed before that DH actually had some idea of when they would be around for the week but the last two or three weeks he has no clue. And he doesn't plan or ask. (And in instances has been upset other people made plans when no one knows he had a plan in his head.)

Last night DH called to ask when I'd be home since I was at DSs sporting event and he made a statement that sounded like he was eating alone (and it's a skid night). I was being polite and asked if the skids were busy. He said he didn't know. It's 5pm and he had no idea if his kids were showing up for dinner or even at all.

I am a planner and the lack of schedule drives me nuts (which is why I ignore it and focus on my schedule).

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H has no order & structure in the home. The (step kids) seem to feel they dont have to tell him their whereabouts because he doesn't require it. This falls solely on him for not implementing some courtesy and since he doesn't care to know or ask it shouldn't fall on you. He doesn't know what's going on because he chooses not to know. What a great way to parent and run a house hold. I don't understand how people operate like this.

ITB2012's picture

OSSs bday was a few weeks ago during the week. DH planned (I think at the last minute, not sure) to cook a bday dinner and make a cake for OSS the Sunday night before his bday. BUT, he didn't tell anyone that was the plan, including OSS. So OSS made other plans. DH got upset when I told him that I understood his frustration with not being told by the skids what they were doing, but in all fairness he (DH) didn't tell them his plans either AND I don't think it's on the bday person to ask others if they are planning something special.

(DH also did the same thing with DS to me for mother's day this year. DH apparently planned to do a brunch for me with DS but told neither DS nor I until Saturday afternoon. I had already made plans with my mom and grandmother since no one in the house had told me there were plans. They had to work around my plan.)

 

And the scheduling doesn't fall on me. I worry about me and I coordinate with DS, and I let DH know my plans. I don't have any view to what the skids are or are not doing in any given day, week, month. I got yelled at by DH years ago that it was "his life" and he would handle things when I asked about some scheduling thing with the skids and it went sideways.

So I stopped except for recently. OSS is graduating and if I'm expected to be there, I'd like to know that and where it is and when it is. If I'm not supposed to be, that's fine, but tell me. DH and even BM (I ran into her) have no clue other than the date. After four or five asks, I told DH the other night that that was the last ask. I have kept him informed of DSs graduation and the plans (they are graduating from different HSs), and that I expect him to be there. I told him if I don't know otherwise, I will probably fill the date of OSSs graduation with other plans since I'm getting asked to do things.

Cbarton12's picture

At 16 and 18 if they are still living with their parents, then definitely a parent should have an idea of where they are. You can't just give them free reigns and let them come and go as they please and not know where they are. 

And sure your home is their home, but basic decency and respect of the home would be for them to let you know when to expect them to be home. They can't just drop in and out at whatever time and day pleases them. Your home is not a hotel. 

ITB2012's picture

DH has used that very analogy about our house not being a hotel when it was DS trying out his fledgling “adulting.” DS very quickly learned that he needs to coordinate/let people know and that’s the proper etiquette for any set of people living together. 

And now we are Irresponsibilty Suites for the skids but that’s okay. 

Thumper's picture

I know where my kids are YOU better believe it. ESPECIALLY teenagers. If you dont know where they are there is a good chance they are not doing what they should be. My kids are good kids and I still have that mindset.

About flying by the seat of ones pants, your dh...

BM was that way it was awful. We know now why she was like that.........

Schedules matter, plans matter---it's life!!!

secret's picture

Ehhhh somewhat normal at that age... at least for me... 2 of mine work part time... I make them write their schedule on a board so they come and go for work as they should... beyond that I expect them to keep me in the know if something comes up.

Sometimes they forget... but I know they wouldn't work past X time so shortly after that time I'll text asking if they've left work yet. I assume...and am generally right. 

They still need to "ask" to go out.... or at least, not so much permission but more of a check in to see if it's an issue if they do X or go X...

Then again, I raised them to be conscientious that someone should always kniw where you are and how to get ahold of you....and considerate enough to advise of a change in routine to stop worry

ITB2012's picture

That’s similar to how things are with DS.