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I'm supposed to stop reassuring DH

ITB2012's picture

I really like my therapist. We got off on a tangent and I told a few stories about when we were first dating and married with regards to parenting and the skids, and how DH reacts. She very accurately observed that it seems DH has a lot of anxiety, takes things personally, and wants to off-load his bad feelings on me (like blaming me) but also that he wants me to soothe his anxieties about his kids in general. And that I should stop doing that. He wants someone else to be responsible (including something he's trying to get me to decide for him right now that is almost 100% his call).

When I thought I was being supportive, I should have just acknowledged his emotions and perhaps asked why he felt the way he did without offering help or soothing comments. For example when he recently was saying that OSS seems less ready for college than DS, instead of saying anything about how I thought OSS was ready, I should have only acknowledged his comment and let him talk or just said "hmmm" or asked question about it (without leading him anywhere).

 

 

Comments

advice.only2's picture

Do you feel like that will be helpful to you?  Sometimes a therapist suggests something but doesn’t mean it’s right for you. 

ITB2012's picture

I just used it tonight. DH REALLY doesn't want to be responsible for things.

susanm's picture

It sounds like he is in need of therapy himself.  You are not his human teddybear.

ITB2012's picture

that would mean he’d have to take some responsibility for his actions and it would be like admitting he’s wrong (he says he is sorry but more as a conversation ender).

I suggested that he go to therapy, too, but he said he’d only go if we went together. And we did that two or three times before but since he doesn’t listen, he didn’t get the full message the therapist was saying (at one point the guy asked us each to make a list and DHs version was not what the guy asked us to do). 

Siemprematahari's picture

I should have just acknowledged his emotions

I agree with your therapist your H needs to make decisions for himself and not use you as his buffer or "go to" person in order to make a decision. Acknowledge his feelings and allow him to make a choice, if not you'll always be the one faced with influencing his decisions. He has to learn to listen and think for himself....if you weren't around what would he do.......