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Curious about DHs and friends

ITB2012's picture

For those with DHs that cater to and coddle their children, do your DHs have friends they go out with regularly? If yes, how often? If no, why do you think that is? (Not sure if is a Disney dad trait to focus on your kids to the exclusion of your own friends, but I'm guessing it is.)

I'm curious because DH basically has only work friends, and really only has one event he does a year as a true friend event and no a work related thing. Any additional "going out" is done with co-workers and usually is a couples thing, and is not initiated by him. I've encouraged him to join some things but he doesn't.

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futurobrillante99's picture

My first husband didn't have friends that he socialized with outside of work. This placed a HIGH burden on me and our children to be his social life. I wouldn't say he coddled our children, but he was rather needy (and still is towards our children). This is a different dynamic because we were the original, intact family.

XH2 coddled his kids, but he's also a unique case because his personality disorder required him to need an ungodly amount of attention, so he most certainly had friends (read: sycophants).

New guy is a whole other ball of wax. We are just dating, he is a widower and he doesn't coddle his DD30. But he doesn't have any friends, locally. He said their little family of 3 was his world, which is cool. He sees his family, but his social life was mainly with wife's friends or "couple friends." The friendships they had as a couple faded away after she died. He's slowly reconnecting with his friends, but most don't live nearby.

It concerns me a little that new guy doesn't have a network of friends locally, but he's not needy and effectively keeps himself busy and entertained when we aren't together.

Does your DH enjoy his solitude or is he being lazy, using his kids as his social life? Does he complain about a lack of friends? Is he needy for your attention and planning his social life when his kids aren't around?

ITB2012's picture

"Does your DH enjoy his solitude or is he being lazy, using his kids as his social life? Does he complain about a lack of friends? Is he needy for your attention and planning his social life when his kids aren't around?"

He gets focused on things around the house so he does them alone but he then complains no one asked to do it with him (even if someone did and he said no). He seems to want to do things with people but won't make the effort. There's a lot of "we should do X" or "we should go out with Y" but nothing happens unless I arrange it. He seems to use his kids as his social life and I am his backup if he needs someone to do things with. He gets pouty when I have things to do.

futurobrillante99's picture

Your husband sounds like my first husband. It's EXHAUSTING!! All the bitching and complaining about "woe is me" and then if you plan something, they bitch about what you planned. My first marriage was a soul-sucking experience with XH1. He is otherwise a good person, but the negative-neediness drained the hell out of me.

Kes's picture

My DH used to be a bit of a Disney Dad, but he has seen the light, lol!  Your theory more than applies to NPD BM, who has an unhappy 2nd marriage and relies on her daughters for her social life and any meaningful relationship.  She only stays with the Walking Wallet for obvious reasons.     DH is currently trying to encourage SD22 to get a life away from her. 

Jcksjj's picture

He does. BUT the first time he asked me out he ended up canceling because BM changed up the schedule and he didnt realize he was supposed to have her that night. I was super pissed because I was a single parent and had to arrange for a babysitter but he didnt bother doing the same. He also said "but I love  having her here" when he was defending canceling the date. Which even then I thought was ridiculous and weird because she was there nearly every night at the time. I told him it didnt sound like he was ready for a relationship and figured that was the end of it...but then he tried so hard to make up for it. Oh the red flags I ignored....

Chmmy's picture

My DH has ZERO friends. He has a ton of facebook friends from when he was younger but other than work friends, zero. Twice a year he does a work event with these friends and these guys are close its a small family owned business but he never goes out with them other than the 2 events per year. He has a large family and so do I so that also keeps us busy He is also friends with my guy friends or the husbands of my girlfriends. He likable but I guess he was too busy with the skids to keep friends. I never really thought about it but he has fomo with the skids, like if someone needs their butt wiped and he's not there