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How do we transition?

imthewife's picture

SD19 finished her first year of college. She was sent to her mom's out of state to work for the summer because she becomes a "daddy's girl" here and just can never seem to find a job. since this kid is almost 20...and will be home for a couple weeks...I am wondering how to transition this visit and all future home from college visits.

Does a child who now considers themself an "adult" (that's funny because she is totally dependent on us) just automatically get included in all of our plans?

If we are taking the younger kids somewhere and she is at our house, does she have to be included? I mean things like movies, dinner out, outings with our friends? She wants to hang out with friends for the short time home and I am NOT curtailing our vacation time for her and planning around her friend outings.

Not that I am excluding her...but at what age did any of you start to have your steps and bios kinda start doing their own thing? Does she have to come along with us everywhere like she did as a younger minor child? (mind you...we will all be at a beach house for a we are not dumping on her and taking off)

This kid will sometimes NOT go see friends because she knows we are going somewhere and wants a free meal, or whatever...

So, do we treat her as a guest in our home since she is a 19 yr old home for 2 weeks or is she one of the kids again with chores and duties who answers to us? Your advice and insight would be helpful...


overwhelmed_underappreciated's picture

I haven't lived at home for years but to this day when we go visit be it for a weekend or several weeks, I am expected to watch and clean up after my kids and family, help with dishes, cook (if there for several days) and pitch in with housework. My parents usually ttake us out to eat one time during a longer visit but we always offer to pay at least our portion if not the whole bill. They always decline but we still offer because it is good manners. At 19 she is an adult and should be treated as one. She is also stilll a mamber of the family and should pitch in on chores while at home.

As for the vacations, I would suggest she pay her own way or contribute in some form. She is not a minor and needs to begin to transition into adulthood. She should be responsible for herself now.

knucklehead's picture

I always invited the older kids and left it up to them to attend. IMO, it's rude to take the whole family out to dinner and not include SD.
She may say yes, she may go out with friends instead.
She is only 19. She's also still a part of the family.

Disneyfan's picture

My son (20) is home for the summer. Got here on a Thursday morning and started working Sunday morning.

When DF and I take his girls (5 and 7) out, we always invite my son. He gives me a crazy look and says no.

Just last night we asked if he wanted to go with us to Coney Island. Of course he didn't. He went to Times Square with his friends.

I know the answer before I ask the question. However, I don't want him to think I'm excluding him.

When SS21 was living with us, he responded the same way.

imthewife's picture

Thank you for you very helpful advice.

No, we won't exclude her. It's just getting into new territory.

Just the fact that she wasn't automatically returning "HOME" kinda rocked her. The insistence that she go to her BMs was hard for the family, but now that she is approaching adulthood, I really don't want her or any of our kids to think that the minute college is and dad are IT...

It seems that most of you understand what I am is obviously kinda difficult to convey in words over the computer...but then again...this is our first adult stuff...THANKS SO MUCH! Smile