BM sending unnecessary texts
My husband does ignore them, but still. He had the kids last Saturday but she got off at 6 and he had to go in at 5. So the kids would be with his sister for that in between hour. So she starts saying "hey, tell your sister she can text me when she's ready , I'll come get the kids". Like, yeah duh, you already agreed to that. And you claim you're working until 6, so wouldn't you be letting the sister know when you're coming? not her letting you know when she's ready. She's waiting on you, not the other way around. But we both know she often lies about going to "work". She then texts , "hey , tell her to text me at this number". I'm like, yeah duh, she has your number she knows where to text you. Then she says "hey, do you hear me". I honestly felt like saying, bitch aren't you supposed to be "at work" . Why are you calling and texting a thousand times just to say nothing. Arrangements don't need to be confirmed over and over. And over and over.
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Oh my god this post speaks to
Oh my god this post speaks to me so much. I experience the same thing. And I feel like it's hard to feel validated with this because I see how most peolpe on the outside would say "what's the big deal, it's the kid's mom just trying to coordinate." But these dynamics have been molded and shapped in a way that has made it incredibly uncomfortable to interact with them. The BM in my life does what you describe and MORE. She sends the most long-winded, angry, insulting and toxic messages to my BF. But then she'll turn around and behave in a way that's like "oh we're all cool and get along here." Ummmm no b*tch, you're abusive and that's why you two divorced. There should be no communication unless absolutely necessary, if that's what one party wants. I get that some co-parents have a very calm, non-threatening dynamic so that's normal for them. But it shouldn't be expected to be normal for everyone.
How does your DH feel about this? What does he say when you tell him how annoying this is? Has he communicated boundaries at any point?
Honestly, I had to express my
Honestly, I had to express my concerns. He didn't naturally set boundaries on his own. But as soon as I expressed my concerns, he set boundaries. By way of ignoring her. We also had to set boundaries with his 10 year old who wanted to call her mom a thousand times a god damn day which would then lead to her talking to my husband or trying to. I have my own bio daughter as well. But me and her father have clear and stable boundaries. We don't talk unless it's absolutely necessary. And it's not because we don't get along. We just don't feel the need to talk to each other all the time. We have no interest. So now when she asks to see his phone, he says no. And if BM tries to FaceTime to talk to the kids, he ignores it. She loves to try to be relevant and insert herself. I love how it pisses her off when she gets ignored and realizes that she has no control or say in my household.
I get it. On the surface it
I get it. On the surface it seems innocent enough, but in reality it's a way for the person doing the excessive communicating to insert themselves into the life of the other person. And it makes that person very hard to live with, because you have to live with their "ball and chain" every day, too. I think we as a society really haven't dealt with it long enough for people who haven't lived it to have any idea what it's like. Think about it - the ability for everyone to constantly and easily communicate has only been around as long as the smartphone. Even with cell phones and landlines you had to completely stop what you were doing and speak to communicate. Now, there is no limit to how much people can communicate and it seems some of these dysfunctional BMs take full advantage of the ability to pretty much ruin the next wife's chance at happiness. It sounds extreme, but unless you have lived it, you truly don't get it. It's like death by a thousand papercuts for your relationship.
Right. She just wants to
Right. She just wants to insert myself. She's the type that'll text him good morning when we first got together but he shut that down. Or "hey, are you picking up the kids today?". It's like, girl, y'all have a set schedule. Unless he changes his mind, there's no reason for you to ask if he's not picking them up. It doesn't bother me as much, because he ignores her. He doesn't respond or try to make her feel relevant or important. But the fact that she tries is still irritating. Like, bitch move on.
Oh yes...
Oh yes, that was a favorite tactic of BM to - the old "please confirm what time you will be picking up the kids." Um, same time he picks them up every other weekend...the time designated in your custody order.
Girl she's crazy. Then she'll
Girl she's crazy. Then she'll act like it's an emergency. "Well, I need to know where my kids are that's why I'm calling". Uhm, they're with their father doing whatever he planned to do with them on his time. You don't need to be informed on every move made.
Do we have the same BM? The
Do we have the same BM? The BM in my life would also always use the excuse of "being concerned about her children" as her need to constantly verify things that had already been agreed to. I would love to ask her if she texts the parents of Skids friends obsessively when they are at their friends' house or if she is only "worried" when they are with the person she thought was going to make a great dad when they were married, but now all of a sudden is completely incompetent because they are divorced.
Me too!
The BM in my life seems to live by the motto - never say in one text what you could say in five very similar texts.
Like Kona above, she also has a tendency to send this bright, seemingly collaborative texts all while sending long, extended, abusive texts. It often seems like multiple people are texting him, not the same person...it's a bit unsettling. She then cries that DH "doesn't respond" and "doesn't cooperate" with her because he only answers her question once instead of answering it the same time. Or that DH isn't "respectful" of her, because he doesn't send her immediate responses. Really, I think it's all about using any means to get attention from DH.
For example, if he's said that he will take SKids to something on his weekend, does he need to check in with her five more times to confirm that he's actually taking them? No, BM, he already answered you, he doesn't need to answer you again and if you're asking the same question, he's not being "unresponsive" if he doesn't give you the same answer again.
Now, they are not supposed to text, only go through "Our Family Wizard", however BM still texts constantly. Her latest is she will send a text saying "I sent you a message that requires an immediate response." When really, the only reason she requires an "immediate response" is because she waited until the last minute and really, that's not DH's problem. For example, she loves to send DH messages on Friday morning saying she needs to change drop-off time because Skids want to do x, y, z or she needs DH to pick up because she can't drop off. All of these things could be send on Wednesday or Thursday, she doesn't need to wait. But, I think she likes to feel like she can get DH to drop everything and respond to her.
It is a way for the BM to worm her way in to your home. Also, in our case, BM is more likely to text when she knows that we're doing something, so I think it's a way for a BM to feel like she's still relevant in her ex's life.
Oh yes. She throws a fit
Oh yes. She throws a fit about being ignored and will try to manipulate him by way of his children. more recently she asked his sister to mediate. She never went to the sisters house as agreed. He was sleeping in late and slept past the time they were supposed to meet so she just popped up at the house. Then she'll be mad that you left her sitting outside when nobody told her dumb ass to pop up in the first place
I think all of our BMs are
I think all of our BMs are cut from the same cloth.
BM here is back and forth on her OFW usage. She likes to say stupid ish like "but you could use this against me." Uh... yes, that is clearly the only way you could incriminate yourself and your ridiculous behavior be documented.
BM has no consideration for much of anything. Her word vomit increases when she has something stressful going on. Which for her is basically anything so it feels never ending.
Lots of texts never getting to the point or taking the scenic route if you're lucky. She can never just be direct and concise. Her evil twin (or the not evil twin?) makes regular appearances, reading a conversation you'd think it a manic episode, recovery and relapse in a matter of hours. And when SO doesn't play ball (which he hasn't in years) she boo hoos about how he doesn't treat her like a human being. Though she would never, ever extend the courtesy because she's the mother.
She seems to still very much want SO back for all the wrong reasons which adds another fun layer to it. She hasn't whined to him about his moving on in the last couple months but she has also never flatly come out and said she wants to try again (not that it would matter). I tease him about it but who knows where her brains are. All signs point to wanting to be relevant, not forgotten, not left behind. But not in an I lost the love of my life type feel. More of a but what about meeee?!
Ugh.
We do have the same BM.
We do have the same BM.
In my case, BM can never just say directly what she wants or needs. She always has to toss everything over to DH with a million options to "get his thoughts". Then when he picks an option that she doesn't like, she accuses him of being selfish, always putting himself first, never accommodating her, etc.
She also has an evil twin who will send manic, angry messages...often only hours after she had sent a message indicating she was fine with the issue. It's gaslighting at it's finest.
This BM was remarried by the time I met DH, but she is still so desperate to be part of DH's life. She'll do whatever it takes to get him to respond and notice her. She'll use flattery, manipulation, rage, abuse...anything to get DH to reply. She'll even use the kids to try to get DH to reply. She behaves like a crazy ex girlfriend who just wants to get back together with the boy who broke her heart. I often wonder what her husband thinks about all the emotional time and energy she spends on her ex husband (my DH).
It's taken a lot of work on my part to convince him that ignoring her is the best approach.
Reading this gives me so much
Reading this gives me so much life lol It's so nice to not feel like the only crazy person! YES, same same. Our BMs are for sure all cut from the same cloth. If my BF doesn't respond to every stupid message she claims he's disrespectful and uncooporative and all those trigger words the courts love to use. It's a way to control him and yeah, like everyone says, feel relevant in our homes. It's great that OP's DH doesn't respond.... and mine does the same most of the time. But part of me wishes he would reply with "can you just stop trying so hard to get my attention? Hmm? You do know that I can't stand you right? Can you just get over me now and leave me the hell alone?? Any questions you have you can consult the damn CO, obviously."
The bad thing is my BF will listen to me and say my feelings are totally reasonable and he'll maintain boundaries. But then later I find out he does the same crap with her. Definitely not as much as she does, but she'll say just the right thing to get him to give her attention she wants. God I can't stand her.
Go email only?
We had this for 4 or 5 years, bm especially liked to ramp it up when we were at an event or on holiday usually by whataspp so she could see he'd read it. We then cut it to texts but it continued so blocked her on that too . Last year I said enoughs enough n progressed to email only. A few weeks she tried the whole 3 to 10 emails in an hr about non urgent stuff but we just ignore. If there was a real emergency there's got to be a sibling mother of something of hers who could reach you hey
People like your H's X have
People like your H's X have to be treated a certain way. Your H is doing great by not responding to the extra unnecessary texts. She wants to some how still feel relevant and like other posters stated....its her way of inserting herself. The key is to not entertain and feed her need for attention. Remaining consistent with only responding when necessary is the ONLY way to go. Always use the Wizard app and anything else will be ignored.
Hopefully in time she'll get it and stop the foolishness. At the end of the day its about the kids and not for her need to feel validated or get attention in this way.
Hey BM....I , WE, everyone
Hey BM....I , WE, everyone living in our home has given up texting for lent. IF you have a change of plans, call your lawyer and MY lawyer will call me. AND no cell phones either when I have the kids...
BUT BUT BUT you cant do that buddy.
Oh yes I can, and I will.
Honestly DH would have NO
Honestly DH would have NO problem saying "dh' doesnt text and dh will not provide his cell to anyone.
I really really REALLY feel awful for all of you who go thru this.
Threre is no law that states A citizen must read text messages, answer the phone, answer voice mails or reply to emails.
IF bm pulls the What if there is an emergency----OK, bm, call the police and have them go to my house and deliver the message. You know, like the old days bm?
I dont know how you guys put up with this day in and day out. drama drama drama....
You mean it's not child
You mean it's not child neglect if DH doesn't take BM's phone calls? I'm being sarcastic...that was BM's claim when DH somehow got it added to a mediation that he would only speak to her on the phone in the case of an emergency. Then - surprise! - everything become an "emergency", even just BM changing her mind. Leading DH to just ignore her calls entirely.
Girl yes. Everything is sooo
Girl yes. Everything is sooo important. Then she'll end up trying to have a regular conversation. I'm like, why is a 5 minute conversation turning into a 15 minute. Or she'll try to find something to argue about , at that point he just hangs up.