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Need Advice!!! BM influences skids to make ultimatum... "Choose us or your girlfriend!!..."

Hopeful378's picture

Ugh!! I need advice, I'm frustrated & sad. My boyfriend's two sons currently live with their BM several states away. She cheated on my boyfriend while they were married, divorced him & married the guy she cheated with. That was over 4 years ago...

I've been dating my boyfriend for close to a year now. BM has tried to get my boyfriend back since she divorced him. And, she's tried to break us up almost the entire time we've been dating so she could get him back. My boyfriend is not interested in ever taking her back and has told her this. But, it doesn't stop her...

Well that brings us to tonight...
My boyfriend tries to call his kids every night to say "hi" etc. Well, his oldest son (10yrs) told my boyfriend that he has to choose between me or him. He said that my boyfriend puts me before them. (him & his brother) He also said that he won't talk to my boyfriend until I am not important to my boyfriend anymore.

The youngest son (6yrs) is being used as a "mole" to get information about me & my boyfriend's relationship and tell his mom about. My boyfriend didn't realize that he was doing this until tonight when he yelled to his mom something about me & my boyfriend.

My boyfriend told his kids tonight that they are very important to him, but I'm also important. My boyfriend told me that I'm not ruining his relationship with his kids. He said that he's not going to break up with me, simply because his oldest made that demand.

I know my boyfriend's sons are important to him. They are important to me too! I don't know what to do about this. Has anyone been through this before??? Please help! I really need advise on how to handle this.


disgusted's picture

Sounds like a BM trying to control the ex by using the kids as pawns. I am not sure how to handle this situation. But just wanted to tell you to hang in there!

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

Hopeful378's picture

Thanks so much for your kind words!! Smile Just reading your "hang in there" made my night. I've been stressing over this (probably way more than I should..) for most of the evening.

Have a great day!! Smile

Rae's picture

Although the "children" that were being brainwashed by their mother were 18 and 20. Yours are being brainwashed and alienated at a such a young's downright abusive!!

My SO's boys mother insisted in phone calls, emails, letters, (that she would send SO but copy the boys on)...that their dad no longer cared about them because I was in his life. She has always made it appear to be a black and white SO had to choose between me or his kids. And if he chose me, he must not care about his kids. It is just a BM control tactic. And the best advise I could give is just to hang in there. You and your boyfriend. Don't let him give up calling his sons and it's good that he reassures them of his love, yet lets them know you are in his life and are not going anywhere.

I never thought things would get better with my SO's sons because the conflict was so horrible, damaging, manipulative and at times downright evil...but they have gotten better week by week, month by month. Their mother finally realizes I'm not going anywhere, and they now realize they can have a great relationship with their dad even though he wouldn't leave me.

It's really a heartbreaking situation, and I feel for you! I hope things get better soon.

Hopeful378's picture

Thank you so much for what you wrote, Rae! I really appreciated hearing your story. I'm sorry that you had a hard time with this too.. BM's are hard to deal with at times. I will pass along your recommendation of "hanging in there" to my boyfriend. He was sad about the whole thing too.

sparky's picture

There isn't anything that you can do about this. Sit back and let the BF handle it and it sounds like he is doing a fantastic job. He needs to keep on telling them that he isn't going to chooose because he cares about all 3 of you too much.
It is pathetic that some people continue to play the high school games long after school is over. Its very sad for the kds but they won't always be little and they can make more choices for themselves.

Hopeful378's picture

I had a sigh of relief after reading your comment. I agree that it's just plain pathetic to play "games" with these kids' hearts like BM is doing!!

Thanks for writing! Smile

Hopeful378's picture

I laughed SO hard when I read your comment, Mustang1!! Smile I feel the same way- they are being completely selfish. What nerve to expect my boyfriend to be at their beck & call 24/7! & throw a fit if he isn't! It's not realistic or reasonable.

Thanks for your comment!!

SM#1's picture

BM has her mind set to make him has miserable as possible....wants him back? maybe. wants him to miss her and the kids? for sure.

If Bks live states away, what difference does it make who their father spends time with?

BMs crazy and playing the kids to try and ruin his life. Either way BM wins. She makes is life hard now, or she might even ruin the rest of his lifes relationships.

BMJen's picture

basically. The never straight out said those words to DH but they've both, several times, told him how they feel like they don't have a daddy anymore. He puts me above everything, he never does anything with them since he's been with me, all the rules changed (even though he says they are full of crap), blah blah blah. It's a power struggle. Who does he love more kind of thing. It's stupid, but kids often think stupid stuff! That's why us parents shouldn't be encourging that kind of statements. But with a Beast Bitch of a BM, like the one you've mentioned above, you are going to have a hard time.

Hang in there. Beast Bitch will soon learn that you haven't left screaming through the night and will come up with a different, hurtful, and new way to mess with you and your DH. How much you want to bet that next she'll want the kids to come stay with yall for a few months? They tend to go from one extreme to the other!

Hopeful378's picture

Thanks for your comment, stepmomjen! I agree that it is a power struggle. I'm sorry that you had a hard time with this too... You sure pegged BM with a great nick-name though!! Smile lol It fits her perfectly!

I was thinking the SAME thing about BM trying to switch her controling techniques up, since they haven't been working. (other than making me wonder if I am causing my boyfriend's kids harm)

Thanks so much for sharing your story!! Smile

Rae's picture

to say it, but thought it as well...once you overcome one BM control tactic, she'll just dish out another if you have an obsessive BM. Ours still tries her best to control and manipulate our lives and the boys affections, but we've found the best thing we can do is totally ignore her, and luckily for us the kids are now old enough that we can do so. She once had a bite that seemed as big as a crocodiles, now she's just a little nippy, irritating, junkyard dog.

Hopeful378's picture

I love it!! "...little nippy, junkyard dog". That's a great way to describe her. Thanks again for sharing. Smile