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Adult SD is a hot mess

HolyBucketsIt'sCrazy's picture

Not even sure where to begin. Been with SO for 17 years (yes, I know...17 years is crazy, but I honestly don't want to get married). Have SS30 who has issues, but he deals with them and is kind and respectful when he visits. And my son who is 19,  has an apartment, is 98% financially independent, and helps us around the house and with yard work.  And then there's SD26.

SD26 is a hot mess. She is an alcoholic (been drinking since 7th grade), uses drugs (opitates, and various other pills,  and marijuana - illegal in our state). She has got serious psychiatric issues including bipolar and paranoia. Neither which are being treated. Whenever she comes to visit, she trashes our home - bottles tipped all over the carpet, cigarette burns on the hardwood floors, vomit all over, and the list goes on. Trashed our kitchen by splashing red wine all over the white tile, marble island top, white cabinets, and even the walls and ceiling(stains never came out). Steals everything in site- cash, jewelry, medications, even my son's change bucket when he was 8. And the vile language that comes out of her mouth.  Every other word is the f- bomb.

She has a special hatred for me and my son. She routinely tells me to f-off and calls me horrible names. She calls SO an a-hole to his face and tells him to f-off as well. And talks non stop about the relationship between SO and BM. Even asking SO once "dad did you like f-ing mom when you were getting her pregnant with me?" Seriously? And he said.... nothing. WOW!

I dread every time she comes and holidays are an absolute nightmare. 2 years ago st Thanksgiving she drank an entire 1.75 L bottle of vodka by herself in 3 hours and threw up all over the table, plates, food, carpet, and herself. Oh and this was at SO brother and SIL house. I was so embarrassed. She couldn't even stand up so I took her to the bathroom and stripped her out  of her clothes and held her up in the shower and washed her hair. She later accused me of being sexually attracted to her and I just wanted to see her naked. Mmmmm.... that's a big no - I just didn't want puke all over my car. At Christmas her BM refused to have SD26 to her home because she is too drunk and rude. 

SO and I get along fabulously- only thing we ever argue about is her behavior and his lack of action. Had a come to Jesus talk this summer with SO this summer after she ruined my son's graduation party (I told him she could not come, but he invited her without telling me). She was drunk and hurling obscenities. Then stripped out of her swim suit and jumped in the pool (as a side note she's grossly overweight). My entire family and all my son's friends and their families got up and left. Again - total humiliation. Told SO that I couldn't do this anymore and that he needed to address this behavior and my expectation is for my partner to stand up for me against her verbal abuse. He told her she wasn't allowed to come to our home until she got her act together.  The most  blissful 4 months in a long time. 

And then Thanksgiving came - and he told her she could come. Back to the same brother and SIL house where the "puking incident" occurred (can't believe they invite us back). Just sitting around the island having appetizers when she starts screaming at me "you need to shut the f up right now because I'm not dealing with your BS." Stunned silence. And who stood up for me? Certainly not SO - it was his brother who said "she didn't say anything why are you swearing at her?" Then SD26 said "oh well then I'm sorry I guess" . I couldn't believe it and said Seriously? Then SO jumped to her defense and told me to knock it off because she said she was sorry. I totally lost it and told him how dare he scold me for standing up for myself! She parked herself next to Daaaaddddyyy at the table so my son and I ate in the other room and everyone came to join us leaving SO and SD26 alone at the table. Her uncle gave her  an early Christmas card with $ that she promptly lost then accused me of taking it to make her look bad. Um you don't need any help from me to look bad, you do that all by yourself. A few more f- yous hurled my way and I left (I insisted in taking 2 cars). Went home, packed, a bag, and stayed at a hotel alone Thanksgiving night. Then went to my family's for the weekend. SO had no idea where I was nor did he text or call. Went home Sunday night after she left. 

Asked SO if we were going to talk about this. He says "talk about what?" Needless to say there was a huge arguement. Told him I'm done and completely disengaging with her: no weekends, no family events, no holidays, no interaction, nothing. Not doing this for the rest of my life. He was furious. Told him Other option is that I could be moved out by end of the week. 

So now he's upset, I'm upset, and SD26 skates off and watches us burn to  the ground. 


Kes's picture

Frankly, most reasonable people would have not shown the tolerance towards SD26 that you have.  Two or three visits where she behaved as you have described and she would have been banished from my house forever - no matter what my DH said. You may get on fabulously with your SO, but he is total shit at setting appropriate boundaries for his adult daughter.   Inviting her to your son's graduation without telling you?  To me, that would have been him on his final warning.  I think I would have been gone if there had been further incidents. 

Siemprematahari's picture

Your problem here is your SO of 17 years that has no back bone and doesn't demand his hot mess of a daughter to not only respect you but the entire family. I can't comprehend how he continues to invite her to family events and even allowed in your home.

HolyBucket~ you need to start making decisions if you want to continue another 17 years and more living like this. Your partner doesn't even care about your emotional well being and is placing his daughter 1st before your relationship. I'd start getting my ducks in a row and leave this chaos of a relationship because after all these years he will never change.

Wishing you strength and hope you love yourself enough to leave this madness.

advice.only2's picture

Well at least you aren't married, so leaving him should be easy.  What is attractive about a man who enables his alcoholic/drug addict daughter and allows her to berate you in front of everybody?

HolyBucketsIt'sCrazy's picture

What is attractive about a man who enables his alcoholic/drug addict daughter and allows her to berate you in front of everybody?

Thank you for these words. I appreciate them more than you know. 

I hope you don't mind but I paraphrased that and told him that. He was speechless. 

Gimlet's picture

Your SO is seriously co-dependent, and honestly you probably are too.  He enables his daughter and you enable him.  

Unless he wants to change, and it sounds like he doesn't, your life will be infected with chaos.  He won't set boundaries with addict SD and you will forever be suffering the consequences.  The only thing you can do is set boundaries of your own and be prepared to leave if they are crossed.  Anything else is just spitting in the wind.  

Trust me on this, it's why I am no contact with my own brother and very low contact with my parents.  I will not subject myself to the fallout of other people's enablement of addiction and bad behavior.

Are you prepared to do that?

HolyBucketsIt'sCrazy's picture

Totally ready. Went and checked out new living space. BS moved into his own place 2 months ago, so don't have to worry about uprooting him. I have a solid career and make plenty of $ to support myself. 

Gimlet's picture

Good.  You deserve to live in peace and happiness.  SD will destroy all of that.  Please keep us posted!  

I know this is hard and I'm not trying to minimize it.  Feel free to PM me if you need to vent. 

Harry's picture

I would trow DH out with SD.  They can go to the pancake house

tog redux's picture

What in the world? Her own mother won't let her visit, yet you guys repeatedly allow her to destroy your home, verbally assault and humiliate you, and keep inviting her over? 

You guys both need a couple of Al-anon meetings and a "marriage" therapist.  

HolyBucketsIt'sCrazy's picture

Agreed. I don't invite her ever. And my thoughts exactly on BM and told him that her mom doesn't want her at her house, but I have to put up with that? Thats a big NO.