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Blended Family Q & A

HM86's picture

Because I can’t be the only one who silently thinks “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” multiple times daily.... I’m looking for answers!

What are the top 2 struggles in your blended family and what has worked best to overcome them?

 

Comments

Mommy22's picture

So glad to know I’m not the only one! I have thought “wtf??!!!” on sooo many occasions. For me, two of the top struggles are SO being a “Disney dad” and having no rules, consequences, discipline, etc. and SO’s child from a previous marriage coming first and foremost before his other children and family.

what has worked to overcome them? Moving out.  

HM86's picture

Ohhh man! Are you still together and you moved out or did ending the relationship solve the problem? The only reason my husband isn’t a Disneyland dad is because I don’t allow it... but being the only one who cares about having consistent rules and then having to carry the weight of making sure my husband enforces said rules is exhausting!

ASHCAR's picture

Well I told her we needed a break. The kids are running the house . They make me feel like I’m a nobody and it’s bc I have let their mother treat me this way in front of me. I few years ago I took my step sons phone away Bc he was disrespecting his mother and she yelled at me in front of both kids and told me I wasn’t taking anything away and made me give it back with physical force. Little things like that have happened through our relationship. I’m not perfect by no means but does this mean we need to get a divorce. It’s been an ongoing fight for 11 years 

Mommy22's picture

So far, yes, we are still together, just living separately. I can say I am much less stressed and much happier. 

FantasylandOver's picture

I should have ran away the first time I met his children. My significant other is definitely a DD when he gets them on the weekends. No rules in the house...lack of manners...they say extactly how they feel in public and it is loud! 

I have these looks like, OMG! What is wrong with you as a parent, and what is up with their mother? 

HM86's picture

It is so hard to have unmet parenting expectations of someone you live with! When I first met my husband, I think I literally thought “oh you poor sweet man, let me help you with these cute and innocent children” and now I’m like “who is this giant man child and why is everything I own sticky”

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

My marriage isn’t “blended,” my kids are my DH’s kids but we still have external stressors, namely Biowhore and her dirtclan and stepdemon. Stepbrat is manipulative, pathologically lazy, arrogant and argumentative. Oh and disrespectful. DH tries like hell to fight against Biowhore’s detective DNA but without much success.

I am playing the long game via disengagement, forcing Biowh0re to have stepdemon at least sometimes and secretly planning to get stepdemon out of my home at 18.

tog redux's picture

My biggest issue was, and is, BM's lunacy.  If my SS had a sane mother, life would have been much easier. 

Frustrated future SM's picture

My top 2 struggles have been watching BF be a Disney dad and dealing with his kids disrespectful behavior. 

As others have said, I deal with it by hardly ever being around when his kids come to visit. We are currently not living together and don't know if we ever will in the near future. My biggest fear would be us getting a house together only to have BM decide she can't deal with her kids behavior anymore and pushing them off on BF to parent them full-time. 

HM86's picture

I struggle with this too. I sometimes desperately want to separate myself instead of putting on the fake smile for the rest of the family (it’s not always fake for the record, sometimes things are great). How do you distance yourself like that without backlash? 

Goodluck's picture

Since your new, how about you tell us your struggles with your family.

It is unfortunate that some people come here with less than pure intentions...so I wont bite at this one.

Good Luck to ya!!

 

 

 

 

HM86's picture

I literally wrote almost an entire novel in another blog about my struggles a couple days ago. I struggle with my husband consistently enforcing rules mostly. And resentment. I resent that he babies his 4 year old while I’ll never get another chance at biological motherhood. That feels like salt in a wound. 

momjeans's picture

We aren’t blended by step standards, because Skid lives across the country and visits according to the court-ordered visitation schedule, but I can easily state that my two top struggles have been:

1) BM - She’s highly combative, retaliating, and just all around vile. She has been the only person keeping things from being peaceful, for the last 8+ years.

2) In-laws. Both sides (BM’s, and DH’s). Everyone has an opinion on how things should be and go, and it’s always Skid-centric opinions, of course.

What has worked? Disengagement. 

HM86's picture

I’m lucky that my in-laws are amazing, but they also live in another state lol. And the bio moms aren’t terrible to deal with, but they definitely like to start drama from time to time. I hate drama.

sunshinex's picture

Ahhh, don't I feel like crap lol my biggest problems aren't disney parenting, disrespectful behavior, etc. but 

  1. Feeling like I have to be motherly to my stepdaughter because her biomom isn't involved and everyone feels like she "needs" that from me. 
  2. Watching what I do/buy/how much affection I give/etc. my son because SD always needs the same treatment. 

HM86's picture

Don’t feel like crap! I struggle with these and my step kids have perfectly good biological mothers! I feel likeI struggle with the whole “acting motherly” thing because if I don’t, then I’m just a babysitter and that’s not fun either. Expectations are hard, especially when we put them on ourselves. Hang in there and know you’re not alone.

shamds's picture

Lack of respect of boundaries: ss snoops through my personal belongings. Sd’s believe they can tell me what to do regarding my kids and not respect my personal place like our bedroom when door is closed early morning etc. Bio mum feels she can tell the sd’s to lecture us about our family time and how our household is run (yeah i don’t fu*king think so!!). Ss has told hubby he will take my things to use when his is broken. Hubby said no that he needs to ask me first. I now have a 100% non negotiable none of my stuff will ever be shared by him. 

2nd is a toss up between the disharmony at home which ties in with the disrespect. 4.5 yrs of daily hell with a rude shit who treats everyone including dad like crap. This 2nd point ties in with the fact none of skids have a relationship with their dad even though ss20 lives here when not at university. Its pathetic but with the pas courtesy of bio mum, what do you expect. This 2nd point hubby lets his kids go mia for months before sending a casual “hey hows things” and they standard reply back “hey so busy”, mmm you were free to see mum who lives an hour away with public transport but couldn’t walk down the road to your dads office for lunch one day?? The ss being a lazy shit and rude well as of 3 months ago anytime he comes home he must do some chores. Its pathetic that daddy has to message ss plenty of times initially “has it been done” before he does it but he knows he has no choice. All it took was for hubbys scary ass to lay down the law. There is still disharmony at home, ss still ignores and doesn’t acknowledge me since 2 yrs ago we have never talked.. i want nothing to do with him ever, hubby knows this and respects it. He can’t blame me because 4.5 yrs tolerating this crap easily puts you past your breaking point.

in the end since 7 months ago telling hubby i have disengaged from all skids, i haven’t and refuse to be in sd’s presence since 10 months ago. They have made no effort to visit their dad of their own accord since 10 months ago and eldest daughter works a few streets away from hubby, like she can get there in under 10mins