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At The End of My Rope

Hershei12's picture

I feel on the verge of a breakdown. I have fought back tears at work for two days now. Backstory - DH and I have been together 11 years on and off. About 4 years in BM wanted to take skids out of the country and there was a nasty custody battle. She hates me, I hate her and she or skids is the ONLY thing we fight about. When skids were 14 and 15 they wanted to live here with DH. She relented then when SS almost failed 9th grade, another custody battle ensued. We were married about a month before the final hearing and I've sometimes felt he only married me to help retain custody. DH had his own business which went bankrupt so I have helped him buy a car for himself, a house, and a car for SS.

DH is out of town (he travels with his job) and as usual I'm alone with SKIDS (17 & 18) who do whatever they want when the want. I take care of everything. I do the grocery shopping I make sure all bills  are paid. SD17 ignores me and acts like I don't exist. I have blogged about this before and how there are no boundries, no consequences for actions, no rules, nothing. I wasn't raised that way and is hard for me to sit and watch but I knew how DH was before I married him so I have only myself to blame. The refuse to lock the doors at night, or when they leave. I have begged repeatedly for them to lock up the house, use their house keys that I have provided but it doesnt matter and DH doesn't seem to care. It bothers me that SD17 can completely ignore me and act as I don't exist after I have known this child most of her life. But, what bothers me more is DH expects me to do for her. This past week, he asked if I was going by the store to get her money for breakfast (I blogged about this too)and when I didn't go to the store and decided use money I was saving I discovered most of it had been taken. He proceeds to tell me that I must have taken it and don't remember. Things got really bad yesterday and he was cussing and telling me he asked SKIDS and they wouldn't lie about something like that. Then after all that, ask me again to go to the store because SD needs face wash/body wash, bottled waters and while I'm there get her money to go to the movie.

WHY and how can he expect me to do for SD when she acts like I am not even a real person living in the same house? Am I crazy for feeling his way?

Last night when I asked him if he was going to be home today and said we need to talk, his reply was "what about? how miserable you are and how horrible my kids are?" I replied yes and that I had been unhappy for a while now and I can't go on this way. This morning I tried to explain how I feel and that DH cannot expect me to do for his child when I am flat out ignored. If she wants to ignore me and act like I dont' exist then fine, I will not do for her. He needs to make sure she has money when he goes out of town and has what she needs before he leaves. His response - radio silence.

This blog is all over the place I guess just like my emotions. Its all I can do to be at work today. Will it ever get better?

Comments

notasm3's picture

At 17 and 18 I would not do SH*T for those a$$tards.  NOTHING.  I wouldn't care if they were bleeding in the floor.  I could step over anyone who treated me like they do.  

Please use your brain (I know they have tried to destroy it, but I know you have one) and slap shut your purse like TODAY.  Not one red cent of your money should EVER go into their pockets for anything.

There's power in the purse.  Use it.

thinkthrice's picture

These men have it GOOOOD!  They have a woman who will bankroll their custody or visitation but yet have NO authority over ANY part of it and will bear the brunt of the burden of responsibility; all the while smiling and taking the abuse.  What's not to like for a "single" dad??

thinkthrice's picture

100 Percent responsibility 0% Authority.  Whereas skids have 100% authority and 0% responsibility,  Always a no no.

 

Two options:  1. completely disengage, separate finances, separate EVERYTHING no jointly held property, you provide NOTHING for skids  etc. etc.

2.  Leave.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

"what about? how miserable you are and how horrible my kids are?"

What an ass. Does BM live locally? Maybe when DH goes out of town they can go there from now on.

Cooooookies's picture

"what about? how miserable you are and how horrible my kids are?"

Will things get better?  ^Not a snowball's chance in Hades with that sort of answer.  I mean that's pretty much an admission that he already knows you're miserable and knows that his kids are a-holes...and he doesn't care.  Why should he?  He already has a live-in nanny, maid, cook, chauffeur, finance manager.  He has it made.

Time to ask yourself what do you want to put up with and how do you want to live your life.

sybarite's picture

Time to ask yourself what do you want to put up with and how do you want to live your life.

I needed to read this today. Thank you

ndc's picture

Nope, things will not get better until the skids leave, if then.  When do you think they'll be out of the house?  One is 18 already - is he still in high school?  Do these kids have any skill, education or motivation that leads you to believe they'll launch anytime soon?  How good is your marriage otherwise?  I ask this because if they'll be out of the house and reasonably self-sufficient at 18 (or after finishing high school) and the marriage is otherwise happy and stress-free, it might be worth toughing through the last year or two.  Definitely disengage and don't do as much, but stick it out.  If your husband treats you the way he seems to and there's no end in sight, then you'll want to think long and hard about why you're subjecting yourself to this.

Evil3's picture

No, things will not get better unless and until you lose your sh*t on your DH and lay down the law about what needs of YOURS you expect to get met pronto. I went through exactly what you went through and was the one who got gaslighted and the silent treatments from my DH and told how I'm going to ruin the family. I was in agony for 18 years, because I was co-dependent and desperate to make at least one relationship in my life work and my DH took full advantage. One day, I guess I was no longer co-dependent and I was ready to walk. I had nothing to lose, because if I was going to leave anyway, I might as well lose it in on my DH and tell him how it's gonna be from then on. My SD29 was shunning me and I would no longer let her live with us. She actually settled at her mom's by this time, but still... SS27 was almost 23 and showing no signs whatsoever of moving out, so I bought a place and invited DH to come or not. He had 48 hours to make his decision and it would be no reverting. Whatever decision he gave would be the one to stand. I gave the deadline and irreversible condition so that DH couldn't continue to string me along waiting for ss to "launch naturally." Disney kids do not launch naturally. Your SKs will not launch, so don't make the mistake of getting too excited that one of yours is 18. Also, your DH is putting blame on you, because it works. You're falling for it. You are not a child to be admonished. You are the wife, the equal equity adult partner in the household and it is YOUR needs that aren't being met and your DH is failing you by not yanking his bitch of a DD's chain for disprespecting his DW. Lay down the law and tell your DH that you are so turned off of a man who doesn't have your back and you don't know when you'll ever be turned on by him again. Scare the shit out of him. Turn the tables. I did and never looked back. Of course, things will get worse before they get better, but that's because your DH will get nasty to scare you to try to get you to back down. Stay strong. You can do it.

Gimlet's picture

This is a husband problem.  Your skids sound like brats, but I can imagine most kids would be less than awesome with the parenting they have had.  As much as you are focused on them, and again they sound unpleasant, the real problem is your H.

1. He gaslights you.  This, for me, is enough to end a relationship.  It's mental cruelty to try to convince someone that they are so out of touch with reality that they don't remember their own actions.  He is doing this to you.  Sure, maybe it's to protect his kids on the surface, but if you look deeper it's because he doesn't want to trouble himself by dealing with the issue.  This leads me to my next point.

2. He's selfish.  He doesn't care that SD treats you terribly.  He doesn't do anything about it nor does he seem to care how much it afffects you.  I mean, this is a man who fought for custody of his son and then almost let him fail 9th grade.  How invested is he really, when it comes to the hard stuff?  He can't be bothered to teach his kids manners or to make sure they do the minimum in life. Maybe BM is a witch, but he seems not to care what happens on his watch either.  His son is failing Algebra and his daughter is running the streets at night and he doesn't seem bothered by it.

3. He's a lazy mooch.  Why are you running to the store and getting money out for SD?  Why isn't he taking his happy ass to the ATM?

4. He's mean.  In addition to the gaslighting, he mocks your feelings.  You have "begged" him for help, and this is what you get in return?

What are you getting out of this situation?  No, it's not going to get better.  Even if his kids magically turn into high achieving young adults, which they likely won't, you are still stuck with a gaslighting, selfish, mean man.  Is that really what you want for yourself? 

 

theoldredhen's picture

Hey Gimmie,

Beautifully said; 10 thumbs up! Give rose

Hershei12's picture

The skids have it made. Even with that being the case, SD17 hates living there so much (hates her mom too) that I know she will leave after HS. She makes good grades too which is almost ubelivable given she is not home every single night. Then there is lazy a** who had to be forced to get a job. He had to go to summer school AGAIN. We are only a month into school and he has 10 tardies, 2 absences and a 58 average in Algebra. I told DH last weekend and today that I will NOT support a lazy kid after he fails HS. Why should he leave when he has it made? But I swear, if he allows him to lay up in our house, while we pay his car note, insurance, cell phone bill, etc. I will leave. That will the final straw.

Other than the skids, we are great. We have a great time when it is just us. We make each other laugh and I love him so much. I don't want my marriage to fail.

Yes, I agree he is gaslighting me and that is cruel and I agree he is selfish. He is a disney dad and always has been. His parents never divorced. His dad was 52 when he was born and was an only child. He was handed everything and I guess in some ways he thinks he should do that for his kids. I am the total oppisite of that.

notasm3's picture

Yes - but WHY are YOU catering to these kids too?  Are you afraid to "disobey" your DH?  What's the worst that could happen?  Surely he's not going to beat you.  It sounds like you are saying "HOW HIGH?" when he tells you to jump to it to bow to his children's demands.  Why do you think you need to do "everything" for his kids too?    Even though they are worthless aholes with respect to you.

You don't have to tell your DH or his disgusting crotch droppings how horrible their behavior is.  ACTIONS (or inactions) not words are what you need here.  Just put the efftard brats on ignore.  No more money, no more stuff, no more treats from you.  These are not toddlers or even young children that need adult supervision.   

Siemprematahari's picture

Does your H have full custody? Are they living with you full time? If not, I'd take a day off from work, change the locks and tell H that the kids are going to stay with their mother. Whenever he gets back from "out of town" he will have to deal with them and figure out what to do. If the kids don't like it, oh well. I'd also get a restraining order if they act up. As far as your H I'd really consider a divorce. You are nothing but a live in nanny and cash cow and he does not give a d@mn about you or your feelings.

If your H has custody of them I'd think of a action plan on leaving this chaotic life and starting anew.

You keep giving your all and they give you their @ss to kiss. You have to ask yourself why you allow yourself to be treated so poorly? Ain't that much love in the world darlin'.

 

TheBrightSide's picture

"Other than the skids, we are great. We have a great time when it is just us."

You have to base the success of your relationship when its at its worst.  Don't grade your relationship on a curve.  "i.e.:  we're happy when the skids aren't around, therefore we're mostly okay".

The true temperature of success is "how is the relationship fares during the most difficult times".  By this post, your relationship is failing my friend.  

When I was married, I used to say "I love 'vacationDH'"  Which meant that we were the best when SD wasn't around.  It didn't matter.  Those good times weren't enough.  Our marriage ended.  I also used to believe that I needed to look 'outside' the marriage for happiness.  Not look to other men, but look to have other interests and passions that fulfilled me so that I could be happy. Volunteer work or basket weaving....anything.

I realize now that it wasn't about me finding some sort of hobby to distract myself from my shitty relationship.  It meant that, although I loved exDH and would have done anything for him, our marriage was never his priority.  He never nurtured US.  I was a convenient partner with money.  

I'm in a muuuuuch better relationship now.  I'm thankful my marriage ended.

You have to believe you are worth what it is that you want out of a relationship.  Then communicate that to him.  If he falls short of your expectations, you have to be prepared to walk.

Major Blunder's picture

Blow up at him, let it all lose and verbally blast him, no more telling him about your feelings, shake things up it will either go well or it won't but right now you're a nicely placed doormat with money to boot.  Sounds like all the power is actually in your corner so use it, take back your sense of self and your marriage.  Counseling wouldn't hurt either, sounds like DH needs an attitude adjustment.

Mab051976's picture

Ok, I moved out at 16...so at 17 and 18...get a job and get your own body wash if you want to treat me like crap.   No, I would not do anything for these teens...nothing. I wouldnt argue about it, I would just stop doing it...period.  I would ignore them the same way they ignore you.  If husband has issues, oh well.  Sorry, they are grown children at this point.  They can fend for themseleves.  They have a roof over their head, running water, a refrigerator and a microvwave.  Believe me, they can figure it out.  Also, custody is no longer an issue.   The one is an adult and the other is so close it is not worth it.   I would ignore them 100% and act like they do not exist.  Done. 

Sorry, this sounds like you are being used to take care of his kids.  Stop taking care of them and my money says the relationship ends.  Not trying to be mean, just honest. 

Cover1W's picture

If you are not ready to leave yet...then stop doing for ALL of them.  You are running yourself into the ground and not one of them thanks you.  That's enough!  If your "DH" won't thank you and provide for them, too bad.  It's not on you.  Do you just do everything out of a fear of 'getting into trouble' or avoiding anger?  That's a huge problem.  I mean, I say "no" to my DH all the time and there's no name calling, no real anger (frustration yes), no nastiness.  If I tell him where my line is he does not cross it and if he does he acknowledges it.  If your "DH" travels a lot then he needs to support your decisions as adult in the household and make sure his kids are taken care of - that's it.  He doesn't want to it seems.

TX2step's picture

Take the SS car, he doesn't deserve it. As for SD read her the riot act. I would be damned if they treated me like this. Seriously how do you tolerate this in your home. Next time they leave the door unlocked, they get locked out, too bad, so sad they can't follow rules. Good gawd woman give them a piece of your mind.

Iamwoman's picture

Aw Hershei... no. It will never get better.

A man who is willing to financially, emotionally, mentally, and maybe in other ways, abuse his wife will most likely not change.

You have done sooo much for this ungrateful man and his ungrateful spawn. Why?? For love? He CLEARLY doesn’t love you.

I know that is painful to hear/accept. Many of us have been in your shoes. It is truly painful to love a man who doesn’t love you back.

Your instincts are correct. He married you as a court tactic. He has used and abused you ever since. He knew you were in love with him and he used your love against you. His radio silence and mockery of your feelings are proof of that.

A husband who loves his wife cherished his wife’s happiness above all else. That is the way it is when a man truly loves a woman.

You deserve good love... not abuse. As long as you stay married to this cretin, and are forced into slavery for his awful spawn, you will never find your true love. At the very least, you could have a chance at happiness without this life.

Why do you stay?

TheBrightSide's picture

I know I stayed in my ex relationship.  It was because I BELIEVED!   Its easier to leave when its so black and white.  If he's a POS (piece of sh*t) most of the time its so much easier to leave.  But when things are good, generally good, and you consider him to be your best friend...its so hard to walk away.

My exDH was like a drug.  Kind of like crack or meth or heroin.  (I've never done any of those drugs and get hammered on 3 glasses of wine).  When you first meet that kind of man and you get that 'high' feeling.  The love drug.  Experts have proven that this feeling isn't love.  What you're actually feeling is anxiety.  Those butterflies?  That's stress.  That feeling like you need to shower twice a day and go through your closet and try on 5 different things before you meet him for a date?  That's anxiety.  Its a surge of Oxytocin.  That shit is addictive.

But just like any addictive drug, the more you take it the less powerful it becomes but you keep WANTING it.  You'll do anything to keep that relationship going because you REMEMBER how good it was in the early days.  And sometimes, when its bad, bad, bad..you get a small dose of GOOD.  So you stay and hope things will be like they were.

You have HOPE.  

For me it the culmination of a thousand small things that finally triggered the end.  The "moment" for me was him saying about SD after she was rude to me over something quite innocuous was:  "I will always take her side".   Seems like such a small thing, but I had remembered all of the other times he wasn't there for me and didn't support me fully.  

Maybe the OP has a few hundred small shitty things to experience before she gets to that place.  And when she does, we'll be here for her.  

redhairedsm's picture

YOU are being used!  Get a backbone and set him straight!!