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When your SO never has YOUR back?

canigetabm's picture

I'm at a very confusing state in my relationship and need advice. My SO never seems to see my point of view when it comes to SD15 and it is really changing everything for me, attitude wise.

The situation with me is she constantly talks trash about me and my two BS's. She hates us, we are not her family, we are stupid, she wishes we weren't in her life, etc, etc,. Then anytime I am home, she completely ignores me, rolls her eyes and makes certain if I am around she is talking her dad and not me.

Well last Thursday I got home early and she was sitting on the couch as I walked in she turned away, rolled her eyes and ignored my existence, not once but twice (as I left to the store and came back, same thing).

Friday I get off work early and decide I'm going to take my BS's to lunch, they are home already she is not. As we are getting in the car she gets home from school and walks straight to the house, no hi, no where you going....nothing. So we go, not to mention we were going to sushi which she hates anyway.

Next thing you know I am being reprimanded for not "including" her?? WTF? She talks trash, ignores us then I'm supposed to kiss her ass? Excuse me? Because immediately she gets on the phone and tattles. My feeling is if she wants to be included then talk to us like a normal human being. My SO believes I need to jump through hoops to have her act decent. She also told him it makes her mad to be "fake" to me...

So I'm to the point I'm just like whatever, I will do whatever makes me happy, I'm under no obligation to by her lunch, take her places and spend my money on her, she doesn't even like me? And she has a mother. As she stated I am no one to her. I don't get where my SO is coming from and why I am being reprimanded like a child when he should be teaching her to respect adults and treat them as you would like to be treated.

My SO does not see my point of view at all and believes I should behave differently. Anyone go through this or have any advice??

Comments

canigetabm's picture

Well that's just perfect since I know you ended up moving out and on the verge of divorce or divorced. Any suggestions, I would like to share with him any advice or comments you guys have.

canigetabm's picture

Thank you sweat pea, just sad to know SO will not change. This also happened when my dad was dying, I was being reprimanded for not including her after she announced she didn't want to go see him in the hospital (understandable/only met twice) and would rather stay with her BM? Why am I being yelled at? my dad is dying? She doesn't want to go. OMG not my fault and no she didn't ask about my dad or say sorry about your dad after he passed. I was worried about my dad, not what SD wanted to do.

hereiam's picture

Your SO is wrong to reprimand you; he should be reprimanding her.

Being fake to somebody and showing respect are two different things. It's time she learned the difference.

She doesn't have to compliment your hair or pretend to be interested in your day but common decency should be shown.

I've not been through this with my SD because my DH would never allow it and she knows it. Even at 23 (much less when she was 15), she knows my DH would be all over her if she acted the ass towards me.

canigetabm's picture

That's how I feel, he should be reprimanding her and teaching her how people are to be treated. Instead he has her back 100% and I am the evil person that should be sucking up to her. Its very strange to me, because I would call my BS's out if they were out right just rude. Also, if my SO didn't take them somewhere they also wouldn't be calling me to get him in "trouble"..... Or stating that my SO left them out. I told him she knew exactly what she was doing by ignoring us, walking in the house then immediately letting him know we " left her out".

She wants us to fight, and guess what we are. She won....He doesn't think so she "is just a child". Baloney, she knows.

Tuff Noogies's picture

ugh. "it makes ME mad to be fake to HER." oh wait, that's right. it CANT be fake coming from you, u can get shit on and ignored by her but u must honestly sincerely just luurrrve her like your own, and no one can understand what is wrong with you cuz you dont love her!

you could try a different tactic and tell your dh/so that you believe in the power of positive parenting, and show him research on how it's best to only address the positive behavior with lots of praise and turn a blind eye (aka totally ignore) negative behavior. that will be music to his ears, and yet he may eventually realize there is nothing positive going on. you could also irritate the SHIT out of her by rattling on and on about stuff she wont care about, basically just talking to yourself. eventually she'll leave YOU alone }:) and u come out the good guy - "what, hunny? i was just trying to include her!"

hatemyhusband's picture

I've been through this. My SD 12 did all this. Then she escalated to following me around and giving me dirty looks for hours. Literally hours. I'd be working in the kitchen and she would sit at the table and stare at me with a dirty look the whole time. then I'd go into them living room, she would follow and again stare at me giving me dirty looks. H would blame me, as causing her behavior because I wasn't good enough to her. Then she escalated, she pushed me, hard enough to knock me off balance. She's much heavier than me. And towards my kids. That's when I had to cut off visitation. When I told my H she pushed me hard, he believed her that she just "bumped" into me. And she just didn't know why I would lie about it, and she liked me so much,,and she wished I liked her. And sad face, tears in the eyes.

I stopped visitation in my home. She could hurt me, bad, physically. And I could not defend myself against her, she could report me.,I could go to jail or lose my kids.

canigetabm's picture

Yep, she turned on the tears later and it was double my fault. He says "you would never treat YOUR kids that way".....well duh...they don't act like I'm a piece of shit on the bottom of their shoe. That's obvious SO...... LOL!

hatemyhusband's picture

My H always said that, I would never treat my kids that way. That I favored my kids. I PARENT my kids. he ASS KISSES his daughter.

Starla's picture

My DH was blind to SD's actions in the past but he tried to be fair and see both sides. SD was smart enough to try and hide her ways from her dad, I started recording it and had him watch for himself. Needless to say, it got his attention and I didn't see any other way of doing it aside from leaving. He was angry and hurt that she was manipulating him like that and he started dealing with her better.

DH asked me how he should handle her bc he really believed that fathers are suppose to go easier on daughters-as his father did. I told him "Treat her like a boy, what would you do if SS did that?". Let me tell you, he thought long and hard on that! This was years ago now but he still thanks me for saying it. Oddly enough, I since have heard DH pass on that advice to other dads.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Time to get the step parenting handbook "Step Monster" by Wednesday Martin and have him read it too

canigetabm's picture

Tried that...he read what I tabbed and said "ditto" that how I get treated too!! That was the end of that discussion. Its ALL me and I am the adult and she does no wrong. If I want a relationship with her I could try harder.....she apparently has to do NOTHING and is perfect as is. I must kiss her ass. Um no thank you SO....you do enough ass kissing for the both of us.

Worstcasescenerio's picture

I know how you feel. SS plays up telling DH to tell me goodnight on the rare occasions that I go to bed early or retreat to the bedroom to read first. But every morning when DH is already at work, and every evening when I get home from work first, SS chooses to completely ignore me. He doesn't say good morning, hi, bye, or hello. He just eats his cereal and pretends like I don't exist. But then complains to DH that no one tells him good morning, and it makes him feel like he's not part of the family. So DH is constantly on my case for it because SS is a little manipulator.

I took BS out of school a day early for spring break and took him and his best friend snowboarding. Because SS was in trouble and couldn't miss any more days of school (due to 3 suspensions this school year), I did not take him. The last 2 times that I did invite SS to come with us, he told me the morning of the trip that he didn't want to come, and the night before that he wasn't coming. Yet, DH holds a grudge against me for taking BS snowboarding and not taking SS on a special snowboarding trip. Um, he has not been eligible to go this year, and declined the last 2 years, so how is that my fault?!

DH also claims that he spends more time with my son than I have spent with his son. Yeah, that's true. Because my son usually says yes when DH asks him to do something, whereas 9/10 times that I ask SS to do anything with me, he declines. The other times I've gotten him to do something with me was when I just said, put your shoes on, we're going somewhere together, and we've gone to paint pottery, or out to eat, or go on a walk. He never wants to do anything other than go to a movie. I'm sorry, but how is that quality time? Sitting next to each other in the dark staring at a screen? Besides, he always asks to see rated R movies and doesn't seem happy to see anything PG or PG-13. I have gone paintballing with him once, but I don't really like getting shot at and ending up with bruises all over for a week afterwards. Besides, it's $70 a pop, so it's not like we can afford to do that every weekend. I'm sorry that I'm not a dude. Maybe if SS were a girl, we would have more in common. But it's hard enough for me to find things to do with my own son since he's become a teenager. At least he's outgoing and willing to hang out with me. But SS has always only wanted to watch a movie, TV, or play video games. I don't get how DH thinks it's fair to penalize me for not spending time with his son, when it's his son who chooses not to spend any time with me! But then his son will complain that he wishes we spent more time together, blah, blah, blah. It's all an act.

canigetabm's picture

I know I see it, SD tells him she doesn't do anything and boo hoo tears, I leave her out. No I don't go out of my way to include you because you have made it clear you want NOTHING to do with me. Which is fine but don't go crying daddy I did something wrong...SO unfortunately believes the song and dance so I'm the bad guy!!

thinkthrice's picture

Can you RUN NOW??!! Chef was like this the entire time his kids were coming over every weekend before they, in conjunction with the mothership, launched a fake CPS report against us (the BM IS a CPS worker btw)

It was always my fault, I needed to try harder, I needed to smile in the face of abject disrespect. We "needed to take the high road" (TM) "they're JUST KIDS!" (TM) "YOU'RE the adult here" (TM) "I don't want to spend what little time I have with them disciplining them" (TM)

I tried to "go along to get along" the first 3 years. Problem was, I raised my now grown bios with a firm hand and so this contrast of parenting "styles" was literally making me physically ill.

The three PASED out in about six years completely.

BUT now you have to put up with their selective memory. "I never spoiled my kids" "My kids don't come around anymore because I was TOO STRICT" "I was never afraid of my ex" and on and on and on the "parallel universe" continues.

The truth is just too painful I suppose. Much easier to delude oneself.